Christmas: A List (or lists)

Week Of:

• Saturday was Carol, 'Starcatching' with Randall @ PTC, and a birthday dinner in Ogden for Liz Smith.
• Sunday brought a lovely, quiet, holiday soiree at Lindsea & Brandon's house with delicious food, wonderful company, and "white elephant" gifts.
• Monday & Tuesday brought 4 performances of Christmas Carol in 24hrs. My cast closed the show Tuesday afternoon and that night was our full cast party. Emotional, to say the least. I loved this year. 
• Tuesday was also Girls Night Out with Shelby, Ally, and Katrina and her girls. We ate so much food at The Pie and spent the evening catching up and playing with Ingrid and Viv. So good for my soul to be around these girls. 

Christmas Eve:

• Work from 7:30-3. I use the word 'work' loosely, as I had one appointment, and about 5 actual conversations with students.
• Caroling around the office with other Enrollment Counselors
• Running home at 3 to start wrapping gifts, only to realize that I had no tape. Speeding to the 7-11 in search of scotch tape and only finding packing tape. That'll do.
• Boiling & Shredding potatoes, wrapping gifts, watching Muppets Christmas Carol, and mixing cheese sauce for the potatoes
• Throwing a bag (or 3) together to bundle Buster & I to Dad's house by 5:30
• Napping while watching 'The Grinch' and waiting for Nick to get there for dinner.
• Ham & Sausage Dip & Cheesy Potatoes
• Starry Christmas PJs and Polka-dot Slippers
• Turning off the TV & Playing games with everyone, and getting along for the most part.
• Finally watching 'Elf' for the first time. Overrated.

Christmas/Megmas:

• DVD haul and a new double shower-head from Daddy
• Coffee galore, a Supernatural Necklace AND a Little Mermaid mug from Missy Moo
• Nick LOVED his Supernatural Shot Glasses
• Dad LOVED the books I bought him
• Everyone getting a whole bunch of exactly what they wanted.
• Morning Naps 
• SNOW
• Driving to Mom's with Buster riding majestically between Dad & I with his paws on the armrests.
• New Miche shell for my purse, and a beautiful white Minky blanket from Momma.
• INTO THE WOODS for Megmas. Perfection.
• Buttered Rum Cheesecake for my birthday. Delish.
• A million texts and FB messages from the best people in the world for my birthday.
• Long, snowy drive back to SLC with dad, singing in harmony to the VoiceMale christmas CD.
• Drinking spiked hot cocoa and catching up on Supernatural before bed. 

Post-Christmas:

• Renewing my Drivers-license in less than 30 mins. Success
• Spending FAR too much money on myself, but securing several items of clothing that were needed for work.
• St. George weekend with Mom & the Kids. Napping in the car with PJ, Buster being just the sweetest road-trip dog & vacation buddy.
• More shopping, very successfully, for myself.
• Not having to go back to work until the 30th, and then getting the 1st off for New Years. 

It was a lovely, relaxing holiday week. I just need to survive New Years Eve, and then 2015 will be here and it'll be the best year yet. 

Things I do NOT miss

the holidays are an emotional mine field. these are all things i don't have to put up with anymore. and haven't had to put up with or deal with for months now, and i'm listing them so that i can remember that i'm better off in the long run.

• spending evenings sitting on uncomfortable couches watching other people play video games.
• sitting on the floor to watch movies on the hi-def/3D/surround sound system that cost more money than it was worth
• trying to fall asleep in an ice-box of a bedroom while curled up trying to stay warm
• visiting davis county more often than having visits made to SLC
• spending money on and drinking exorbitant amounts of shitty hard apple cider instead of real beer. 
• hanging out with only people who i know through someone else, and not with my own people.
• feeling badly that i want intimacy more frequently
• awkward family dinners trying be entertaining and friendly to obnoxious, spoiled, younger siblings who aren't mine
• keeping my emotional outbursts to myself because i dont want to remind anyone of their crazy ex
• swallowing my thoughts and emotions because fighting is the worst and i dont like fighting or want to potentially cause a fight

*sigh* I am strong. I am smart. I am important. I am better off.....

My Life Would Suck Without You.

I have the most incredible friends.
These human beings who have become part of my life and who make me whole and better and sane.

Today was just the most rough. I was confronted with dealing with a less-than-desirable person, and had to decide the best way to handle it while also trying to calm the storm that the situation ignited inside of me. I was thrown back into a place that I thought I'd escaped from, and it was a little scary, and emotional, and painful. But, I am so incredibly lucky that the following humans were able to contribute to making my day less difficult than it would have been otherwise:

BJ W.
The last two months have been a special kind of hell for BJ and I. And while I am sorry that we've both had to experience it, I am the most grateful that this wonderful human being has been by my side through the whole thing, and that we have been able to help each other through the turmoil. BJ is honestly one of the most genuine, loving, kind, amazing people I know and I am blessed to call him my friend.

Liz L.

My work wife. The wild-child who I can vent to about anything and everything, and who has been the most supportive and loving. She'll rub my back while i cry on her desk and then lend me her phone so i can check my makeup in the camera, and then coach me through my crazy mood-swings through out the day. I'm just the most grateful we met and that we still get to work together, even if we don't work on the same team anymore.

David & Janelle

Two of the most wonderful humans who made a point today of making sure I knew I was welcome and wanted in their home, even if I wasn't ready to attend a function where undesirable humans would be in attendance. Their support and love have been felt from miles away as they've been caught in the midst of the insanity. I am forever grateful for their friendship. In fact it's one of the few good things that came out of the relationship that was.

Megan Y.

My ginger-mermaid friend who advises me and makes me better. She inspires me, sends me happy things, and indulges my rants and rages about anything and everything. Her love and encouragement are so helpful at work, and I am  glad that we are able to vent to each other and work through our red-head passions together. We are two peas in a pod and will likely run away to be mermaids in Thailand one day.

The Cast of A Christmas Carol

I know that's a huge umbrella, but I honestly am so so so glad that everyone who I get to see at rehearsal is there. Today (and most days), I am especially grateful for Casey, Nate, Mason, Kade, Erin, Geoff, and Josh, but the cast as a whole is such a delight and so wonderful to be around. There is nothing better than being surrounded by beautiful, talented, loving humans every night for a few hours. I have made such incredible friends, who don't even know how much they mean to me. This show is a family- and I'm honored to be a part of it.

Ally B.
My roommate who takes care of me so very well. She can come home to see me halfway through my second glass of wine, listen to me whine and cry about my shitty day, and ensure that I eat more before heading to rehearsal. She also is incredibly on the ball about getting household matters taken care of, which is such a blessing. Thanks to her I was able to come home to our wi-fi being up and running. I am so so so glad that we are living together again, and so grateful that we've been friends for so long. 

Missy-Moo

My seeeeeester, who I can just text and she can tell things may not be okay and promptly contribute a ridiculous vine or tidbit to make me smile. She rocks. I'm glad I get to call her mine. 

And these are just the people who were instrumental in my day today. There are so many more incredible humans who I would be totally lost without, but to list them all would take years. And for that I am grateful.

So thank you, friends. Thank you for proving that people are fundamentally good. Thank you for providing support and love. Thank you for making me laugh hard and smile wide. Thank you for crying with me, or at least allowing me to cry on your shoulder. Thank You. Thank You. THANK YOU.

My life really would suck without all of you.

30 before 30. (or, A Bucket List with a Deadline)

You guys. In just under 60 days it will be Christmas.

Which means that in just under 60 days it will be my birthday.

27

I'm turning 27 this year. Which is just a mere 3 years from hitting the big 3-0....

THIRTY!
My 30s have never felt so close and it's more than a little bizarre.

I have heard, however, that your 30s are the time when life finally starts feeling like it makes a bit more sense.

That for whatever reason, once you're in your 30s things settle and absorb and come full circle in a really great way.

So... honestly, I'm looking forward to my 30s. Truly. I'm more than a little over these psycho, hyper-emotional, roller coaster 20s. I'm ready for things to quiet down and feel like they make even a fraction more sense.

THAT BEING SAID-

I was going through some old magazines tonight and found a bucket-list of sorts.

This writer came up with a list of 30 "Silly, naughty, daring things you secretly want to do but have no excuse to...." and decided to do them all before she turned 30. She did them all in the month leading up to her 30th birthday... so one thing every day. That seems exhausting to me. But I do love the idea of a 30 before 30 list... and since I like to plan ahead for most things... I thought I'd start putting mine together now. I took some ideas from her list, and will add my own as well... and we'll see where this goes. This goes into effect as of now. 

1. Tell Mom a Deep, Dark, Secret. pick one... there's plenty to chose from.
2. For one day, say 'Yes' to everything. at least everything that won't cost you your job/too much money.
3. Get a psychic reading. not just tarot cards... an actual palm-reading, crystal consulting psychic.
4. Have sex in a public place.  'nough said.
5. Buy an expensive dress, wear it out, return it the next day. note: find someplace fancy to wear said dress.
6. Read War and Peace, finally. and also maybe Anna Karenina , among a few other classics.
7. Throw a drink in a man's face, like in the old movies. it has to feel as liberating as it looks.
8. Chill with someone about to turn 20. this will be easy, since it will likely be my sister and her friends. 
9. Lose those last 5lbs. aka- get to the goal weight (140) and stay there.
10. Eat alone at a super classy restaurant. Some place people only take dates to.
11. Buy a pair of Designer shoes. Preferably on sale... 
12. Have a closure conversation with an unrequited love. ....this may have to wait until the last month of 29 before i feel ready for that.
13. Get a brazillian wax. because why the hell not?
14. Tell my closest friends what I love most about them. no time like the present
15. Kiss a man whose hair is longer than mine. like... really long.
16. Kiss a woman whose hair is shorter than mine. like... really short.
17. Get my finances in good order. or at least better order. ironing out the kinks on my credit before i'm 30 would be huge!
18. Write at least one letter a month. and actually mail it out!
19. Take a Pole or Silks or Strip-robics class. getting in shape can be sexy!
20. Attend religious services of faiths I'm not familiar with. if for no other reason than to feel more informed about how people worship. 
21. Dye my hair a color that is not a natural hair color shade. i'm leaning towards teal or purple... maybe i'll do both....
22. Audition for a touring company/cruise line/Disney every time the opportunity arises. explore EVERY avenue for getting the eff out of here with performing.
23. Read all the plays I own and buy at least one play a month. essentially be a good actor and know the field
24. Get back into Voice Lessons. be 100% prepared and ready to kill every audition.
25. *TO BE DETERMINED
26. *TO BE DETERMINED
27. *TO BE DETERMINED
28. *TO BE DETERMINED
29. Celebrate New Years Eve in NYC with my friends. also acceptable if carried out on the NYE immediately following my 30th birthday.
30. Float a message in a bottle out to sea. let it carry away any lingering negativity.

Owning October

This is my time.
This is my month.

September usually treats me much better than most months. But this year.... lets just say September ended up dropping me into a new kind of hell, emotionally, and the last week or so has been harder than I could've imagined and I've been in a darker place than I ever thought I would be. I'm working on it...

SO

Yesterday, being the First of October, I decided that I was going to claim this month as my own. This is my month. I will own every moment of the next 30 days and focus on the things that will make me feel whole again. I will work on sponging away the anger and hurt and tainted memories by replacing them with art and friendship and joy. I will extract the toxicity from my life and embrace the people who truly know what love and friendship mean. I will be healthier. I will be busier. I will take (reasonable) risks and start anew. 

first step- chop off my insanely long hair:

My hair hasn't been this short since I lived in Tallahassee. It took a literal and figurative load off of me when the stylist sliced off 9 inches of dead ends. It was time. And it was a tiny outlet for some of the scary, destructive energy I've had stewing inside of me.

Yesterday I also completed my run in the "Utah Idol" karaoke contest. Last night was the Finals round, and out of the 45 people who made it to finals (not to mention the 100+ people who entered the competition) I managed to rank in the top 15 performers. It was insane. I sang "No Good Deed" from Wicked as one of my songs last night and it was the most terrifying, exhilarating, and wild feeling I've had as a performer in a really, really long time. My dad filmed it.. I'm working on getting it from him and posting it somewhere so the peeps who wanted to be there but couldn't get a chance to see it. It was ridiculous, and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to do it. I want to sing more. I want to get back into voice lessons and get better at what I love to do. 

And last, but mostly- I just got a new job!!! You are reading the writing of the newest Enrollment Counselor at WGU. I'll still be working with the Enrollment team, except now people will be setting appointments for me to talk to people and help them get enrolled in school. I will be in a full time, salaried position. With benefits. And they seemed understanding about my conflicts for Christmas Carol, and about potential conflicts for future shows. I move to that team on the 13th and I am so excited I can't stand it. 

October is my month.

I am Owning October. 

You hear me?

Owning It.

That 20-something Struggle

There are moments when I wonder if it would be easier to start over:

Clean slate.

File bankruptcy. Sell most of what I own. Quit my job.

Maybe it would be easier to start from scratch.

The difficulty is that it's usually when I'm in these throws of doubt and struggle that a glimmer of hope shines through. These glimmers of hope burn bright and hot and often cause me to ache and cry as the pressures I've been feeling momentarily lift just enough to allow me to breathe a bit. Sometimes the relief is overwhelming and sends me into panic attack mode- which is counter intuitive, but it's a thing. And then I breathe and pull myself out of it and feel better about things for maybe a grand total of 24 hours, when another seed of stress and doubt will creep in- usually in reference to that shining glimmer of hope.

During these ups and downs I usually start evaluating my life and (unhealthily) comparing myself to people I know. Trying to figure out how they manage to keep it all together. Then the 'vampires of despair' start to creep in and make me feel like garbage for needing to ask for help when there are people who are my age and who also went through college who have managed to get along just fine. I know this is bad. I know these are destructive thought processes. But that doesn't keep me from having them.

The one thing that I think is the most frustrating for me, at the moment, is the concept of affecting your own change. Not sitting around and waiting for things to get better, but actually doing something to fix your problems.

But what do you do when you've been actively trying to affect change in your own life, for weeks/months, and the things you're doing aren't achieving results? When you keep pushing and pulling and twisting at the webs you feel stuck in but you can't find a way to get out of them? I know I'm not helpless. I know things aren't hopeless. But I'm running out of ideas, and I'm running out of energy, and it's getting harder and harder to keep trying and working with no results.

Someone recently told me that everyone's 20's are awful. "Wait until you hit 30." They said. "That's when things smooth out."

Well. There are exactly 

3 years, and 4 months until I'm 30. 

Let's get there already.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered.

Several weeks ago for Father's Day my siblings and I spent the day at the home of our Goertzen Grandparents. While helping my grandmother clean up the dinner dishes she told me the story of  her and my grandfather- their entire courtship was done through letters while he was over seas with the Air Force. They never actually dated. In fact, they were strictly friends- it wasnt until the end of his service out of the country that they even began discussing feelings. Their letters were never love-letters, but the day after arriving home Leonard Goertzen proposed to Nadine Buck and the rest, as they say, is history.

I feel like the written word is dying. And by written word I mean Hand-Written-Words. Everything is digitized and sent over wires and satellites and when it does end up on paper it is more often than not printed in ink by some machine.

While sorting through some papers yesterday I discovered a whole parcel of letters from the year or so after I'd graduated from high school. When my family moved back to Utah that year there were a few people who I exchanged postage with, friends who I didn't want to lose contact with. This was before Facebook took off, and though we were all on Myspace it was fun to write letters by hand and send them in the mail. There were gossipy pieces of news from my friends still at the High School. There were letters from boot-camp where a friend/flame was struggling with the rigidity of Army Life. 

And then there were the letters that my family sent to me once I'd moved to Tallahassee. Doodles and drawings and misspelled notes from my youngest siblings who were growing up in my absence. Encouraging notes and cards from my mother. A letter from my Goertzen Grandmother sending love and courage and pride from home. Letters from a very dear friend serving a mission in a foreign land. 

It was emotional, hilarious, touching to read through these hand-penned memories. I tucked them away in a scrapbook, with plans to lay them out flat and preserve them better very soon.

And then I had an Idea.

Many of my friends will shortly, if they aren't already, be living in a completely different state from me. By the end of the summer, my dearest people will be spread out around the country in various places- and while the advent of Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat have made it easier than ever to keep in touch, I want to begin writing letters. Maybe not lengthy detailed tomes, but I'd like to be able to exchange cards and notes and little friendly tokens via good old-fashioned snail-mail. 

SO- here's my plea. If you live somewhere outside of the state of Utah, and would like to be part of something fun and simple and sweet, let me know. We're likely Facebook friends, go ahead and shoot me a message with your address, and I will be delighted to include you. Besides, the more people I write to, the more people I'm likely to receive mail from in return (though it is not expected or required). Lets have some fun and remember our penmanship lessons from grade-school and possibly make some memories in the process.

:-)

wanderlust: take me away

 i want to sit in the middle of a field while it rains and watch the clouds.

 i want to sleep all day and only get up to make irish coffee and turn on a film to fall back asleep to.

 i want to sing for an hour or more in an empty theatre.

 i want to hold your hand while we stroll down city streets neither of us know.

 i want to drive aimlessly and only stop when i'm too tired to drive. then stay the night at some cheapish hotel in whatever random city i've ended up in.

 i want a take-out feast of whatever brilliant hole-in-the-wall take-out joints are within 5 miles. a random assortment of appetizers and dishes to share and discover and enjoy.

 i want to float on an tube in the middle of a lake, letting the waves carry me out as far as they like.

 i want to ride on a speedboat, feeling the spray on my face and the wind in my hair.

 i want to pick berries and eat them off the vine. bite into a tomato like an apple.

 i want a challenge to sink my teeth and my nails and my soul into.

 i want to run away for a week and not tell anyone where i've gone. disconnect and just explore new places.

 i want to wake up excited about the job i'm headed to do each day.

 i want to breathe easy for more than one day in a row.

Un-Equipped

I do not feel I was built to process being an adult.
Somehow over the last two years or so my anxiety has grown exponentially, and the normal every-day stressors of adult life feel massively overwhelming more often than not.

I mean. I cried at work today. Cried. Not because any one specific thing happened. But because I was tired from getting up early enough to call for a tow truck for my misbehaving vehicle, which then had to be postponed, and the thought of sitting in a desk chair for 6 hours making phone calls all day was just too much. I was telling my boyfriend how tired I was, and how much I'm hating living by myself and how I feel like the distance between me and my friends has been a result of how easy it's become for me to turn into a hermit because I live alone and have no money... and our conversation got really introspective and made me start thinking about why I'm struggling so much.... and that's when my adorable co-worker came by my desk to say hello and ask how my day was and the emotional roller-coaster that had been climbing the hill all morning took a complete 90* drop and I was suddenly crying quietly at my desk.

I hadn't even been on the clock for 15 minutes. I had to go sit outside on the balcony off the break-room to pull myself together. And this is not a new occurrence... though it was the first time it's been that bad at work.

Lately, as a reaction to the number of stressors in my life, I've been feeling exhausted, lethargic, weepy. My back has started tensing up in new places, so it now is basically a rock of knots and kinks. There is a lingering headache that floats behind my right eye, that gets worse when I start to think of my bank accounts, or my car, or my job (that I'm slowly growing to resent).  There's a sort of perpetual ache all over, one that seems to stem from right behind my sternum.

I've been inhaling my Lavender oil like it's going out of style. I've tried to up my water intake and cut back on caffeine. I am trying to list positive things every day so that I remember the good things in my life. I logged off of Facebook (three days FB sober now), because I know it is often a negative trigger for my emotions. I'm starting to feel like maybe I could really benefit from a low-dose anti-anxiety medicine, because even when I'm doing all the things I can think of to keep myself from having a breakdown, I still end up hitting some level of panic and melting down.

Maybe I'm lame for feeling like i'm not equipped. But even when I do fight through the panic and do the responsible adult-things that are needed for each situation, I still end up with tightness in my chest and a feeling of dread and I'm wishing I could go back to being a kid without any decisions more stressful than who to invite to my sleepovers.

Learning

I'm learning...

• ... that love is so much different than I thought it was. There was a time when I was sure I knew what love meant and how it felt and where it came from. But life has a way of breaking down your pre-conceptions and slapping you in the face with something that may shake you to your core. I'm trying to find a way to pick up the pieces of what I thought I knew, and making them fit in to what I'm coming to know. Love is confusing. Love is suprising. Love is terrifying. Love is fluid. Love is both difficult and easy. Love is a process. Love is fun and exciting and blissful. I'm learning to let it take its course in it's own way, because it's slow and thoughtful and full of it's own life, and can't be forced. 
• ... that budgeting is not my strong-suit. This isn't new knowledge, but it's become painfully obvious in the last few months. Even with my new job and it's secure, steady, reliable paycheck, I haven't been able to keep up with my bills and expenses the way I should be. I'm learning how to cut back. WAY back. I'm trying to learn how to organize my spending in a way that will help me come out on top at the end of the month, instead of scrambling to make ends meet before another month's expenses crop up. I'm trying to humble myself enough to consider making some drastic changes in my lifestyle and living situation. I've learned that while money may not buy happiness, it does buy security. And it's hard to be happy when you can't come close to feeling secure.
• ... that the life I've chosen is terrifying. It is rewarding, it is thrilling, it is full of joy and energy. But the life of an actor is also unreliable, and it is frustrating, and it is maddening. I am feeling lost, as of late; trying to decide if the choices I've made for my theatre career have been the right ones. I am watching several of my closest friends pick up their roots and move in a direction that will further their careers in one way or another. Part of the reason I'm still here has to do with the financial situations I find myself in, but I also think part of it is my fear and my inability to decide what direction my life as an actor should go. I'm learning that my motivation can't be fueled by anyone but myself, and I'm working on finding a way to kickstart that once more. 
• ... that I am not doing well living alone. I am learning that I am unmotivated when I come home to an empty apartment. Being on my own was an adventure and an experiment, and I feel like it's staring to hurt me. I walk through the door after work and I have no desire to clean or cook or exercise or (ironically) be social. When I had the motivation to come home to my puppy it felt right, it felt like home. But because my dog seems to so fiercely dislike this apartment, I've been here completely alone, and it is suffocating-ly lonely sometimes. But the solitude seems to suck me in, and I get stuck on my couch, not socializing, not inviting people over because the house is a mess, and falling into some weird lonely head-space that has an easy remedy- if I just made the effort to fix it. As much as I dread the idea of moving, I'm starting to wonder if it just might be necessary. 
• ... that maybe it's okay to not have things figured out just yet. I look around and I see people who are barely old enough to buy alcohol getting engaged and married, but I also see people who have been married and divorced before the age of 30. I see my peers who seem to be thriving and living it up on the streets of NYC and Boston and Chicago, but I also see my friends who are working mundane day jobs and living in mediocre apartments, and living on Ramen-noodles and Mac & Cheese. I see that life is too unpredictable to think that things have to be a certain way by a certain age. I ache to feel like I know what I'm doing and where I'm headed, but I'm also learning I'm not the only person who feels that way. I have hope things will all work out. I will find a path to walk on, I will not be on it alone, and it will have some sort of solid ground to stand upon- however meager it may be.

Reminders from the Universe

I have been strapped for cash. Just.... the tightest, penny pinching-est I've ever been. So broke that I decided to try donating plasma. It was a miserable mistake. Terrible bruising, I vomited at the clinic, no fun.

At that point I decided to put out a call for extra work- housecleaning, pet walking, odd jobs- I asked my friends via FaceBook if they'd be willing to let me do some work for them in exchange for some cash. 

In return I was gifted a total of $230 dollars.

GIFTED

My incredible friends and family dipped into their wallets and bank accounts and found it in their hearts to help me get through

....so i cried....

....and it just clicked.....

When ever I start feeling like I'm losing ground, like I'm spinning out of control, like I'm making a mess of myself and my life- the Universe steps in, puts it's hand out and gives me a reminder of just how lucky I am.

REMINDERS

Generous and Selfless gifts from friends and family.

Finding out that the Terrific Trio (Mikell, Me and Sara) will all be in Orlando at the same time.

Daily expressions of affection and care from Chris

Randall securing me a comp ticket for his (brilliant) show.

John giving me $20 as a gift in order to buy a SLC Comic-Con ticket.

Getting to work on an incredible show with incredible people and loving every second.

Seeing some of my favorite humans at a callback.

So grateful. So lucky.

Spring Cleaning, pt. 2

yesterday was just... woof.

I was anxious and irritated at various situations I have no control over

and I was feeling a little disjointed and spread thin.

so i when i got home from work

and saw just how disgustingly filthy my house was

i almost cried 

but then, i decided to do something about it

and I went into

RAGE CLEAN MODE

-Four sink-fulls of dishes: WASHED
-Dusty/Dirty Floors: VACUUMED
-Laundry, including sheets and blankets: DONE
-Fridge and Freezer: CLEANED OUT
-Trash/Recylcing: EMPTIED
-Closet and Dresser: SORTED and WEEDED OUT

(I managed to fill 5 bags with clothes/accessories to take to Plato's Closet & the DI) 

Between 4:45 and 9:30pm I did all of that, plus cooked dinner/next day's lunch and re-washed those dishes.

When I finally sat down to fold laundry and catch up on my TV shows, I felt like things were back in my control and I could actually breathe and relax for real.

The only thing left to do is finish tidying and vacuuming my room, detail clean my bathroom, and swiffer mop my hard-floors- which I can do tonight after our pickup rehearsal for Noises Off.

*not my carpets*

It's bizarre how calming those vacuum lines in the carpet are.

-------

Then, today, I read this article.

7 Things I Learned from A Year Without Alcohol

and it got me thinking.

As part of my 'Spring Cleaning' crusade I've been trying to clean up the food i'm consuming.

And I think maybe that should include beverages as well.

I don't think I have near the trouble with Alcohol as the girl in the article did, but I do think I use it as a crutch sometimes- especially when I'm emotional. And it makes me wonder what things I'm missing out on or making harder for myself by enjoying adult beverages as often as I do.

So I think the plan is going to be:

Cook from home as much as possible
Avoid carbonated and heavily sugary drinks

Eat fresh fruits and veggies as often as possible

Pick one day each week to enjoy any alcoholic beverages. Just one day.

(Mine this week was Monday night)

I'm not looking for weight loss necessarily, just trying to fuel my body better and help it operate at it's full potential. 

It's going to be a good year. I can tell.

Patience is hard.

There is a girl. A woman, I guess, since she is my age. But I think of her as a girl. Who has chosen to make it her life's goal to make my boyfriend's life as difficult as possible. They were married, and things happened, and as part of their divorce settlement he has been required to pay her $300/month. This money was supposed to help her support herself as she went to school and lived on her own and started her new life. Problem being- she quit going to school, and moved back in with her parents, all the while still claiming she needed the extra money. She also told him that she couldn't care for their dogs anymore, made him take them. He worked very hard to help those sweet pups adjust to his life and home and then she changed her mind, decided she needed them more than him, and yanked the dogs back into her 'custody'. She has harassed and hounded and irritated him beyond measure for the last year. I'm sure in her mind it's revenge, she feels he owes it to her because for whatever reason she thinks she's the only one who was hurt when their marriage ended. I'm sure she thinks she's justified.

but i just want to key her car.
egg her house.
send her nasty, angry emails.
punch her in the throat.

she makes me violently angry.
I know I can't fully understand her point of view. I don't know how she felt when things ended and they divorced. I don't even know every single detail of the reasons for the divorce.

What I do know is that when a marriage doesn't work it's not the fault of one person. There are two people in a marriage, and it takes both parties to make or break it. So while she may feel like he's fully culpable, she played a part as well. And she doesn't just get to make his life miserable because her feelings were hurt.

I want to tell her to grow the hell up.
Be an adult. Move on. Find someone new.
Become a more complete, stronger individual by learning from your experiences.

I want to have the grace and patience and maturity to encourage her to grow.
to wish her health and joy and happiness

But I'd rather  make her feel as small and insignificant and childish as she's acted for the last year.

Instead I will continue to enjoy my time with this man who has made my life better, and who has shown extreme patience and self-control throughout. I will keep supporting him. We will keep having a good time and living life and enjoying the world. He's done paying her support as of today. And I'm looking forward to spending our time together free from her insanity.

Taking Responsibility

On my computer at work I have my desktop background set up to shuffle through a folder of images with inspirational/positive quotes and images. Today as I was coming back from my break I saw that this image was currently decorating my screen, and it got me thinking.

We opened NOISES OFF tonight. It's been a month of memorizing, running around, digging deep, exhaustion, and incredibly fun, but hard, work. The last two weeks of tech and dress rehearsals have tested my stamina, my confidence, and my talent. I've never worked on a show that required so much concentration and focus while at the same time requiring excessive amounts of ease and relaxation. Comedy is HARD, it's a skill-set I wasn't given much of an opportunity to polish during college But this show... this show has put me to work.

I've always felt like I didn't have much of a choice in the matter when it came to what I was going to do with my life. I've written about this before- theatre is the only thing that makes sense to me. Its always been the dream, and though the parameters of that dream may have shifted and changed over time- I know I'll always be trying to perform in one way or another. But I don't know if I've ever thought about my need/ability to perform as a responsibility. When put into those terms it gives me new perspective on what I'm doing to further myself as a performer. Going to auditions, seeking out voice lessons or workshops, keeping fit, reading plays; these are all things that I should be doing in order to keep this gift in tip-top shape. I want to make sure I'm constantly working at myself, at my talent. It's something I'm going to try to focus on from now on.

What talents do you feel like you've been entrusted with? How are you working on them?

Spring Cleaning

Woke up with a HUGE knot behind my left shoulder blade. It hurt and I tried to work it out on my own but when driving to work realized I could barely turn my head towards that shoulder without shooting pain down the back of my shoulder. So I got a hold of my friend Bijan who has been learning massage therapy and body-work and he graciously took time out of his day to come and help me out.

During our work on my muscles and stuff he talked about how our bodies like to hold on to stress and tension thinking that they're helping us when in reality they're hurting us. It's important to try and remind our bodies to let things go and not do more harm than good. My shoulder is feeling better, I'm still sore and tight but i'm working through it and trying to let my stresses drift away.

As part of that my plan is to do some emotional and physical spring cleaning.

• My closet and drawers need to be reclaimed. I have clothes hanging and folded that I NEVER TOUCH, never even consider wearing for any occasion. Many of which could probably be sold to Plato's closet or something because they are still cute and in great shape, I just dont wear them.
• My brain needs something to refresh it clean out some anxiety. I need to find some new ways to stimulate myself and clean out some junk that is bogging me down. Finding ways to be honest with myself and open myself up.
• My body is in desperate need of some cleansing. My diet and exercise has been crappy during this rehearsal process, and I think now that we're on the set my body is feeling it even more than normal. I'm upping my water consumption and I'm going to try and be better about buying much more fresh options for snacking and cooking and living. 

Also my house is a disaster area. I'm working so much and rehearsing so much.... good god this place is ridiculous. It'll get there. We open Noises off in a week and that's exciting!!!

Affirmation

• 
  

I am competent. I am capable. I am complete.
Every day is an opportunity to grow and learn.
I am open to life and I am open to growth.
I will focus on the things I can control,and I will take a deep breath and release the things I cannot control.
I am competent. I am capable. I am complete.

Die Vampire, Die.

Silly things get in my brain and sometimes its hard to control the anxiety they cause.

When I finished my degree I had plans and goals of moving out of the state within the year, hoping to escape Utah and expand my horizons as an actor. I thought maybe I'd go back to Florida, then considered LA. I wanted a change, didn't want to get stuck. And then money happened, and life happened. And I decided I should move to Salt Lake. I would be nearer to the theatre opportunities that were most worthwhile, and my closest friends all lived here. And things kept rolling. I changed day-jobs. I've been working as an actor. I'm busy. 

And I don't know what I'm doing.

I am working on my career. I am in a challenging and exciting production of a show. I haven't done a production that I wasn't paid for since graduating from college with a theatre degree. I audition for something fairly regularly, and my new goal is at least one audition a month. I know I am cast-able, and I feel like I am hitting my stride and have started to grow into myself and my 'type.' I feel like I need to gain a few more experiences as an actor in larger roles, I want the opportunity to work with bigger theatres here in the valley, try to earn a few Equity points before embarking on something larger outside the state.

 But I don't know what I'm doing. 

My two best friends are moving before the end of the year. Leaving the state and heading out to pursue bigger things. I am so proud of them both. And I'm so selfishly terrified of what I'm going to do when they're gone. I start to think maybe i'm wrong. Maybe I shouldn't wait. Maybe it's time to go and get out and be scared and challenged somewhere else. 

But there's still the money issue.

And life is still sort of kicking my ass in a lot of ways.

And the thought of letting life kick my ass too far away from a support system is terrifying.

so I don't know what I'm doing.

Art Imitating Life Imitating Art

Noises Off

A meta-theatrical production about a play in rehearsals and in performance.

We are currently in rehearsals and the similarities between us as a cast and the cast within the play are, simply put-

HILARIOUS.

There are characters in the show who have various personality traits which are becoming quite apparent in the actors who are playing them. The moments when our director has to pause and rephrase or wait for one of us (myself included) who is behaving a little too much like their character (without meaning to) is amusing-to say the least. Some of the characters in this play never do manage to quite get their lines right, some are a little vacant and distracted, some often struggle to get their point across, some are hyper involved in all the best/worst gossip and too eager to talk about it. They are characters designed to represent the type of actors a well-meaning director struggles to put up with... and there are moments in rehearsal where I worry that we are all reflecting our art a little too much!

I have to credit our fearless leader, Anne, for dealing up with all of us. She is one of the most patient humans. This show is a monster to put together, and on top of the countless staging and practical difficulties she also has to deal with us actors who are not always the most 'on-the-ball'. But the show is coming along so well, considering what a nightmare it could be. I'm going to lose at least 10 lbs by the time we open, simply because of the amount of time I spend running around in heels during the second act (and we haven't even finished blocking it yet.) I am having the most fun, and being stretched as an actor in ways I haven't before. And the people I get to work with are just the loveliest. I am so grateful for this opportunity, and I can't wait for you all to come see it! 

(there's a link for tickets near the top of my blog. *hint hint*)

The Heart Wants What it Wants

Anyone who has tried to follow this blog, or who knows my history at all, knows I haven't always been the luckiest in my romantic endeavors. I always try not to get too angst-y on here, but I have been known to post some pretty mopey and Eeyore style posts about the state of my heart.

This is not one of those posts.

I mentioned a few posts back that I've been seeing someone. It's been the strangest experience for me to be in this relationship. The list of men (or boys, rather) that I've dated is full of sub-par examples of how a relationship should work. So now, nearly five months into a new romance, I feel like I keep having to pinch myself to prove that this is how I'm supposed to feel.

Sometimes I wonder when the rug's going to get pulled out from underneath me. I question if maybe I'm reading into things too much or putting the cart before the horse with my feelings. And it is usually in these moments of doubt and insecurity that this adorable man of mine appears in one way or another to (unknowingly) prove to me that everything is just fine. Whether it be in a text message, or by turning to kiss me just because, his timing is usually impeccable. And even though we're both crazy busy and making the trek from SLC to Davis County can get a little exhausting at times, he makes it worth it.

When he hugs me my head rests right on his chest in the perfect spot.
He kisses my forehead sometimes and I melt inside.
We watch each other's series on Netflix, and he makes me watch 80's movies I didn't know I needed to see.

He is the easiest human to cuddle with.

We both love Whiskey. And Reds Apple Ale.

He is my motivator when I'm having a rough day.

We both love cheese to an unhealthy degree.

Though he no longer participates, he was once a theatre human and appreciates the commitment I make to my acting jobs.

I am beginning to learn the art of gaming... very slowly... but he's patient.

The nerd-factor is strong with both of us, just in different fandoms.

His hand on my waist, or on the small of my back, feels exactly right.

I've tried not to be the gushy, sappy, lovey-dovey girl that can't talk about anything else other than her new flame. I don't feel like I need to be that girl much, because I think our relationship stands on its own, I don't have to prove much to anyone about who we are as a couple. We're not super 'social-media visible', which hasn't ever been something we've discussed or done on purpose, but I think as a rule it's been a good idea for a number of reasons. For the time being, it's been nice to somewhat keep our relationship to ourselves, and not have to worry about what anyone else may have to say about it. He and I have known each other for years, and for that reason, some mutual acquaintances might raise an eyebrow at us as a couple. There are a few ... interesting ... circumstances surrounding us; circumstances that some people might take issue with. But they are also circumstances that don't affect how we connect and relate to each other, and don't change how we feel towards each other. No matter what the history, this is something good for both of us. I know that for certain.

This supportive, silly, creative, wonderful man is making me a happier, more passionate, more open person. And I'm so incredibly grateful I get to call him mine.

Observations from My Cubicle

• When you work at a job that is not very difficult, it becomes glaringly obvious which of your coworkers are vastly incompetent humans. Especially when they sit across from you and you can see their sub-par work ethic in action.
• Most voice mail boxes will answer after about 30 seconds. If the line rings for more than a minute, it is unlikely that there is an answering service available. 
• Cubicle walls are very thin, and I can hear the guy on the other side of mine watching videos and listening to music all the time. One day he was watching the Defying Gravity Tony's performance. I want to be his friend.
• Do not forget to dial 9-1- before dialing out. Otherwise you dial an extension for someone within the company and don't reach the student at all.
• Rainy days make it harder to be in-office for some reason. I'd rather be in bed.
• I tend to be more productive after 2pm than before 2pm for some reason. 
• Some people have voices that carry from all the way across the office. Like 4 or 5 rows of desks away. 
• These people, with the voices that carry, often look nothing like you expected them to from the way their voice sounds.
• People who pick up the phone and either immediately hang up, or who speak with you for a moment and then hang up boggle my mind. I never realized how rude that was, especially when we're calling with information THEY requested. Also the people who refuse to answer you with anything other than one-word-answers..... what?
• I am the most fidgety human. I never realized how much I dislike sitting in the same place for extended periods of time. My legs are almost always wiggling, or I'm playing with my hair. Something to keep me from falling asleep.
• 15 minutes for lunch is all you really need. But sometimes you REALLY need a full half hour. 
• I function better when there are goals set for me... trying to set my own goals isn't as motivating as trying to achieve something someone else expects me to do.
• Most of the people I talk to are nice enough, but every now and then I speak with someone so delightful that it just makes the whole day worth it. 

Dear Shira,

I can hardly believe it's been a whole three years since the day you found your way out of this world and into another place. So much has happened since you've been gone, but I know you've seen it all. There are times when I can feel you cheering me on, lending your support, daring me to have just one more drink. I'm dating someone incredible now, an Air Force Reserves guy, you'd like his uniform. I'm not ashamed to say I take comfort in the fact that I know you'd approve of him. I still listen to Big River from time to time. And I did a production of Christmas Carol this year and it actually made me miss that INSANE production we did at TCC. My fondness for cheap sunglasses is still so strong. Our picture from the beach with Erin and Juliette is proudly displayed on my mirror in my bedroom. I look at it every day. A friend of mine spent spring break in Portland and hiked Multonomah Falls, all of her pictures brought back memories of us laughing our way up the hill and taking the most ridiculous photos in the psuedo-caves along the mountain side. One day I'm going to go back there and hike it again. And I want to go to the Japanese tea gardens too, one of my all time favorite photos of you and I is from that trip- sitting in the gardens.

You look divine. I look... oh so very young.

I miss you. Some times much more than others. And it seems to be less painful this year than the last two years were... but it's still difficult to believe that you're really gone. I haven't been back to Tallahassee since that time when I was visited you at the hospital in Gainesville- and I don't know when I'll ever make it back there. But whenever I end up in that part of the world again, you better believe I'm coming to see you and fill you in on all the juicy little details of my life. You're the best example of joy and light and vibrancy I've ever had, and all I can hope is that I'm carrying that example forward as best as possible. I love you baby girl. And miss you like madness. Drink a shot for me, because I know you're partying it up wherever you are. <3

Love Always

Me

Being True

I read this quote today on tumblr:

“

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming.

”

       -Rachel C. Lewis, Tell The People You Love That You Love Them 

I read this and suddenly I was feeling all these emotions in my chest. I tend to live in the 'pretending not to care' camp. I'm frequently afraid of seeming needy or clingy or annoying, for whatever reason I'm incredibly terrified that I will push people away with how intensely I feel towards them. This applies to everyone: friends, family, cast members, significant others. I'm not sure where this comes from. I do know that one of my biggest fears is being alone, really truly alone. Somehow in my mind I feel like if I appear to eager or forward about my affections towards a person that they will get scared and pull away. 

But this quote... this quote reminded me how important it is to tell people how you feel, because you never know when they wont be there anymore. Almost three years ago the world lost a beautiful shining example of this when my lovely friend Shira passed away. The day before she left our world I sent a message to one of our mutual friends and asked her to let Shira know that I love her and that I am always thinking of her. I had no idea that she'd be gone the next day, but I am forever grateful that I had the inspiration to make sure she knew that she was important to me. It made coping with her passing just a tiny bit easier. One thing that Shira always did was tell everyone around her how she felt about them. She was the most honest and true human being I've ever known. And it always seems that this time of year I get presented with a reminder of her and her sweet spirit. 

So 

I'm making a 'Shira-resolution' (since my New Years resolution has already been achieved): I'm resolving to be more open and honest and true in all of my relationships. I'm going to tell people how I feel. I'm going to stop censoring my emotions. I'm going to love as openly and freely as possible. I'm going to ensure that the most important people in my world know that they are important, that they are vital, that they are loved. I will send 'reckless' text messages. I will kiss a little too fiercely. I will hug a little too tightly. I will fight through my insecurities and fear and be as true as possible. 

You Betta Werk

One of the perks of my new job is the gym available for employees. Its really more like a workout room with a smattering of equipment, but it's there. And it's free. And I have to walk past it on my way to the parking garage. Which means it's easy to stop in there on my way out after my shift.

SO- since I started at WGU on February 18th I've been attempting to get in 30-45 minutes of exercise at least 3 days a week. I tend to stick with the cardio equipment, I love the elliptical. There's a cross-train program on the machine and it really kicks my ass. I downloaded netflix for my phone and I watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer while I workout and the time flies by. Its nuts how much I miss it over the weekends; and this week I didnt feel so hot on Monday and Tuesday so I skipped out and felt terrible about it.

Early on when I started going in I stepped on the scale they've got near the locker rooms and weighed out at about 165lbs. Last week when I stepped on the scale I was down to 158. I think between packing my lunch most days and getting in some sweat time I'm headed towards actually achieving some weight-loss goals I've been struggling with for years. I've always wanted to drop down below 150, ideally I'd like to rest in the 140-145 range. I need to get brave and venture into the world of weights- I know I'll see better results if I pump a bit of iron. I just have no frame of reference on how to use them completely. I feel like a complete idiot when I try to do free-weights, and the lifting machines seem really limited. But I'll figure it out. I bet Chris could give me some pointers, I just need to stop being a baby and ask for help. :-P

Anyways. I'm loving that I feel better overall. I'm not doing much, but its been enough to make a difference day-to-day, and I'm more aware of what I'm eating and how it makes me feel. I'm hoping that as soon as we start rehearsals for Noises Off I'll be able to keep up physically- it's such a crazy show, and I wasn't in the greatest shape when I got cast. But when we start rehearsing at the end of the month I'll have been doing regular cardio for over a month and hopefully my stamina/endurance will be better. And I'll be able to wear a slimmer fitting costume... :-P

Hashtag: Social Media Madness

Sign in, upload, tag, hashtag, like, comment, tweet, reblog, double-tap, poke.

"Why is there no dislike button?"

"I wish I could like this a million times!"

"Vague-booking"

#SocialMediaMadness

I hopped on the social media train pretty early. I was ALL about the Myspace craze; I blogged, and messaged, and carefully chose my top 8. I was into the madness so deeply that I began teaching myself html basics just so my page was REALLY mine. People began asking for your Myspace link instead of your phone number, because we all knew that's what we'd be doing after school anyways. Besides, only a few of us even owned cell phones- and they didn't do anything other than call or text.

And then came Facebook.

And Twitter.

And Tumblr.

And Instagram.

And with the advent of the smart phone we were suddenly all connected 24/7

Everyone can now conveniently be social from the comfort of their own home. No human interaction required. You don't even have to text anyone- a Facebook message or if I @ someone in a tweet they're just as likely to see it. 

A few weeks ago I realized something. I had been feeling rather down and isolated and left-out. It seemed like I wasn't important, I was drifting away from certain people, they all seemed to be having fun without me. And that sucked. Majorly. I kept seeing tweets and Facebook statuses that didn't involve me, and it felt like a personal attack... I was upset and angry and then...

I stepped back. I realized

"Hey, none of this has ANYTHING to do with you! If you aren't involved it's because you're busy staring at a screen wishing you were involved instead of going out and changing things."

So I signed off.

For a whole 24 hours I didn't check my Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr accounts. I even removed the icon shortcuts from the home-screen on my phone. I spent the day with my boyfriend and his family and our friends. I enjoyed the rain and took a nap. I read some chapters of a book. I watched a crappy movie and laughed and drank and smiled at a party. And I felt more connected than I had in weeks.

When I logged back into everything I sort-of anticipated LOADS of notifications.

Turns out I didn't miss much. Nothing too thrilling had happened.

I know this isn't anything shocking or new for anyone. We've all been told that social media distorts our realities. But I think sometimes we need a reminder. Sometimes when someone tells you "Oh, I don't have a facebook/instagram/twitter" instead of expressing shock, you can maybe take a page from their book. I'm not saying delete your profiles and log-off for good, but taking a day or two to unplug is definitely worth a shot. I'm planning on trying it at least once a week- I think my overall mental health needs it.

and I think maybe the world can do with a few less #hashtags.

As the Days Go By....

It has been five months since I was last able to update. My laptop went kaput, no power at all. So I've been operating on my cell phone only for my internet access. Silly, but it was all I had. I'd like to tell you every single detail of everything that's been going on, but there is too much. Let me sum up:

• Christmas Carol at Hale Center Theatre- This was an incredible experience. So much joy and laughter and fun. Hope to do it again this winter.
• Guess who's in a relationship? Over the course of last year my long-time friend Chris & I were reconnected and our friendship grew quite a bit. Then right before Thanksgiving we made things official and decided to give this dating thing a try. So far, so good. He makes me ridiculously happy.
• Auditions and Let-downs- I auditioned for several things over the fall and winter, big projects that would have been incredible to be a part of. But you can't always land the jobs you want, so I've had to brush off some disappointment and forge ahead. I'm VERY excited to say that I did manage to win a role in the upcoming production of Noises Off at The Grand Theatre this spring. I'm so excited and terrified, and I hope you can all make it! Click the photo in the sidebar to buy tickets!
• My Rotten Mutt- Since moving down here in September I've been trying to get Buster moved down here as well. Unfortunately the beast does not seem suited for apartment dwelling. So he remains at my mother's.
• New Years Resolutions- My biggest resolution was to get the hell out of the food-service industry. As soon as January 1st rolled around I began applying for all sorts of jobs, anything that moved that didnt involve food. My dear friend Dustin recommended applying at Western Governors University, so I did, and I am now an Associate Enrollment Counselor. The year isn't even a 3rd over and I've completed my resolution. I'll be making better money- more consistently, and I get to set my own hours(basically) and I have a laptop for work/personal use. Next up on the resolutions list- getting finances in control.
• A Car that Breathes- Mom paid to get my car fixed for my birthday present. I now no-longer have to suffer through bitter winters or suffocating summers without heat or air. This is amazing.

I'm hoping to focus this blog into more of a topical place. I want to write about things I'm learning, ideas I have, the observations of a un-married 26 year old living on her own in the heart of Salt Lake. I have no doubt this will still end up being pretty self-centered, but I'd like to work on my writing skills, communicating better through words and the web. So we'll see how that goes. Either way. I'm back.