The Company You Keep...

It's been an interesting few months. I've been a mess. Anxieties off the charts and disappointments abounding. But I've also been a part of a magically special production of WIT, widened my circle of friends, got a new tattoo, planned a dream vacation, and started taking steps towards gaining some sort of control over the business/monetary matters in my life.


The one thing that's really been plaguing me recently is the emotional matters in my life. The anxiety and stress and dark parts of myself have been winning out more often than not, and coping is sometimes not my strongest suit. I've realized I'm REALLY good at making terrible decisions when it comes to coping.

One thing I've pin-pointed is the fact that I crave the attention and company of people who aren't necessarily available to help me when I feel this way. While I do have VERY helpful, loving friends, it's not always prime friend time when I'm having an emotional breakdown. And in those moments, it's not always those closest to me who my brain defaults to for seeking comfort. Which is shitty. Because it's usually people who were formerly close to me, but we have since drifted apart.

And I realize drifting is a natural part of friendships. Every relationship goes through phases, and life makes it hard to see people as often as we'd like at times, while other times are more accomodating. However, there are times when you have to accept the other party is not as invested in maintaining your connection. And that's fine. Difficult. but Fine. I'm trying to learn how to only crave the company of people who also crave my company. When you're the only person who attempts to communicate, or arrange spending time together, then it's not worth it anymore.

In Merrily We Roll Along, Charlie says "Friendship is like a garden. You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. And you know what? I miss it. And I want it back."

But the thing is... if I'm the only one watering and tending and caring, I don't want it back.

On Feeling Like an Old Maid, and why it's Bullshit

When web-searching for the definition of an "Old Maid" the most common answers went something like this:

• A woman who has passed the customary age of marriage and will likely remain single.
  or
• A woman who has passed the age of having children and being wed.
  or
• Someone unlikely to ever get married.

Most message board respondents seem to agree that you don't reach Old Maid status until you hit 40.

BUT

When you live in Utah, its REAL easy to start feeling past your prime much earlier than that.

You know, at like... 27.

This happens because all the wedding announcements on your mother's fridge are now for kids who are at least 5 years younger than you.

And because half of your friends from college are now having kids and your FB and Instagram are full of baby photos.

Also, all the single girls at work. (the majority who are your age or younger) are ALWAYS talking about this guy or that guy or "who are you dating?" 

Everyone is on the hunt, its expected that you're looking for that one person to complete your life. Its the most important subject of conversation. Always. 

So over it. I have just the hardest time with those conversations.

Because I'm not looking for "Mr. Right." 

I'm hardly even looking for a "Mr. Right-Now."

I'm floating in this phase of my life where the thought of opening myself up to something deeper than casual and easy and simple is TERRIFYING.

However, I also have these moments of longing and loneliness and heartache where I start to wonder if I'm ever going to not be terrified. Because while I'm not actively seeking him out, I do still want my Mr. Right.

I have this image of a someone, and a list of traits I'd like them to have, give or take a few because I know no one is perfect. I know there will need to be some electricity there, some fire and passion; but, also something calm and peaceful about being around them. This someone will understand my love and passion for theatre, whether or not they participate in it themselves. We'll be able to each enjoy our separate hobbies and activities and friends without needing the other around all the time, but we'll also be able to enjoy each others hobbies and activities and friends at the same time. He'll compliment my eccentricities with his own, and he'll understand when I'm having one of those days that require sweatpants and curling up in a ball. 

And I know he's gotta be out there somewhere. But I also know that in the meantime, I've got way more important things to focus on:

 The next audition coming up.

How I can spend more time with my puppy.

Going on vacation with my roommate.

Getting tickets to that concert that I absolutely can't miss.

Figuring out my health and my finances.

Trying to be a better friend.

Feeling satisfied and okay and content with myself more days than not.

Because, in the long run, he's probably working on all of these things too- in his own way. And until that whole "right place/right time" thing happens, I might as well be enjoying the things that keep me happy and sane and human.

Living in Utah, where there's this cultural need and urgency to get married and procreate, kind of makes those of us who aren't in any hurry feel a little.... old. Or lacking. Or something. And I think it's a load of crap. I may not be actively looking to tie the knot and settle down, but I am actively pursing wonderful things. I'm actively working on myself all the time. I'm trying to become a whole person, someone that doesn't need completion, but someone who would like companionship eventually. I'm actively working on loving life the way it is, accepting everything about being who I am and where I am. And in the long run, I feel like that'll make things so much easier for me and my future companion. Because really....

30 before 30. (or, A Bucket List with a Deadline)

You guys. In just under 60 days it will be Christmas.

Which means that in just under 60 days it will be my birthday.

27

I'm turning 27 this year. Which is just a mere 3 years from hitting the big 3-0....

THIRTY!
My 30s have never felt so close and it's more than a little bizarre.

I have heard, however, that your 30s are the time when life finally starts feeling like it makes a bit more sense.

That for whatever reason, once you're in your 30s things settle and absorb and come full circle in a really great way.

So... honestly, I'm looking forward to my 30s. Truly. I'm more than a little over these psycho, hyper-emotional, roller coaster 20s. I'm ready for things to quiet down and feel like they make even a fraction more sense.

THAT BEING SAID-

I was going through some old magazines tonight and found a bucket-list of sorts.

This writer came up with a list of 30 "Silly, naughty, daring things you secretly want to do but have no excuse to...." and decided to do them all before she turned 30. She did them all in the month leading up to her 30th birthday... so one thing every day. That seems exhausting to me. But I do love the idea of a 30 before 30 list... and since I like to plan ahead for most things... I thought I'd start putting mine together now. I took some ideas from her list, and will add my own as well... and we'll see where this goes. This goes into effect as of now. 

1. Tell Mom a Deep, Dark, Secret. pick one... there's plenty to chose from.
2. For one day, say 'Yes' to everything. at least everything that won't cost you your job/too much money.
3. Get a psychic reading. not just tarot cards... an actual palm-reading, crystal consulting psychic.
4. Have sex in a public place.  'nough said.
5. Buy an expensive dress, wear it out, return it the next day. note: find someplace fancy to wear said dress.
6. Read War and Peace, finally. and also maybe Anna Karenina , among a few other classics.
7. Throw a drink in a man's face, like in the old movies. it has to feel as liberating as it looks.
8. Chill with someone about to turn 20. this will be easy, since it will likely be my sister and her friends. 
9. Lose those last 5lbs. aka- get to the goal weight (140) and stay there.
10. Eat alone at a super classy restaurant. Some place people only take dates to.
11. Buy a pair of Designer shoes. Preferably on sale... 
12. Have a closure conversation with an unrequited love. ....this may have to wait until the last month of 29 before i feel ready for that.
13. Get a brazillian wax. because why the hell not?
14. Tell my closest friends what I love most about them. no time like the present
15. Kiss a man whose hair is longer than mine. like... really long.
16. Kiss a woman whose hair is shorter than mine. like... really short.
17. Get my finances in good order. or at least better order. ironing out the kinks on my credit before i'm 30 would be huge!
18. Write at least one letter a month. and actually mail it out!
19. Take a Pole or Silks or Strip-robics class. getting in shape can be sexy!
20. Attend religious services of faiths I'm not familiar with. if for no other reason than to feel more informed about how people worship. 
21. Dye my hair a color that is not a natural hair color shade. i'm leaning towards teal or purple... maybe i'll do both....
22. Audition for a touring company/cruise line/Disney every time the opportunity arises. explore EVERY avenue for getting the eff out of here with performing.
23. Read all the plays I own and buy at least one play a month. essentially be a good actor and know the field
24. Get back into Voice Lessons. be 100% prepared and ready to kill every audition.
25. *TO BE DETERMINED
26. *TO BE DETERMINED
27. *TO BE DETERMINED
28. *TO BE DETERMINED
29. Celebrate New Years Eve in NYC with my friends. also acceptable if carried out on the NYE immediately following my 30th birthday.
30. Float a message in a bottle out to sea. let it carry away any lingering negativity.