My Whole30 Wrap Up

I haven't written on this blog since Black Friday last year. Almost a whole year. Whoops!

I've since done 2 different productions (First Date and Rock of Ages), and I'm about to open a 3rd (Addams Family).

I've been to Mexico, Disneyland, LA, San Diego, the and Utah Shakespeare Festival.

I've transitioned to working from home.

I started dating a man who is every day making me the happiest.

And, as of today, I've completed my first Whole30.

photo cred: whole 30 creator, Melissa Hartwig
(see her IG handle above- she's kind of the fiercest)

I kind of decided on a whim to look into Whole 30. I've been trying all year to work on eating better and dropping some weight, and I did okay at the start of the summer- my part in Rock of Ages was motivating, I wanted to look good in the jumpsuits they were putting me in. But once the show opened just got a little crazy and busy and I lost focus (like always.) Then Addams Family happened. I'm playing Morticia, who wears a "dress cut down to Venezuela." (actual quote from the show.) I felt like I needed to get back on the horse to really feel comfortable in what my costume would be; I wanted to be able to focus on my performance, not my body.
That's where the Whole30 came in. My friends Karmon and Jared recommended it when I saw them about 6 weeks ago. We were talking about Morticia, and wanting to eat better and they told me about how it had worked for them. And, after some research I thought "Yeah, I can do that."

Essentially you spend Thirty days without consuming any of the following:

Grains (including rice & corn)

Dairy

Beans or Legumes (soy)

Sugar (no honey or natural sweeteners either)

Alcohol

I know, Miss Jay, I know. I love all those things too.

Just Thirty days eating only whole, complete proteins, veggies, fruits, and fats. The idea is that it's a hard reset on your body, eliminating the types of food that could potentially be contributing to fatigue, headaches, bloating, bad skin, overweight, etc. You follow those essential guidelines, while also avoiding the scale, and paying attention to those foods that are still a crutch for you.
Once you've succeeded, you add each item back into your diet slowly, to see what affects you and how. 

Today is my day 31. 

Over the last month I've been excited, annoyed, energized, frustrated, hangry, inspired, motivated, and a thousand other emotions. I've learned how to cook so many meals that are full of flavor and void of filler. I've started reading labels and discovered just how much crap is added to our food. I've learned to love coffee without sugar (though I'm dying for a Pumpkin Latte VERY soon.) I've eaten more fruit this month than I have all year. I've learned I can handle stress and anxiety without alcohol or food. I've learned I can say NO when something full of empty calories is in front of me. My skin has been clearer, I sleep better, I generally have much more sustainable energy, and my clothes fit much better.  I have survived gatherings with friends and outings to bars and birthday parties without having a drink or eating the sweets. I've learned I need to eat something every 3-4 hours or so; otherwise, I get really grumpy. I've learned how helpful it is to meal-plan, and how much time it can save in the long-run.

I've been supported by awesome people. 

My amazing boyfriend has helped me shop, cook, meal prep, read labels, and even discovered the best way to make Whole30 compliant mayo so that I could have ranch dip for my veggies.
(Did you know regular mayo has sugar in it? WHAT?)

My Addams Family cast-members have cheered me on and avoided offering me sweets so that I didn't have to say no (and even baked me treats I could save and eat now that I'm done.) 

All my friends on FB and IG and at Work were extra supportive, commenting and encouraging me to stay the course and not give up anytime my cravings started getting a little too loud.

My Mom sent me recipes I could moderate to fit the rules.

Seriously so grateful. This would have been impossible without you guys.

It's been an incredible month. I'm going to start slow with the reintroduction phase- tonight will be a sugar-free cocktail or two. This weekend I'll pick something else to add back in (probably a PSL with almond milk- hello sugar! Or just all the cheese!). And then I'll just work my way down the line. For the most part- I think i'm going to keep meal-prepping fairly close to Whole30 standards. Maybe mixing in some Paleo solutions for things like tortillas and such, and hopefully my body still likes cheese. But, having meals ready to go in the fridge has been really liberating (and saved me money since I'm not driving through places.) And I'm loving how I feel eating this way. 

Long story short (too late), I feel like even though Whole30 is over, this is kind of the start of taking better care of myself as a complete human. I'm pretty psyched to keep feeling great and finding new ways to be the best me.

The Company You Keep...

It's been an interesting few months. I've been a mess. Anxieties off the charts and disappointments abounding. But I've also been a part of a magically special production of WIT, widened my circle of friends, got a new tattoo, planned a dream vacation, and started taking steps towards gaining some sort of control over the business/monetary matters in my life.


The one thing that's really been plaguing me recently is the emotional matters in my life. The anxiety and stress and dark parts of myself have been winning out more often than not, and coping is sometimes not my strongest suit. I've realized I'm REALLY good at making terrible decisions when it comes to coping.

One thing I've pin-pointed is the fact that I crave the attention and company of people who aren't necessarily available to help me when I feel this way. While I do have VERY helpful, loving friends, it's not always prime friend time when I'm having an emotional breakdown. And in those moments, it's not always those closest to me who my brain defaults to for seeking comfort. Which is shitty. Because it's usually people who were formerly close to me, but we have since drifted apart.

And I realize drifting is a natural part of friendships. Every relationship goes through phases, and life makes it hard to see people as often as we'd like at times, while other times are more accomodating. However, there are times when you have to accept the other party is not as invested in maintaining your connection. And that's fine. Difficult. but Fine. I'm trying to learn how to only crave the company of people who also crave my company. When you're the only person who attempts to communicate, or arrange spending time together, then it's not worth it anymore.

In Merrily We Roll Along, Charlie says "Friendship is like a garden. You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. And you know what? I miss it. And I want it back."

But the thing is... if I'm the only one watering and tending and caring, I don't want it back.

Anxiety Central

Just all the time.

Work makes me anxious because I have to perform well enough to keep my job, but find the balance between following up with people and respecting their lives. You also have to be polite and professional and friendly to everyone. And keep your thoughts to yourself. And follow up with EVERY student. And should I be looking to move into a new position? Am I making enough money with what I'm doing? Should I look for something else? But, If i do look for something else does that make me a bad employee for not sticking it out longer? Exhausting.

And then, because work is exhausting, I have little desire to do anything after work. But there's laundry, or dishes. Do you spend the energy to make dinner, or go out to eat? Which causes anxiety because cooking is just more work, but you really shouldn't spend the money to eat out... So you stay in and make something that's not really as satisfying as you'd like it to be, but it's food. But because you're tired you dont want to do the dishes, and then your awesome roomie does them for you and you worry about that.

There's also the constant desire to maintain friendships, which takes reaching out to people and scheduling time to get together and do something. But I'm constantly anxious about not wanting to impose on people, and negotiating schedules can get stressful. And sometimes you do make plans but really just would rather be at home but canceling would be rude. And the times you had offers on the table but you turn them down because leaving the house is just too much, but then sit at home wishing you weren't by yourself...

And when I do go out to socialize I'm always worried about Buster being left alone. Granted, he does have his Andy buddy to be with most of the time, but I still feel badly because I'm not as present and involved of a pet owner as I could be. Do I take him out on enough walks? Is he eating enough? too much? (This is why I know I could never be a human parent, being a pet parent stresses me out enough)

And then there's the dating thing. Don't even get me started on that. A whole big ball of issues and neuroses and anxiety on that front. Even still.

Pretty much the only time I'm not anxious about one thing or another is when I'm sleeping... which can't be a good thing. It's exhausting. I'm tired all the time. It's something that one should probably talk to a professional about. But, of course, the idea of that gives me even more anxiety.

Mind you, I recognize that other people deal with this on a MUCH larger level. That my low-grade anxiety is nothing compared to the crippling anxiety a lot of people deal with. But it's still something that I feel like can't be healthy. It can't be normal to feel this much stress about everything all the time. But I haven't figured out how to fight past it enough to do anything about it.

So I pretend I'm fine and try to quell that tight, nagging feeling that creeps in behind my sternum more often than I'd like. And Nap.

On: Actor Slumps

Since December I've auditioned for 7 different productions

I was called back for 6 of those

and offered roles in exactly.... 0

0 for 7.  A new record for me.

And more than a little disheartening.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that being called back is an accomplishment in itself.

And, as a friend said last night, the fact that I'm getting out there and auditioning so frequently is a big deal.

And, you know, there's all that warm fuzzy stuff about "Probably just not the right time." "Everything for a reason..."

blah

blah

blah

blah

blah

This is the part when the 'Vampires' start to sweep in.

(If you're unfamiliar with these Vampires, See THIS song for reference.)

Mostly they're of the Pygmy variety. 

They show up, swarming around in my brain, toying with my insecurities and screaming falsehoods.
And mostly I can swat them away and ignore them and power through.

But then, just as I start to drift off to sleep, that Vampire of Despair likes to crawl into bed with me, 

and she's a bitch.

She just snuggles right up and whispers sweet nothings about how pointless it all is. She likes to tell me I'm wasting my time, that no one will ever cast me, that its ridiculous to keep trying, that I'm never going to fit anyone's 'type' for any role. Her favorite thing to say is that if it were going to happen, it would've happened already, that I'm obviously not any good, otherwise I'd be getting hired.

... she's the worst.

SO. I just sing a little "Die, Vampire, Die", and try to take the supportive things people say to heart, and I try to prove that stupid Despair Vampire wrong.

As part of my vampire slaying tool-belt, I have some links bookmarked that I find helpful in times like these. One of them is a NY Times article from 1989 by Frank Langella, which is incredible and I highly recommend (find it HERE). 

But today it was THIS article from Backstage.com that banished some of those vampires for me. I've referred back to this piece MANY MANY MANY times, and today it did exactly what it's done before: given me perspective. Very important, that perspective. This was what hit me the most today:

"Having been at this career a while, I don't worry about these brief dips. I think it's part of being an artist. We put our very selves out there, and occasionally, the wind gets knocked out of us. Sometimes, we lose our heart for the battle.(...) But I urge you to also keep in mind another eternal, fundamental truth: More than for most people in most professions, an actor's circumstances can change on a dime, without warning, for the better. (...) What's important -- maybe even necessary for us -- is not to avoid the occasional periods of discouragement but to develop effective habits for riding these ups and downs.

Be gentle with yourselves, actors. This stuff ain't easy."

So. I'm going to try to be gentle with myself, it is my "Be Soft" year after all. I'm going to revise my resume and print some headshots and venture out into the cold, difficult arena of auditions another 7, 12, 43 more times... and I'm not going to stop just because the vampires inside my head tell me to.

Besides- if you throw enough pasta at the wall, eventually something will stick, right? Just gotta keep throwing myself out there.

Unbreakable - or - My quest to be more like Kimmy Schmidt

FIRST THINGS FIRST

If you are not watching this INCREDIBLE show on netflix, you're wasting your life.

Seriously. It's hilarious, and empowering and wonderful.

So watch it. Because that's kind of what the rest of this post refers to. 

Life has been ridiculous lately.

I go through this crazy cycle of a few incredible weeks and then just a few weeks where I'd rather be curled up in a ball in bed. It's exhausting, and I probably need to figure out why it happens that way.

But, the point is,

it happens. 

And even on those days when I feel like I can't function, I have to function. 

I have to get out of my bed and go to work and interact with people, and I have to pretend like everything is peachy keen.

One of my favorite things that Kimmy Schmidt has given me is the idea that "You can survive anything for 10 seconds." Some days its just a matter of taking it ten seconds at a time in order to make it through the most unbearable of days. It's a matter of realizing there is only so much that you can control, and breathing deep to release any stress or guilt about the things that you can't.


Also, Kimmy is one of the most positive, optimistic characters I've ever seen. She finds the joy in every strange, un-ideal situation. She fights her way through some impossible odds. She lets herself be down for a little while but then picks herself back up and powers onward.
 I'm trying to do that too.

So. 10 Seconds at a Time.
I'm also reminding myself that I am lucky:
I have a job
I have insurance
I have incredible friends
I have Buster
I have voice lessons
I have nice things
I have amazing co-workers
I have a car

I'm not drowning.
I'm strong.as.hell.
UNBREAKABLE
dammit!

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day
Singles Awareness Day
V-Day

Whatever you call it, it's that time of year again. The time when people seem to either pair off, or lament their singularity, or bemoan how little such a commercial day means.

For me, this year, it's somehow just a day.

I'd anticipated being emotional.

Sad, angry, nostalgic, regretful, lonely, hurt....

But I'm not.

I've been thinking about last year, this time, when I was in a relationship and the day seemed to hold significance. It felt special and good at the time. 

But on reflection, it was very one-sided. I put in a lot of thought and energy, treating someone else in a way that just wasn't ever reciprocated, really. Not that everything always needs to be 100% reciprocal in relationships- but some sort of effort from both parties should be made... don't you think?

ANYWAYS.

This year I'm taking the opportunity to just look at the 14th of February as a day to Treat myself.

Sleeping in.

Eating well.

Surrounding myself with people (and pets) whom I love.

That whats the day should be about. 

If that means being around someone you're romantically involved with, great.

But if you're not in a relationship, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the day and fill it with love for yourself and the others around you.

And just for the record- I love you guys. ♥

January Wrap Up

It's been a month of learning. I've been trying to put myself first, focus on what I need and what I want and what feels right. 

I started taking Voice Lessons from the amazing Mary Driggs. Three weeks in and I can't believe what I've been missing. I hadn't taken an actual lesson since I graduated from Weber, and even though I've been singing and working since then I didn't realize how many bad habits I've picked up. I'm working muscles that haven't been used in a while and discovering that it's easier than I thought to do what I want with my voice. So incredible. 

Also- while I'm still working on it- I've been trying to eat more fresh, real food. I've tried to up my water intake a bit- or at least maintain it.

 I've been cooking at home more often. Much more veggies. Trying to eat less carbs, less red-meat, and more chicken and fish. I've never really been a fish fan, but i'm learning to like tilapia, and I think I'm going to try and cook more with shrimp and possibly attempt to eat other kinds of fish... maybe. I don't necessarily feel like I've lost weight, but I feel better overall, which is nice.

I took some time this month to just enjoy myself as well. I've tried to surround myself with people who make me laugh, who make me feel beautiful, and who bring out the best in me. It's given me a lot of perspective on some of the ways I'd been treating myself in the past and helped me open a few windows- emotionally. I'm discovering parts of myself that I didn't know I had, treating myself to fun experiences and planning things for myself this year- and it's been an adventure. And I'm lucky to have awesome people along for the ride. 

------------

February is going to be fun. 

Ally and I have tickets for the Dancing With The Stars tour. I'm going to visit Randall in San Diego for 4 days. There's 'Mermaid' auditions, and possibly 'Lyric' auditions. 

There's a million plans and potentials that are floating in the air right now- and all of them are thrilling and terrifying and amazing.

I can't wait.

2015: My 'Hashtags'

#BeSoft2015

I will not be hard. I will not hate. I will not be bitter.

I DO still find the world to be a beautiful place. 

And I'm going to remember that, and I'm going to work on 'Softness' all year long.

Softness, kindness, patience, reflection.

Opening myself up to beauty and love.

It's also likely that I'm getting the words "Be Soft" tattooed on my wrist. 

like. soon.

very soon.

#Fancy

"I may have been born just plain white trash, but Fancy was'a'my name!"

Randall and I have decided this is also the year of "Fancy." There is something just the most fierce about this song. About a young girl who took control of her life and pulled herself up. So I'm going to be Fancy, I'm going to be fierce, I'm going to remember where I came from and how it helped me get to where I am. I'm going to aspire to be Reba and Kelly. 

#DontLetMeDown