On: Actor Slumps

Since December I've auditioned for 7 different productions

I was called back for 6 of those

and offered roles in exactly.... 0

0 for 7.  A new record for me.

And more than a little disheartening.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that being called back is an accomplishment in itself.

And, as a friend said last night, the fact that I'm getting out there and auditioning so frequently is a big deal.

And, you know, there's all that warm fuzzy stuff about "Probably just not the right time." "Everything for a reason..."

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This is the part when the 'Vampires' start to sweep in.

(If you're unfamiliar with these Vampires, See THIS song for reference.)

Mostly they're of the Pygmy variety. 

They show up, swarming around in my brain, toying with my insecurities and screaming falsehoods.
And mostly I can swat them away and ignore them and power through.

But then, just as I start to drift off to sleep, that Vampire of Despair likes to crawl into bed with me, 

and she's a bitch.

She just snuggles right up and whispers sweet nothings about how pointless it all is. She likes to tell me I'm wasting my time, that no one will ever cast me, that its ridiculous to keep trying, that I'm never going to fit anyone's 'type' for any role. Her favorite thing to say is that if it were going to happen, it would've happened already, that I'm obviously not any good, otherwise I'd be getting hired.

... she's the worst.

SO. I just sing a little "Die, Vampire, Die", and try to take the supportive things people say to heart, and I try to prove that stupid Despair Vampire wrong.

As part of my vampire slaying tool-belt, I have some links bookmarked that I find helpful in times like these. One of them is a NY Times article from 1989 by Frank Langella, which is incredible and I highly recommend (find it HERE). 

But today it was THIS article from Backstage.com that banished some of those vampires for me. I've referred back to this piece MANY MANY MANY times, and today it did exactly what it's done before: given me perspective. Very important, that perspective. This was what hit me the most today:

"Having been at this career a while, I don't worry about these brief dips. I think it's part of being an artist. We put our very selves out there, and occasionally, the wind gets knocked out of us. Sometimes, we lose our heart for the battle.(...) But I urge you to also keep in mind another eternal, fundamental truth: More than for most people in most professions, an actor's circumstances can change on a dime, without warning, for the better. (...) What's important -- maybe even necessary for us -- is not to avoid the occasional periods of discouragement but to develop effective habits for riding these ups and downs.

Be gentle with yourselves, actors. This stuff ain't easy."

So. I'm going to try to be gentle with myself, it is my "Be Soft" year after all. I'm going to revise my resume and print some headshots and venture out into the cold, difficult arena of auditions another 7, 12, 43 more times... and I'm not going to stop just because the vampires inside my head tell me to.

Besides- if you throw enough pasta at the wall, eventually something will stick, right? Just gotta keep throwing myself out there.

Unbreakable - or - My quest to be more like Kimmy Schmidt

FIRST THINGS FIRST

If you are not watching this INCREDIBLE show on netflix, you're wasting your life.

Seriously. It's hilarious, and empowering and wonderful.

So watch it. Because that's kind of what the rest of this post refers to. 

Life has been ridiculous lately.

I go through this crazy cycle of a few incredible weeks and then just a few weeks where I'd rather be curled up in a ball in bed. It's exhausting, and I probably need to figure out why it happens that way.

But, the point is,

it happens. 

And even on those days when I feel like I can't function, I have to function. 

I have to get out of my bed and go to work and interact with people, and I have to pretend like everything is peachy keen.

One of my favorite things that Kimmy Schmidt has given me is the idea that "You can survive anything for 10 seconds." Some days its just a matter of taking it ten seconds at a time in order to make it through the most unbearable of days. It's a matter of realizing there is only so much that you can control, and breathing deep to release any stress or guilt about the things that you can't.


Also, Kimmy is one of the most positive, optimistic characters I've ever seen. She finds the joy in every strange, un-ideal situation. She fights her way through some impossible odds. She lets herself be down for a little while but then picks herself back up and powers onward.
 I'm trying to do that too.

So. 10 Seconds at a Time.
I'm also reminding myself that I am lucky:
I have a job
I have insurance
I have incredible friends
I have Buster
I have voice lessons
I have nice things
I have amazing co-workers
I have a car

I'm not drowning.
I'm strong.as.hell.
UNBREAKABLE
dammit!

Die Vampire, Die.

Silly things get in my brain and sometimes its hard to control the anxiety they cause.

When I finished my degree I had plans and goals of moving out of the state within the year, hoping to escape Utah and expand my horizons as an actor. I thought maybe I'd go back to Florida, then considered LA. I wanted a change, didn't want to get stuck. And then money happened, and life happened. And I decided I should move to Salt Lake. I would be nearer to the theatre opportunities that were most worthwhile, and my closest friends all lived here. And things kept rolling. I changed day-jobs. I've been working as an actor. I'm busy. 

And I don't know what I'm doing.

I am working on my career. I am in a challenging and exciting production of a show. I haven't done a production that I wasn't paid for since graduating from college with a theatre degree. I audition for something fairly regularly, and my new goal is at least one audition a month. I know I am cast-able, and I feel like I am hitting my stride and have started to grow into myself and my 'type.' I feel like I need to gain a few more experiences as an actor in larger roles, I want the opportunity to work with bigger theatres here in the valley, try to earn a few Equity points before embarking on something larger outside the state.

 But I don't know what I'm doing. 

My two best friends are moving before the end of the year. Leaving the state and heading out to pursue bigger things. I am so proud of them both. And I'm so selfishly terrified of what I'm going to do when they're gone. I start to think maybe i'm wrong. Maybe I shouldn't wait. Maybe it's time to go and get out and be scared and challenged somewhere else. 

But there's still the money issue.

And life is still sort of kicking my ass in a lot of ways.

And the thought of letting life kick my ass too far away from a support system is terrifying.

so I don't know what I'm doing.