My Whole30 Wrap Up

I haven't written on this blog since Black Friday last year. Almost a whole year. Whoops!

I've since done 2 different productions (First Date and Rock of Ages), and I'm about to open a 3rd (Addams Family).

I've been to Mexico, Disneyland, LA, San Diego, the and Utah Shakespeare Festival.

I've transitioned to working from home.

I started dating a man who is every day making me the happiest.

And, as of today, I've completed my first Whole30.

photo cred: whole 30 creator, Melissa Hartwig
(see her IG handle above- she's kind of the fiercest)

I kind of decided on a whim to look into Whole 30. I've been trying all year to work on eating better and dropping some weight, and I did okay at the start of the summer- my part in Rock of Ages was motivating, I wanted to look good in the jumpsuits they were putting me in. But once the show opened just got a little crazy and busy and I lost focus (like always.) Then Addams Family happened. I'm playing Morticia, who wears a "dress cut down to Venezuela." (actual quote from the show.) I felt like I needed to get back on the horse to really feel comfortable in what my costume would be; I wanted to be able to focus on my performance, not my body.
That's where the Whole30 came in. My friends Karmon and Jared recommended it when I saw them about 6 weeks ago. We were talking about Morticia, and wanting to eat better and they told me about how it had worked for them. And, after some research I thought "Yeah, I can do that."

Essentially you spend Thirty days without consuming any of the following:

Grains (including rice & corn)

Dairy

Beans or Legumes (soy)

Sugar (no honey or natural sweeteners either)

Alcohol

I know, Miss Jay, I know. I love all those things too.

Just Thirty days eating only whole, complete proteins, veggies, fruits, and fats. The idea is that it's a hard reset on your body, eliminating the types of food that could potentially be contributing to fatigue, headaches, bloating, bad skin, overweight, etc. You follow those essential guidelines, while also avoiding the scale, and paying attention to those foods that are still a crutch for you.
Once you've succeeded, you add each item back into your diet slowly, to see what affects you and how. 

Today is my day 31. 

Over the last month I've been excited, annoyed, energized, frustrated, hangry, inspired, motivated, and a thousand other emotions. I've learned how to cook so many meals that are full of flavor and void of filler. I've started reading labels and discovered just how much crap is added to our food. I've learned to love coffee without sugar (though I'm dying for a Pumpkin Latte VERY soon.) I've eaten more fruit this month than I have all year. I've learned I can handle stress and anxiety without alcohol or food. I've learned I can say NO when something full of empty calories is in front of me. My skin has been clearer, I sleep better, I generally have much more sustainable energy, and my clothes fit much better.  I have survived gatherings with friends and outings to bars and birthday parties without having a drink or eating the sweets. I've learned I need to eat something every 3-4 hours or so; otherwise, I get really grumpy. I've learned how helpful it is to meal-plan, and how much time it can save in the long-run.

I've been supported by awesome people. 

My amazing boyfriend has helped me shop, cook, meal prep, read labels, and even discovered the best way to make Whole30 compliant mayo so that I could have ranch dip for my veggies.
(Did you know regular mayo has sugar in it? WHAT?)

My Addams Family cast-members have cheered me on and avoided offering me sweets so that I didn't have to say no (and even baked me treats I could save and eat now that I'm done.) 

All my friends on FB and IG and at Work were extra supportive, commenting and encouraging me to stay the course and not give up anytime my cravings started getting a little too loud.

My Mom sent me recipes I could moderate to fit the rules.

Seriously so grateful. This would have been impossible without you guys.

It's been an incredible month. I'm going to start slow with the reintroduction phase- tonight will be a sugar-free cocktail or two. This weekend I'll pick something else to add back in (probably a PSL with almond milk- hello sugar! Or just all the cheese!). And then I'll just work my way down the line. For the most part- I think i'm going to keep meal-prepping fairly close to Whole30 standards. Maybe mixing in some Paleo solutions for things like tortillas and such, and hopefully my body still likes cheese. But, having meals ready to go in the fridge has been really liberating (and saved me money since I'm not driving through places.) And I'm loving how I feel eating this way. 

Long story short (too late), I feel like even though Whole30 is over, this is kind of the start of taking better care of myself as a complete human. I'm pretty psyched to keep feeling great and finding new ways to be the best me.

Searching for Fire

I want excitement

I want energy

I want motivation

I want light

I want sparks

I want drive

I want follow-through

I want starry nights

I want sunny days

I want adventure

I want magic

I want passion

I want fire.

I need something to ignite me. I'm currently without a project or focus or drive. Work is fine and all, but I really really need something more to really turn me on and give me purpose. We've been decorating the office for Halloween, and that's been a nice distraction, as has coming up with costume ideas and such. But I'm struggling a bit. This is the first year in several that I haven't had a fall/winter project. I'm sure the cosmos have a reason for that, but it's still really difficult for me to adjust to. And I really feel like what I'm lacking is a fire, a drive, a purpose to wake up. Every single day this week has been a struggle to get out of bed before 7:30. I think I maybe achieved it once. But nothing outside of obligation is motivating that. And it makes me sad. And I want more.

Anxiety Central

Just all the time.

Work makes me anxious because I have to perform well enough to keep my job, but find the balance between following up with people and respecting their lives. You also have to be polite and professional and friendly to everyone. And keep your thoughts to yourself. And follow up with EVERY student. And should I be looking to move into a new position? Am I making enough money with what I'm doing? Should I look for something else? But, If i do look for something else does that make me a bad employee for not sticking it out longer? Exhausting.

And then, because work is exhausting, I have little desire to do anything after work. But there's laundry, or dishes. Do you spend the energy to make dinner, or go out to eat? Which causes anxiety because cooking is just more work, but you really shouldn't spend the money to eat out... So you stay in and make something that's not really as satisfying as you'd like it to be, but it's food. But because you're tired you dont want to do the dishes, and then your awesome roomie does them for you and you worry about that.

There's also the constant desire to maintain friendships, which takes reaching out to people and scheduling time to get together and do something. But I'm constantly anxious about not wanting to impose on people, and negotiating schedules can get stressful. And sometimes you do make plans but really just would rather be at home but canceling would be rude. And the times you had offers on the table but you turn them down because leaving the house is just too much, but then sit at home wishing you weren't by yourself...

And when I do go out to socialize I'm always worried about Buster being left alone. Granted, he does have his Andy buddy to be with most of the time, but I still feel badly because I'm not as present and involved of a pet owner as I could be. Do I take him out on enough walks? Is he eating enough? too much? (This is why I know I could never be a human parent, being a pet parent stresses me out enough)

And then there's the dating thing. Don't even get me started on that. A whole big ball of issues and neuroses and anxiety on that front. Even still.

Pretty much the only time I'm not anxious about one thing or another is when I'm sleeping... which can't be a good thing. It's exhausting. I'm tired all the time. It's something that one should probably talk to a professional about. But, of course, the idea of that gives me even more anxiety.

Mind you, I recognize that other people deal with this on a MUCH larger level. That my low-grade anxiety is nothing compared to the crippling anxiety a lot of people deal with. But it's still something that I feel like can't be healthy. It can't be normal to feel this much stress about everything all the time. But I haven't figured out how to fight past it enough to do anything about it.

So I pretend I'm fine and try to quell that tight, nagging feeling that creeps in behind my sternum more often than I'd like. And Nap.

On Feeling Like an Old Maid, and why it's Bullshit

When web-searching for the definition of an "Old Maid" the most common answers went something like this:

• A woman who has passed the customary age of marriage and will likely remain single.
  or
• A woman who has passed the age of having children and being wed.
  or
• Someone unlikely to ever get married.

Most message board respondents seem to agree that you don't reach Old Maid status until you hit 40.

BUT

When you live in Utah, its REAL easy to start feeling past your prime much earlier than that.

You know, at like... 27.

This happens because all the wedding announcements on your mother's fridge are now for kids who are at least 5 years younger than you.

And because half of your friends from college are now having kids and your FB and Instagram are full of baby photos.

Also, all the single girls at work. (the majority who are your age or younger) are ALWAYS talking about this guy or that guy or "who are you dating?" 

Everyone is on the hunt, its expected that you're looking for that one person to complete your life. Its the most important subject of conversation. Always. 

So over it. I have just the hardest time with those conversations.

Because I'm not looking for "Mr. Right." 

I'm hardly even looking for a "Mr. Right-Now."

I'm floating in this phase of my life where the thought of opening myself up to something deeper than casual and easy and simple is TERRIFYING.

However, I also have these moments of longing and loneliness and heartache where I start to wonder if I'm ever going to not be terrified. Because while I'm not actively seeking him out, I do still want my Mr. Right.

I have this image of a someone, and a list of traits I'd like them to have, give or take a few because I know no one is perfect. I know there will need to be some electricity there, some fire and passion; but, also something calm and peaceful about being around them. This someone will understand my love and passion for theatre, whether or not they participate in it themselves. We'll be able to each enjoy our separate hobbies and activities and friends without needing the other around all the time, but we'll also be able to enjoy each others hobbies and activities and friends at the same time. He'll compliment my eccentricities with his own, and he'll understand when I'm having one of those days that require sweatpants and curling up in a ball. 

And I know he's gotta be out there somewhere. But I also know that in the meantime, I've got way more important things to focus on:

 The next audition coming up.

How I can spend more time with my puppy.

Going on vacation with my roommate.

Getting tickets to that concert that I absolutely can't miss.

Figuring out my health and my finances.

Trying to be a better friend.

Feeling satisfied and okay and content with myself more days than not.

Because, in the long run, he's probably working on all of these things too- in his own way. And until that whole "right place/right time" thing happens, I might as well be enjoying the things that keep me happy and sane and human.

Living in Utah, where there's this cultural need and urgency to get married and procreate, kind of makes those of us who aren't in any hurry feel a little.... old. Or lacking. Or something. And I think it's a load of crap. I may not be actively looking to tie the knot and settle down, but I am actively pursing wonderful things. I'm actively working on myself all the time. I'm trying to become a whole person, someone that doesn't need completion, but someone who would like companionship eventually. I'm actively working on loving life the way it is, accepting everything about being who I am and where I am. And in the long run, I feel like that'll make things so much easier for me and my future companion. Because really....

Unbreakable - or - My quest to be more like Kimmy Schmidt

FIRST THINGS FIRST

If you are not watching this INCREDIBLE show on netflix, you're wasting your life.

Seriously. It's hilarious, and empowering and wonderful.

So watch it. Because that's kind of what the rest of this post refers to. 

Life has been ridiculous lately.

I go through this crazy cycle of a few incredible weeks and then just a few weeks where I'd rather be curled up in a ball in bed. It's exhausting, and I probably need to figure out why it happens that way.

But, the point is,

it happens. 

And even on those days when I feel like I can't function, I have to function. 

I have to get out of my bed and go to work and interact with people, and I have to pretend like everything is peachy keen.

One of my favorite things that Kimmy Schmidt has given me is the idea that "You can survive anything for 10 seconds." Some days its just a matter of taking it ten seconds at a time in order to make it through the most unbearable of days. It's a matter of realizing there is only so much that you can control, and breathing deep to release any stress or guilt about the things that you can't.


Also, Kimmy is one of the most positive, optimistic characters I've ever seen. She finds the joy in every strange, un-ideal situation. She fights her way through some impossible odds. She lets herself be down for a little while but then picks herself back up and powers onward.
 I'm trying to do that too.

So. 10 Seconds at a Time.
I'm also reminding myself that I am lucky:
I have a job
I have insurance
I have incredible friends
I have Buster
I have voice lessons
I have nice things
I have amazing co-workers
I have a car

I'm not drowning.
I'm strong.as.hell.
UNBREAKABLE
dammit!

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day
Singles Awareness Day
V-Day

Whatever you call it, it's that time of year again. The time when people seem to either pair off, or lament their singularity, or bemoan how little such a commercial day means.

For me, this year, it's somehow just a day.

I'd anticipated being emotional.

Sad, angry, nostalgic, regretful, lonely, hurt....

But I'm not.

I've been thinking about last year, this time, when I was in a relationship and the day seemed to hold significance. It felt special and good at the time. 

But on reflection, it was very one-sided. I put in a lot of thought and energy, treating someone else in a way that just wasn't ever reciprocated, really. Not that everything always needs to be 100% reciprocal in relationships- but some sort of effort from both parties should be made... don't you think?

ANYWAYS.

This year I'm taking the opportunity to just look at the 14th of February as a day to Treat myself.

Sleeping in.

Eating well.

Surrounding myself with people (and pets) whom I love.

That whats the day should be about. 

If that means being around someone you're romantically involved with, great.

But if you're not in a relationship, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the day and fill it with love for yourself and the others around you.

And just for the record- I love you guys. ♥

January Wrap Up

It's been a month of learning. I've been trying to put myself first, focus on what I need and what I want and what feels right. 

I started taking Voice Lessons from the amazing Mary Driggs. Three weeks in and I can't believe what I've been missing. I hadn't taken an actual lesson since I graduated from Weber, and even though I've been singing and working since then I didn't realize how many bad habits I've picked up. I'm working muscles that haven't been used in a while and discovering that it's easier than I thought to do what I want with my voice. So incredible. 

Also- while I'm still working on it- I've been trying to eat more fresh, real food. I've tried to up my water intake a bit- or at least maintain it.

 I've been cooking at home more often. Much more veggies. Trying to eat less carbs, less red-meat, and more chicken and fish. I've never really been a fish fan, but i'm learning to like tilapia, and I think I'm going to try and cook more with shrimp and possibly attempt to eat other kinds of fish... maybe. I don't necessarily feel like I've lost weight, but I feel better overall, which is nice.

I took some time this month to just enjoy myself as well. I've tried to surround myself with people who make me laugh, who make me feel beautiful, and who bring out the best in me. It's given me a lot of perspective on some of the ways I'd been treating myself in the past and helped me open a few windows- emotionally. I'm discovering parts of myself that I didn't know I had, treating myself to fun experiences and planning things for myself this year- and it's been an adventure. And I'm lucky to have awesome people along for the ride. 

------------

February is going to be fun. 

Ally and I have tickets for the Dancing With The Stars tour. I'm going to visit Randall in San Diego for 4 days. There's 'Mermaid' auditions, and possibly 'Lyric' auditions. 

There's a million plans and potentials that are floating in the air right now- and all of them are thrilling and terrifying and amazing.

I can't wait.

2015: My 'Hashtags'

#BeSoft2015

I will not be hard. I will not hate. I will not be bitter.

I DO still find the world to be a beautiful place. 

And I'm going to remember that, and I'm going to work on 'Softness' all year long.

Softness, kindness, patience, reflection.

Opening myself up to beauty and love.

It's also likely that I'm getting the words "Be Soft" tattooed on my wrist. 

like. soon.

very soon.

#Fancy

"I may have been born just plain white trash, but Fancy was'a'my name!"

Randall and I have decided this is also the year of "Fancy." There is something just the most fierce about this song. About a young girl who took control of her life and pulled herself up. So I'm going to be Fancy, I'm going to be fierce, I'm going to remember where I came from and how it helped me get to where I am. I'm going to aspire to be Reba and Kelly. 

#DontLetMeDown

My Life Would Suck Without You.

I have the most incredible friends.
These human beings who have become part of my life and who make me whole and better and sane.

Today was just the most rough. I was confronted with dealing with a less-than-desirable person, and had to decide the best way to handle it while also trying to calm the storm that the situation ignited inside of me. I was thrown back into a place that I thought I'd escaped from, and it was a little scary, and emotional, and painful. But, I am so incredibly lucky that the following humans were able to contribute to making my day less difficult than it would have been otherwise:

BJ W.
The last two months have been a special kind of hell for BJ and I. And while I am sorry that we've both had to experience it, I am the most grateful that this wonderful human being has been by my side through the whole thing, and that we have been able to help each other through the turmoil. BJ is honestly one of the most genuine, loving, kind, amazing people I know and I am blessed to call him my friend.

Liz L.

My work wife. The wild-child who I can vent to about anything and everything, and who has been the most supportive and loving. She'll rub my back while i cry on her desk and then lend me her phone so i can check my makeup in the camera, and then coach me through my crazy mood-swings through out the day. I'm just the most grateful we met and that we still get to work together, even if we don't work on the same team anymore.

David & Janelle

Two of the most wonderful humans who made a point today of making sure I knew I was welcome and wanted in their home, even if I wasn't ready to attend a function where undesirable humans would be in attendance. Their support and love have been felt from miles away as they've been caught in the midst of the insanity. I am forever grateful for their friendship. In fact it's one of the few good things that came out of the relationship that was.

Megan Y.

My ginger-mermaid friend who advises me and makes me better. She inspires me, sends me happy things, and indulges my rants and rages about anything and everything. Her love and encouragement are so helpful at work, and I am  glad that we are able to vent to each other and work through our red-head passions together. We are two peas in a pod and will likely run away to be mermaids in Thailand one day.

The Cast of A Christmas Carol

I know that's a huge umbrella, but I honestly am so so so glad that everyone who I get to see at rehearsal is there. Today (and most days), I am especially grateful for Casey, Nate, Mason, Kade, Erin, Geoff, and Josh, but the cast as a whole is such a delight and so wonderful to be around. There is nothing better than being surrounded by beautiful, talented, loving humans every night for a few hours. I have made such incredible friends, who don't even know how much they mean to me. This show is a family- and I'm honored to be a part of it.

Ally B.
My roommate who takes care of me so very well. She can come home to see me halfway through my second glass of wine, listen to me whine and cry about my shitty day, and ensure that I eat more before heading to rehearsal. She also is incredibly on the ball about getting household matters taken care of, which is such a blessing. Thanks to her I was able to come home to our wi-fi being up and running. I am so so so glad that we are living together again, and so grateful that we've been friends for so long. 

Missy-Moo

My seeeeeester, who I can just text and she can tell things may not be okay and promptly contribute a ridiculous vine or tidbit to make me smile. She rocks. I'm glad I get to call her mine. 

And these are just the people who were instrumental in my day today. There are so many more incredible humans who I would be totally lost without, but to list them all would take years. And for that I am grateful.

So thank you, friends. Thank you for proving that people are fundamentally good. Thank you for providing support and love. Thank you for making me laugh hard and smile wide. Thank you for crying with me, or at least allowing me to cry on your shoulder. Thank You. Thank You. THANK YOU.

My life really would suck without all of you.

Owning October

This is my time.
This is my month.

September usually treats me much better than most months. But this year.... lets just say September ended up dropping me into a new kind of hell, emotionally, and the last week or so has been harder than I could've imagined and I've been in a darker place than I ever thought I would be. I'm working on it...

SO

Yesterday, being the First of October, I decided that I was going to claim this month as my own. This is my month. I will own every moment of the next 30 days and focus on the things that will make me feel whole again. I will work on sponging away the anger and hurt and tainted memories by replacing them with art and friendship and joy. I will extract the toxicity from my life and embrace the people who truly know what love and friendship mean. I will be healthier. I will be busier. I will take (reasonable) risks and start anew. 

first step- chop off my insanely long hair:

My hair hasn't been this short since I lived in Tallahassee. It took a literal and figurative load off of me when the stylist sliced off 9 inches of dead ends. It was time. And it was a tiny outlet for some of the scary, destructive energy I've had stewing inside of me.

Yesterday I also completed my run in the "Utah Idol" karaoke contest. Last night was the Finals round, and out of the 45 people who made it to finals (not to mention the 100+ people who entered the competition) I managed to rank in the top 15 performers. It was insane. I sang "No Good Deed" from Wicked as one of my songs last night and it was the most terrifying, exhilarating, and wild feeling I've had as a performer in a really, really long time. My dad filmed it.. I'm working on getting it from him and posting it somewhere so the peeps who wanted to be there but couldn't get a chance to see it. It was ridiculous, and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to do it. I want to sing more. I want to get back into voice lessons and get better at what I love to do. 

And last, but mostly- I just got a new job!!! You are reading the writing of the newest Enrollment Counselor at WGU. I'll still be working with the Enrollment team, except now people will be setting appointments for me to talk to people and help them get enrolled in school. I will be in a full time, salaried position. With benefits. And they seemed understanding about my conflicts for Christmas Carol, and about potential conflicts for future shows. I move to that team on the 13th and I am so excited I can't stand it. 

October is my month.

I am Owning October. 

You hear me?

Owning It.

That 20-something Struggle

There are moments when I wonder if it would be easier to start over:

Clean slate.

File bankruptcy. Sell most of what I own. Quit my job.

Maybe it would be easier to start from scratch.

The difficulty is that it's usually when I'm in these throws of doubt and struggle that a glimmer of hope shines through. These glimmers of hope burn bright and hot and often cause me to ache and cry as the pressures I've been feeling momentarily lift just enough to allow me to breathe a bit. Sometimes the relief is overwhelming and sends me into panic attack mode- which is counter intuitive, but it's a thing. And then I breathe and pull myself out of it and feel better about things for maybe a grand total of 24 hours, when another seed of stress and doubt will creep in- usually in reference to that shining glimmer of hope.

During these ups and downs I usually start evaluating my life and (unhealthily) comparing myself to people I know. Trying to figure out how they manage to keep it all together. Then the 'vampires of despair' start to creep in and make me feel like garbage for needing to ask for help when there are people who are my age and who also went through college who have managed to get along just fine. I know this is bad. I know these are destructive thought processes. But that doesn't keep me from having them.

The one thing that I think is the most frustrating for me, at the moment, is the concept of affecting your own change. Not sitting around and waiting for things to get better, but actually doing something to fix your problems.

But what do you do when you've been actively trying to affect change in your own life, for weeks/months, and the things you're doing aren't achieving results? When you keep pushing and pulling and twisting at the webs you feel stuck in but you can't find a way to get out of them? I know I'm not helpless. I know things aren't hopeless. But I'm running out of ideas, and I'm running out of energy, and it's getting harder and harder to keep trying and working with no results.

Someone recently told me that everyone's 20's are awful. "Wait until you hit 30." They said. "That's when things smooth out."

Well. There are exactly 

3 years, and 4 months until I'm 30. 

Let's get there already.

Un-Equipped

I do not feel I was built to process being an adult.
Somehow over the last two years or so my anxiety has grown exponentially, and the normal every-day stressors of adult life feel massively overwhelming more often than not.

I mean. I cried at work today. Cried. Not because any one specific thing happened. But because I was tired from getting up early enough to call for a tow truck for my misbehaving vehicle, which then had to be postponed, and the thought of sitting in a desk chair for 6 hours making phone calls all day was just too much. I was telling my boyfriend how tired I was, and how much I'm hating living by myself and how I feel like the distance between me and my friends has been a result of how easy it's become for me to turn into a hermit because I live alone and have no money... and our conversation got really introspective and made me start thinking about why I'm struggling so much.... and that's when my adorable co-worker came by my desk to say hello and ask how my day was and the emotional roller-coaster that had been climbing the hill all morning took a complete 90* drop and I was suddenly crying quietly at my desk.

I hadn't even been on the clock for 15 minutes. I had to go sit outside on the balcony off the break-room to pull myself together. And this is not a new occurrence... though it was the first time it's been that bad at work.

Lately, as a reaction to the number of stressors in my life, I've been feeling exhausted, lethargic, weepy. My back has started tensing up in new places, so it now is basically a rock of knots and kinks. There is a lingering headache that floats behind my right eye, that gets worse when I start to think of my bank accounts, or my car, or my job (that I'm slowly growing to resent).  There's a sort of perpetual ache all over, one that seems to stem from right behind my sternum.

I've been inhaling my Lavender oil like it's going out of style. I've tried to up my water intake and cut back on caffeine. I am trying to list positive things every day so that I remember the good things in my life. I logged off of Facebook (three days FB sober now), because I know it is often a negative trigger for my emotions. I'm starting to feel like maybe I could really benefit from a low-dose anti-anxiety medicine, because even when I'm doing all the things I can think of to keep myself from having a breakdown, I still end up hitting some level of panic and melting down.

Maybe I'm lame for feeling like i'm not equipped. But even when I do fight through the panic and do the responsible adult-things that are needed for each situation, I still end up with tightness in my chest and a feeling of dread and I'm wishing I could go back to being a kid without any decisions more stressful than who to invite to my sleepovers.