Clean slate.
File bankruptcy. Sell most of what I own. Quit my job.
Maybe it would be easier to start from scratch.
The difficulty is that it's usually when I'm in these throws of doubt and struggle that a glimmer of hope shines through. These glimmers of hope burn bright and hot and often cause me to ache and cry as the pressures I've been feeling momentarily lift just enough to allow me to breathe a bit. Sometimes the relief is overwhelming and sends me into panic attack mode- which is counter intuitive, but it's a thing. And then I breathe and pull myself out of it and feel better about things for maybe a grand total of 24 hours, when another seed of stress and doubt will creep in- usually in reference to that shining glimmer of hope.
During these ups and downs I usually start evaluating my life and (unhealthily) comparing myself to people I know. Trying to figure out how they manage to keep it all together. Then the 'vampires of despair' start to creep in and make me feel like garbage for needing to ask for help when there are people who are my age and who also went through college who have managed to get along just fine. I know this is bad. I know these are destructive thought processes. But that doesn't keep me from having them.
The one thing that I think is the most frustrating for me, at the moment, is the concept of affecting your own change. Not sitting around and waiting for things to get better, but actually doing something to fix your problems.
But what do you do when you've been actively trying to affect change in your own life, for weeks/months, and the things you're doing aren't achieving results? When you keep pushing and pulling and twisting at the webs you feel stuck in but you can't find a way to get out of them? I know I'm not helpless. I know things aren't hopeless. But I'm running out of ideas, and I'm running out of energy, and it's getting harder and harder to keep trying and working with no results.
Someone recently told me that everyone's 20's are awful. "Wait until you hit 30." They said. "That's when things smooth out."
Well. There are exactly
3 years, and 4 months until I'm 30.
Let's get there already.
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