On: Actor Slumps

Since December I've auditioned for 7 different productions

I was called back for 6 of those

and offered roles in exactly.... 0

0 for 7.  A new record for me.

And more than a little disheartening.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that being called back is an accomplishment in itself.

And, as a friend said last night, the fact that I'm getting out there and auditioning so frequently is a big deal.

And, you know, there's all that warm fuzzy stuff about "Probably just not the right time." "Everything for a reason..."

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This is the part when the 'Vampires' start to sweep in.

(If you're unfamiliar with these Vampires, See THIS song for reference.)

Mostly they're of the Pygmy variety. 

They show up, swarming around in my brain, toying with my insecurities and screaming falsehoods.
And mostly I can swat them away and ignore them and power through.

But then, just as I start to drift off to sleep, that Vampire of Despair likes to crawl into bed with me, 

and she's a bitch.

She just snuggles right up and whispers sweet nothings about how pointless it all is. She likes to tell me I'm wasting my time, that no one will ever cast me, that its ridiculous to keep trying, that I'm never going to fit anyone's 'type' for any role. Her favorite thing to say is that if it were going to happen, it would've happened already, that I'm obviously not any good, otherwise I'd be getting hired.

... she's the worst.

SO. I just sing a little "Die, Vampire, Die", and try to take the supportive things people say to heart, and I try to prove that stupid Despair Vampire wrong.

As part of my vampire slaying tool-belt, I have some links bookmarked that I find helpful in times like these. One of them is a NY Times article from 1989 by Frank Langella, which is incredible and I highly recommend (find it HERE). 

But today it was THIS article from Backstage.com that banished some of those vampires for me. I've referred back to this piece MANY MANY MANY times, and today it did exactly what it's done before: given me perspective. Very important, that perspective. This was what hit me the most today:

"Having been at this career a while, I don't worry about these brief dips. I think it's part of being an artist. We put our very selves out there, and occasionally, the wind gets knocked out of us. Sometimes, we lose our heart for the battle.(...) But I urge you to also keep in mind another eternal, fundamental truth: More than for most people in most professions, an actor's circumstances can change on a dime, without warning, for the better. (...) What's important -- maybe even necessary for us -- is not to avoid the occasional periods of discouragement but to develop effective habits for riding these ups and downs.

Be gentle with yourselves, actors. This stuff ain't easy."

So. I'm going to try to be gentle with myself, it is my "Be Soft" year after all. I'm going to revise my resume and print some headshots and venture out into the cold, difficult arena of auditions another 7, 12, 43 more times... and I'm not going to stop just because the vampires inside my head tell me to.

Besides- if you throw enough pasta at the wall, eventually something will stick, right? Just gotta keep throwing myself out there.

Unbreakable - or - My quest to be more like Kimmy Schmidt

FIRST THINGS FIRST

If you are not watching this INCREDIBLE show on netflix, you're wasting your life.

Seriously. It's hilarious, and empowering and wonderful.

So watch it. Because that's kind of what the rest of this post refers to. 

Life has been ridiculous lately.

I go through this crazy cycle of a few incredible weeks and then just a few weeks where I'd rather be curled up in a ball in bed. It's exhausting, and I probably need to figure out why it happens that way.

But, the point is,

it happens. 

And even on those days when I feel like I can't function, I have to function. 

I have to get out of my bed and go to work and interact with people, and I have to pretend like everything is peachy keen.

One of my favorite things that Kimmy Schmidt has given me is the idea that "You can survive anything for 10 seconds." Some days its just a matter of taking it ten seconds at a time in order to make it through the most unbearable of days. It's a matter of realizing there is only so much that you can control, and breathing deep to release any stress or guilt about the things that you can't.


Also, Kimmy is one of the most positive, optimistic characters I've ever seen. She finds the joy in every strange, un-ideal situation. She fights her way through some impossible odds. She lets herself be down for a little while but then picks herself back up and powers onward.
 I'm trying to do that too.

So. 10 Seconds at a Time.
I'm also reminding myself that I am lucky:
I have a job
I have insurance
I have incredible friends
I have Buster
I have voice lessons
I have nice things
I have amazing co-workers
I have a car

I'm not drowning.
I'm strong.as.hell.
UNBREAKABLE
dammit!

Learning

I'm learning...

• ... that love is so much different than I thought it was. There was a time when I was sure I knew what love meant and how it felt and where it came from. But life has a way of breaking down your pre-conceptions and slapping you in the face with something that may shake you to your core. I'm trying to find a way to pick up the pieces of what I thought I knew, and making them fit in to what I'm coming to know. Love is confusing. Love is suprising. Love is terrifying. Love is fluid. Love is both difficult and easy. Love is a process. Love is fun and exciting and blissful. I'm learning to let it take its course in it's own way, because it's slow and thoughtful and full of it's own life, and can't be forced. 
• ... that budgeting is not my strong-suit. This isn't new knowledge, but it's become painfully obvious in the last few months. Even with my new job and it's secure, steady, reliable paycheck, I haven't been able to keep up with my bills and expenses the way I should be. I'm learning how to cut back. WAY back. I'm trying to learn how to organize my spending in a way that will help me come out on top at the end of the month, instead of scrambling to make ends meet before another month's expenses crop up. I'm trying to humble myself enough to consider making some drastic changes in my lifestyle and living situation. I've learned that while money may not buy happiness, it does buy security. And it's hard to be happy when you can't come close to feeling secure.
• ... that the life I've chosen is terrifying. It is rewarding, it is thrilling, it is full of joy and energy. But the life of an actor is also unreliable, and it is frustrating, and it is maddening. I am feeling lost, as of late; trying to decide if the choices I've made for my theatre career have been the right ones. I am watching several of my closest friends pick up their roots and move in a direction that will further their careers in one way or another. Part of the reason I'm still here has to do with the financial situations I find myself in, but I also think part of it is my fear and my inability to decide what direction my life as an actor should go. I'm learning that my motivation can't be fueled by anyone but myself, and I'm working on finding a way to kickstart that once more. 
• ... that I am not doing well living alone. I am learning that I am unmotivated when I come home to an empty apartment. Being on my own was an adventure and an experiment, and I feel like it's staring to hurt me. I walk through the door after work and I have no desire to clean or cook or exercise or (ironically) be social. When I had the motivation to come home to my puppy it felt right, it felt like home. But because my dog seems to so fiercely dislike this apartment, I've been here completely alone, and it is suffocating-ly lonely sometimes. But the solitude seems to suck me in, and I get stuck on my couch, not socializing, not inviting people over because the house is a mess, and falling into some weird lonely head-space that has an easy remedy- if I just made the effort to fix it. As much as I dread the idea of moving, I'm starting to wonder if it just might be necessary. 
• ... that maybe it's okay to not have things figured out just yet. I look around and I see people who are barely old enough to buy alcohol getting engaged and married, but I also see people who have been married and divorced before the age of 30. I see my peers who seem to be thriving and living it up on the streets of NYC and Boston and Chicago, but I also see my friends who are working mundane day jobs and living in mediocre apartments, and living on Ramen-noodles and Mac & Cheese. I see that life is too unpredictable to think that things have to be a certain way by a certain age. I ache to feel like I know what I'm doing and where I'm headed, but I'm also learning I'm not the only person who feels that way. I have hope things will all work out. I will find a path to walk on, I will not be on it alone, and it will have some sort of solid ground to stand upon- however meager it may be.

Taking Responsibility

On my computer at work I have my desktop background set up to shuffle through a folder of images with inspirational/positive quotes and images. Today as I was coming back from my break I saw that this image was currently decorating my screen, and it got me thinking.

We opened NOISES OFF tonight. It's been a month of memorizing, running around, digging deep, exhaustion, and incredibly fun, but hard, work. The last two weeks of tech and dress rehearsals have tested my stamina, my confidence, and my talent. I've never worked on a show that required so much concentration and focus while at the same time requiring excessive amounts of ease and relaxation. Comedy is HARD, it's a skill-set I wasn't given much of an opportunity to polish during college But this show... this show has put me to work.

I've always felt like I didn't have much of a choice in the matter when it came to what I was going to do with my life. I've written about this before- theatre is the only thing that makes sense to me. Its always been the dream, and though the parameters of that dream may have shifted and changed over time- I know I'll always be trying to perform in one way or another. But I don't know if I've ever thought about my need/ability to perform as a responsibility. When put into those terms it gives me new perspective on what I'm doing to further myself as a performer. Going to auditions, seeking out voice lessons or workshops, keeping fit, reading plays; these are all things that I should be doing in order to keep this gift in tip-top shape. I want to make sure I'm constantly working at myself, at my talent. It's something I'm going to try to focus on from now on.

What talents do you feel like you've been entrusted with? How are you working on them?

Die Vampire, Die.

Silly things get in my brain and sometimes its hard to control the anxiety they cause.

When I finished my degree I had plans and goals of moving out of the state within the year, hoping to escape Utah and expand my horizons as an actor. I thought maybe I'd go back to Florida, then considered LA. I wanted a change, didn't want to get stuck. And then money happened, and life happened. And I decided I should move to Salt Lake. I would be nearer to the theatre opportunities that were most worthwhile, and my closest friends all lived here. And things kept rolling. I changed day-jobs. I've been working as an actor. I'm busy. 

And I don't know what I'm doing.

I am working on my career. I am in a challenging and exciting production of a show. I haven't done a production that I wasn't paid for since graduating from college with a theatre degree. I audition for something fairly regularly, and my new goal is at least one audition a month. I know I am cast-able, and I feel like I am hitting my stride and have started to grow into myself and my 'type.' I feel like I need to gain a few more experiences as an actor in larger roles, I want the opportunity to work with bigger theatres here in the valley, try to earn a few Equity points before embarking on something larger outside the state.

 But I don't know what I'm doing. 

My two best friends are moving before the end of the year. Leaving the state and heading out to pursue bigger things. I am so proud of them both. And I'm so selfishly terrified of what I'm going to do when they're gone. I start to think maybe i'm wrong. Maybe I shouldn't wait. Maybe it's time to go and get out and be scared and challenged somewhere else. 

But there's still the money issue.

And life is still sort of kicking my ass in a lot of ways.

And the thought of letting life kick my ass too far away from a support system is terrifying.

so I don't know what I'm doing.