Learning

I'm learning...

• ... that love is so much different than I thought it was. There was a time when I was sure I knew what love meant and how it felt and where it came from. But life has a way of breaking down your pre-conceptions and slapping you in the face with something that may shake you to your core. I'm trying to find a way to pick up the pieces of what I thought I knew, and making them fit in to what I'm coming to know. Love is confusing. Love is suprising. Love is terrifying. Love is fluid. Love is both difficult and easy. Love is a process. Love is fun and exciting and blissful. I'm learning to let it take its course in it's own way, because it's slow and thoughtful and full of it's own life, and can't be forced. 
• ... that budgeting is not my strong-suit. This isn't new knowledge, but it's become painfully obvious in the last few months. Even with my new job and it's secure, steady, reliable paycheck, I haven't been able to keep up with my bills and expenses the way I should be. I'm learning how to cut back. WAY back. I'm trying to learn how to organize my spending in a way that will help me come out on top at the end of the month, instead of scrambling to make ends meet before another month's expenses crop up. I'm trying to humble myself enough to consider making some drastic changes in my lifestyle and living situation. I've learned that while money may not buy happiness, it does buy security. And it's hard to be happy when you can't come close to feeling secure.
• ... that the life I've chosen is terrifying. It is rewarding, it is thrilling, it is full of joy and energy. But the life of an actor is also unreliable, and it is frustrating, and it is maddening. I am feeling lost, as of late; trying to decide if the choices I've made for my theatre career have been the right ones. I am watching several of my closest friends pick up their roots and move in a direction that will further their careers in one way or another. Part of the reason I'm still here has to do with the financial situations I find myself in, but I also think part of it is my fear and my inability to decide what direction my life as an actor should go. I'm learning that my motivation can't be fueled by anyone but myself, and I'm working on finding a way to kickstart that once more. 
• ... that I am not doing well living alone. I am learning that I am unmotivated when I come home to an empty apartment. Being on my own was an adventure and an experiment, and I feel like it's staring to hurt me. I walk through the door after work and I have no desire to clean or cook or exercise or (ironically) be social. When I had the motivation to come home to my puppy it felt right, it felt like home. But because my dog seems to so fiercely dislike this apartment, I've been here completely alone, and it is suffocating-ly lonely sometimes. But the solitude seems to suck me in, and I get stuck on my couch, not socializing, not inviting people over because the house is a mess, and falling into some weird lonely head-space that has an easy remedy- if I just made the effort to fix it. As much as I dread the idea of moving, I'm starting to wonder if it just might be necessary. 
• ... that maybe it's okay to not have things figured out just yet. I look around and I see people who are barely old enough to buy alcohol getting engaged and married, but I also see people who have been married and divorced before the age of 30. I see my peers who seem to be thriving and living it up on the streets of NYC and Boston and Chicago, but I also see my friends who are working mundane day jobs and living in mediocre apartments, and living on Ramen-noodles and Mac & Cheese. I see that life is too unpredictable to think that things have to be a certain way by a certain age. I ache to feel like I know what I'm doing and where I'm headed, but I'm also learning I'm not the only person who feels that way. I have hope things will all work out. I will find a path to walk on, I will not be on it alone, and it will have some sort of solid ground to stand upon- however meager it may be.