The Company You Keep...

It's been an interesting few months. I've been a mess. Anxieties off the charts and disappointments abounding. But I've also been a part of a magically special production of WIT, widened my circle of friends, got a new tattoo, planned a dream vacation, and started taking steps towards gaining some sort of control over the business/monetary matters in my life.


The one thing that's really been plaguing me recently is the emotional matters in my life. The anxiety and stress and dark parts of myself have been winning out more often than not, and coping is sometimes not my strongest suit. I've realized I'm REALLY good at making terrible decisions when it comes to coping.

One thing I've pin-pointed is the fact that I crave the attention and company of people who aren't necessarily available to help me when I feel this way. While I do have VERY helpful, loving friends, it's not always prime friend time when I'm having an emotional breakdown. And in those moments, it's not always those closest to me who my brain defaults to for seeking comfort. Which is shitty. Because it's usually people who were formerly close to me, but we have since drifted apart.

And I realize drifting is a natural part of friendships. Every relationship goes through phases, and life makes it hard to see people as often as we'd like at times, while other times are more accomodating. However, there are times when you have to accept the other party is not as invested in maintaining your connection. And that's fine. Difficult. but Fine. I'm trying to learn how to only crave the company of people who also crave my company. When you're the only person who attempts to communicate, or arrange spending time together, then it's not worth it anymore.

In Merrily We Roll Along, Charlie says "Friendship is like a garden. You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. And you know what? I miss it. And I want it back."

But the thing is... if I'm the only one watering and tending and caring, I don't want it back.

Unbreakable - or - My quest to be more like Kimmy Schmidt

FIRST THINGS FIRST

If you are not watching this INCREDIBLE show on netflix, you're wasting your life.

Seriously. It's hilarious, and empowering and wonderful.

So watch it. Because that's kind of what the rest of this post refers to. 

Life has been ridiculous lately.

I go through this crazy cycle of a few incredible weeks and then just a few weeks where I'd rather be curled up in a ball in bed. It's exhausting, and I probably need to figure out why it happens that way.

But, the point is,

it happens. 

And even on those days when I feel like I can't function, I have to function. 

I have to get out of my bed and go to work and interact with people, and I have to pretend like everything is peachy keen.

One of my favorite things that Kimmy Schmidt has given me is the idea that "You can survive anything for 10 seconds." Some days its just a matter of taking it ten seconds at a time in order to make it through the most unbearable of days. It's a matter of realizing there is only so much that you can control, and breathing deep to release any stress or guilt about the things that you can't.


Also, Kimmy is one of the most positive, optimistic characters I've ever seen. She finds the joy in every strange, un-ideal situation. She fights her way through some impossible odds. She lets herself be down for a little while but then picks herself back up and powers onward.
 I'm trying to do that too.

So. 10 Seconds at a Time.
I'm also reminding myself that I am lucky:
I have a job
I have insurance
I have incredible friends
I have Buster
I have voice lessons
I have nice things
I have amazing co-workers
I have a car

I'm not drowning.
I'm strong.as.hell.
UNBREAKABLE
dammit!

January Wrap Up

It's been a month of learning. I've been trying to put myself first, focus on what I need and what I want and what feels right. 

I started taking Voice Lessons from the amazing Mary Driggs. Three weeks in and I can't believe what I've been missing. I hadn't taken an actual lesson since I graduated from Weber, and even though I've been singing and working since then I didn't realize how many bad habits I've picked up. I'm working muscles that haven't been used in a while and discovering that it's easier than I thought to do what I want with my voice. So incredible. 

Also- while I'm still working on it- I've been trying to eat more fresh, real food. I've tried to up my water intake a bit- or at least maintain it.

 I've been cooking at home more often. Much more veggies. Trying to eat less carbs, less red-meat, and more chicken and fish. I've never really been a fish fan, but i'm learning to like tilapia, and I think I'm going to try and cook more with shrimp and possibly attempt to eat other kinds of fish... maybe. I don't necessarily feel like I've lost weight, but I feel better overall, which is nice.

I took some time this month to just enjoy myself as well. I've tried to surround myself with people who make me laugh, who make me feel beautiful, and who bring out the best in me. It's given me a lot of perspective on some of the ways I'd been treating myself in the past and helped me open a few windows- emotionally. I'm discovering parts of myself that I didn't know I had, treating myself to fun experiences and planning things for myself this year- and it's been an adventure. And I'm lucky to have awesome people along for the ride. 

------------

February is going to be fun. 

Ally and I have tickets for the Dancing With The Stars tour. I'm going to visit Randall in San Diego for 4 days. There's 'Mermaid' auditions, and possibly 'Lyric' auditions. 

There's a million plans and potentials that are floating in the air right now- and all of them are thrilling and terrifying and amazing.

I can't wait.

Owning October

This is my time.
This is my month.

September usually treats me much better than most months. But this year.... lets just say September ended up dropping me into a new kind of hell, emotionally, and the last week or so has been harder than I could've imagined and I've been in a darker place than I ever thought I would be. I'm working on it...

SO

Yesterday, being the First of October, I decided that I was going to claim this month as my own. This is my month. I will own every moment of the next 30 days and focus on the things that will make me feel whole again. I will work on sponging away the anger and hurt and tainted memories by replacing them with art and friendship and joy. I will extract the toxicity from my life and embrace the people who truly know what love and friendship mean. I will be healthier. I will be busier. I will take (reasonable) risks and start anew. 

first step- chop off my insanely long hair:

My hair hasn't been this short since I lived in Tallahassee. It took a literal and figurative load off of me when the stylist sliced off 9 inches of dead ends. It was time. And it was a tiny outlet for some of the scary, destructive energy I've had stewing inside of me.

Yesterday I also completed my run in the "Utah Idol" karaoke contest. Last night was the Finals round, and out of the 45 people who made it to finals (not to mention the 100+ people who entered the competition) I managed to rank in the top 15 performers. It was insane. I sang "No Good Deed" from Wicked as one of my songs last night and it was the most terrifying, exhilarating, and wild feeling I've had as a performer in a really, really long time. My dad filmed it.. I'm working on getting it from him and posting it somewhere so the peeps who wanted to be there but couldn't get a chance to see it. It was ridiculous, and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to do it. I want to sing more. I want to get back into voice lessons and get better at what I love to do. 

And last, but mostly- I just got a new job!!! You are reading the writing of the newest Enrollment Counselor at WGU. I'll still be working with the Enrollment team, except now people will be setting appointments for me to talk to people and help them get enrolled in school. I will be in a full time, salaried position. With benefits. And they seemed understanding about my conflicts for Christmas Carol, and about potential conflicts for future shows. I move to that team on the 13th and I am so excited I can't stand it. 

October is my month.

I am Owning October. 

You hear me?

Owning It.

Learning

I'm learning...

• ... that love is so much different than I thought it was. There was a time when I was sure I knew what love meant and how it felt and where it came from. But life has a way of breaking down your pre-conceptions and slapping you in the face with something that may shake you to your core. I'm trying to find a way to pick up the pieces of what I thought I knew, and making them fit in to what I'm coming to know. Love is confusing. Love is suprising. Love is terrifying. Love is fluid. Love is both difficult and easy. Love is a process. Love is fun and exciting and blissful. I'm learning to let it take its course in it's own way, because it's slow and thoughtful and full of it's own life, and can't be forced. 
• ... that budgeting is not my strong-suit. This isn't new knowledge, but it's become painfully obvious in the last few months. Even with my new job and it's secure, steady, reliable paycheck, I haven't been able to keep up with my bills and expenses the way I should be. I'm learning how to cut back. WAY back. I'm trying to learn how to organize my spending in a way that will help me come out on top at the end of the month, instead of scrambling to make ends meet before another month's expenses crop up. I'm trying to humble myself enough to consider making some drastic changes in my lifestyle and living situation. I've learned that while money may not buy happiness, it does buy security. And it's hard to be happy when you can't come close to feeling secure.
• ... that the life I've chosen is terrifying. It is rewarding, it is thrilling, it is full of joy and energy. But the life of an actor is also unreliable, and it is frustrating, and it is maddening. I am feeling lost, as of late; trying to decide if the choices I've made for my theatre career have been the right ones. I am watching several of my closest friends pick up their roots and move in a direction that will further their careers in one way or another. Part of the reason I'm still here has to do with the financial situations I find myself in, but I also think part of it is my fear and my inability to decide what direction my life as an actor should go. I'm learning that my motivation can't be fueled by anyone but myself, and I'm working on finding a way to kickstart that once more. 
• ... that I am not doing well living alone. I am learning that I am unmotivated when I come home to an empty apartment. Being on my own was an adventure and an experiment, and I feel like it's staring to hurt me. I walk through the door after work and I have no desire to clean or cook or exercise or (ironically) be social. When I had the motivation to come home to my puppy it felt right, it felt like home. But because my dog seems to so fiercely dislike this apartment, I've been here completely alone, and it is suffocating-ly lonely sometimes. But the solitude seems to suck me in, and I get stuck on my couch, not socializing, not inviting people over because the house is a mess, and falling into some weird lonely head-space that has an easy remedy- if I just made the effort to fix it. As much as I dread the idea of moving, I'm starting to wonder if it just might be necessary. 
• ... that maybe it's okay to not have things figured out just yet. I look around and I see people who are barely old enough to buy alcohol getting engaged and married, but I also see people who have been married and divorced before the age of 30. I see my peers who seem to be thriving and living it up on the streets of NYC and Boston and Chicago, but I also see my friends who are working mundane day jobs and living in mediocre apartments, and living on Ramen-noodles and Mac & Cheese. I see that life is too unpredictable to think that things have to be a certain way by a certain age. I ache to feel like I know what I'm doing and where I'm headed, but I'm also learning I'm not the only person who feels that way. I have hope things will all work out. I will find a path to walk on, I will not be on it alone, and it will have some sort of solid ground to stand upon- however meager it may be.