It's been an interesting few months. I've been a mess. Anxieties off the charts and disappointments abounding. But I've also been a part of a magically special production of WIT, widened my circle of friends, got a new tattoo, planned a dream vacation, and started taking steps towards gaining some sort of control over the business/monetary matters in my life.
The one thing that's really been plaguing me recently is the emotional matters in my life. The anxiety and stress and dark parts of myself have been winning out more often than not, and coping is sometimes not my strongest suit. I've realized I'm REALLY good at making terrible decisions when it comes to coping.
One thing I've pin-pointed is the fact that I crave the attention and company of people who aren't necessarily available to help me when I feel this way. While I do have VERY helpful, loving friends, it's not always prime friend time when I'm having an emotional breakdown. And in those moments, it's not always those closest to me who my brain defaults to for seeking comfort. Which is shitty. Because it's usually people who were formerly close to me, but we have since drifted apart.
And I realize drifting is a natural part of friendships. Every relationship goes through phases, and life makes it hard to see people as often as we'd like at times, while other times are more accomodating. However, there are times when you have to accept the other party is not as invested in maintaining your connection. And that's fine. Difficult. but Fine. I'm trying to learn how to only crave the company of people who also crave my company. When you're the only person who attempts to communicate, or arrange spending time together, then it's not worth it anymore.
In Merrily We Roll Along, Charlie says "Friendship is like a garden. You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. And you know what? I miss it. And I want it back."
But the thing is... if I'm the only one watering and tending and caring, I don't want it back.
