The Company You Keep...

It's been an interesting few months. I've been a mess. Anxieties off the charts and disappointments abounding. But I've also been a part of a magically special production of WIT, widened my circle of friends, got a new tattoo, planned a dream vacation, and started taking steps towards gaining some sort of control over the business/monetary matters in my life.


The one thing that's really been plaguing me recently is the emotional matters in my life. The anxiety and stress and dark parts of myself have been winning out more often than not, and coping is sometimes not my strongest suit. I've realized I'm REALLY good at making terrible decisions when it comes to coping.

One thing I've pin-pointed is the fact that I crave the attention and company of people who aren't necessarily available to help me when I feel this way. While I do have VERY helpful, loving friends, it's not always prime friend time when I'm having an emotional breakdown. And in those moments, it's not always those closest to me who my brain defaults to for seeking comfort. Which is shitty. Because it's usually people who were formerly close to me, but we have since drifted apart.

And I realize drifting is a natural part of friendships. Every relationship goes through phases, and life makes it hard to see people as often as we'd like at times, while other times are more accomodating. However, there are times when you have to accept the other party is not as invested in maintaining your connection. And that's fine. Difficult. but Fine. I'm trying to learn how to only crave the company of people who also crave my company. When you're the only person who attempts to communicate, or arrange spending time together, then it's not worth it anymore.

In Merrily We Roll Along, Charlie says "Friendship is like a garden. You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. And you know what? I miss it. And I want it back."

But the thing is... if I'm the only one watering and tending and caring, I don't want it back.

Owning October

This is my time.
This is my month.

September usually treats me much better than most months. But this year.... lets just say September ended up dropping me into a new kind of hell, emotionally, and the last week or so has been harder than I could've imagined and I've been in a darker place than I ever thought I would be. I'm working on it...

SO

Yesterday, being the First of October, I decided that I was going to claim this month as my own. This is my month. I will own every moment of the next 30 days and focus on the things that will make me feel whole again. I will work on sponging away the anger and hurt and tainted memories by replacing them with art and friendship and joy. I will extract the toxicity from my life and embrace the people who truly know what love and friendship mean. I will be healthier. I will be busier. I will take (reasonable) risks and start anew. 

first step- chop off my insanely long hair:

My hair hasn't been this short since I lived in Tallahassee. It took a literal and figurative load off of me when the stylist sliced off 9 inches of dead ends. It was time. And it was a tiny outlet for some of the scary, destructive energy I've had stewing inside of me.

Yesterday I also completed my run in the "Utah Idol" karaoke contest. Last night was the Finals round, and out of the 45 people who made it to finals (not to mention the 100+ people who entered the competition) I managed to rank in the top 15 performers. It was insane. I sang "No Good Deed" from Wicked as one of my songs last night and it was the most terrifying, exhilarating, and wild feeling I've had as a performer in a really, really long time. My dad filmed it.. I'm working on getting it from him and posting it somewhere so the peeps who wanted to be there but couldn't get a chance to see it. It was ridiculous, and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to do it. I want to sing more. I want to get back into voice lessons and get better at what I love to do. 

And last, but mostly- I just got a new job!!! You are reading the writing of the newest Enrollment Counselor at WGU. I'll still be working with the Enrollment team, except now people will be setting appointments for me to talk to people and help them get enrolled in school. I will be in a full time, salaried position. With benefits. And they seemed understanding about my conflicts for Christmas Carol, and about potential conflicts for future shows. I move to that team on the 13th and I am so excited I can't stand it. 

October is my month.

I am Owning October. 

You hear me?

Owning It.

Learning

I'm learning...

• ... that love is so much different than I thought it was. There was a time when I was sure I knew what love meant and how it felt and where it came from. But life has a way of breaking down your pre-conceptions and slapping you in the face with something that may shake you to your core. I'm trying to find a way to pick up the pieces of what I thought I knew, and making them fit in to what I'm coming to know. Love is confusing. Love is suprising. Love is terrifying. Love is fluid. Love is both difficult and easy. Love is a process. Love is fun and exciting and blissful. I'm learning to let it take its course in it's own way, because it's slow and thoughtful and full of it's own life, and can't be forced. 
• ... that budgeting is not my strong-suit. This isn't new knowledge, but it's become painfully obvious in the last few months. Even with my new job and it's secure, steady, reliable paycheck, I haven't been able to keep up with my bills and expenses the way I should be. I'm learning how to cut back. WAY back. I'm trying to learn how to organize my spending in a way that will help me come out on top at the end of the month, instead of scrambling to make ends meet before another month's expenses crop up. I'm trying to humble myself enough to consider making some drastic changes in my lifestyle and living situation. I've learned that while money may not buy happiness, it does buy security. And it's hard to be happy when you can't come close to feeling secure.
• ... that the life I've chosen is terrifying. It is rewarding, it is thrilling, it is full of joy and energy. But the life of an actor is also unreliable, and it is frustrating, and it is maddening. I am feeling lost, as of late; trying to decide if the choices I've made for my theatre career have been the right ones. I am watching several of my closest friends pick up their roots and move in a direction that will further their careers in one way or another. Part of the reason I'm still here has to do with the financial situations I find myself in, but I also think part of it is my fear and my inability to decide what direction my life as an actor should go. I'm learning that my motivation can't be fueled by anyone but myself, and I'm working on finding a way to kickstart that once more. 
• ... that I am not doing well living alone. I am learning that I am unmotivated when I come home to an empty apartment. Being on my own was an adventure and an experiment, and I feel like it's staring to hurt me. I walk through the door after work and I have no desire to clean or cook or exercise or (ironically) be social. When I had the motivation to come home to my puppy it felt right, it felt like home. But because my dog seems to so fiercely dislike this apartment, I've been here completely alone, and it is suffocating-ly lonely sometimes. But the solitude seems to suck me in, and I get stuck on my couch, not socializing, not inviting people over because the house is a mess, and falling into some weird lonely head-space that has an easy remedy- if I just made the effort to fix it. As much as I dread the idea of moving, I'm starting to wonder if it just might be necessary. 
• ... that maybe it's okay to not have things figured out just yet. I look around and I see people who are barely old enough to buy alcohol getting engaged and married, but I also see people who have been married and divorced before the age of 30. I see my peers who seem to be thriving and living it up on the streets of NYC and Boston and Chicago, but I also see my friends who are working mundane day jobs and living in mediocre apartments, and living on Ramen-noodles and Mac & Cheese. I see that life is too unpredictable to think that things have to be a certain way by a certain age. I ache to feel like I know what I'm doing and where I'm headed, but I'm also learning I'm not the only person who feels that way. I have hope things will all work out. I will find a path to walk on, I will not be on it alone, and it will have some sort of solid ground to stand upon- however meager it may be.

Reminders from the Universe

I have been strapped for cash. Just.... the tightest, penny pinching-est I've ever been. So broke that I decided to try donating plasma. It was a miserable mistake. Terrible bruising, I vomited at the clinic, no fun.

At that point I decided to put out a call for extra work- housecleaning, pet walking, odd jobs- I asked my friends via FaceBook if they'd be willing to let me do some work for them in exchange for some cash. 

In return I was gifted a total of $230 dollars.

GIFTED

My incredible friends and family dipped into their wallets and bank accounts and found it in their hearts to help me get through

....so i cried....

....and it just clicked.....

When ever I start feeling like I'm losing ground, like I'm spinning out of control, like I'm making a mess of myself and my life- the Universe steps in, puts it's hand out and gives me a reminder of just how lucky I am.

REMINDERS

Generous and Selfless gifts from friends and family.

Finding out that the Terrific Trio (Mikell, Me and Sara) will all be in Orlando at the same time.

Daily expressions of affection and care from Chris

Randall securing me a comp ticket for his (brilliant) show.

John giving me $20 as a gift in order to buy a SLC Comic-Con ticket.

Getting to work on an incredible show with incredible people and loving every second.

Seeing some of my favorite humans at a callback.

So grateful. So lucky.

Spring Cleaning, pt. 2

yesterday was just... woof.

I was anxious and irritated at various situations I have no control over

and I was feeling a little disjointed and spread thin.

so i when i got home from work

and saw just how disgustingly filthy my house was

i almost cried 

but then, i decided to do something about it

and I went into

RAGE CLEAN MODE

-Four sink-fulls of dishes: WASHED
-Dusty/Dirty Floors: VACUUMED
-Laundry, including sheets and blankets: DONE
-Fridge and Freezer: CLEANED OUT
-Trash/Recylcing: EMPTIED
-Closet and Dresser: SORTED and WEEDED OUT

(I managed to fill 5 bags with clothes/accessories to take to Plato's Closet & the DI) 

Between 4:45 and 9:30pm I did all of that, plus cooked dinner/next day's lunch and re-washed those dishes.

When I finally sat down to fold laundry and catch up on my TV shows, I felt like things were back in my control and I could actually breathe and relax for real.

The only thing left to do is finish tidying and vacuuming my room, detail clean my bathroom, and swiffer mop my hard-floors- which I can do tonight after our pickup rehearsal for Noises Off.

*not my carpets*

It's bizarre how calming those vacuum lines in the carpet are.

-------

Then, today, I read this article.

7 Things I Learned from A Year Without Alcohol

and it got me thinking.

As part of my 'Spring Cleaning' crusade I've been trying to clean up the food i'm consuming.

And I think maybe that should include beverages as well.

I don't think I have near the trouble with Alcohol as the girl in the article did, but I do think I use it as a crutch sometimes- especially when I'm emotional. And it makes me wonder what things I'm missing out on or making harder for myself by enjoying adult beverages as often as I do.

So I think the plan is going to be:

Cook from home as much as possible
Avoid carbonated and heavily sugary drinks

Eat fresh fruits and veggies as often as possible

Pick one day each week to enjoy any alcoholic beverages. Just one day.

(Mine this week was Monday night)

I'm not looking for weight loss necessarily, just trying to fuel my body better and help it operate at it's full potential. 

It's going to be a good year. I can tell.

Patience is hard.

There is a girl. A woman, I guess, since she is my age. But I think of her as a girl. Who has chosen to make it her life's goal to make my boyfriend's life as difficult as possible. They were married, and things happened, and as part of their divorce settlement he has been required to pay her $300/month. This money was supposed to help her support herself as she went to school and lived on her own and started her new life. Problem being- she quit going to school, and moved back in with her parents, all the while still claiming she needed the extra money. She also told him that she couldn't care for their dogs anymore, made him take them. He worked very hard to help those sweet pups adjust to his life and home and then she changed her mind, decided she needed them more than him, and yanked the dogs back into her 'custody'. She has harassed and hounded and irritated him beyond measure for the last year. I'm sure in her mind it's revenge, she feels he owes it to her because for whatever reason she thinks she's the only one who was hurt when their marriage ended. I'm sure she thinks she's justified.

but i just want to key her car.
egg her house.
send her nasty, angry emails.
punch her in the throat.

she makes me violently angry.
I know I can't fully understand her point of view. I don't know how she felt when things ended and they divorced. I don't even know every single detail of the reasons for the divorce.

What I do know is that when a marriage doesn't work it's not the fault of one person. There are two people in a marriage, and it takes both parties to make or break it. So while she may feel like he's fully culpable, she played a part as well. And she doesn't just get to make his life miserable because her feelings were hurt.

I want to tell her to grow the hell up.
Be an adult. Move on. Find someone new.
Become a more complete, stronger individual by learning from your experiences.

I want to have the grace and patience and maturity to encourage her to grow.
to wish her health and joy and happiness

But I'd rather  make her feel as small and insignificant and childish as she's acted for the last year.

Instead I will continue to enjoy my time with this man who has made my life better, and who has shown extreme patience and self-control throughout. I will keep supporting him. We will keep having a good time and living life and enjoying the world. He's done paying her support as of today. And I'm looking forward to spending our time together free from her insanity.

Being True

I read this quote today on tumblr:

“

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming.

”

       -Rachel C. Lewis, Tell The People You Love That You Love Them 

I read this and suddenly I was feeling all these emotions in my chest. I tend to live in the 'pretending not to care' camp. I'm frequently afraid of seeming needy or clingy or annoying, for whatever reason I'm incredibly terrified that I will push people away with how intensely I feel towards them. This applies to everyone: friends, family, cast members, significant others. I'm not sure where this comes from. I do know that one of my biggest fears is being alone, really truly alone. Somehow in my mind I feel like if I appear to eager or forward about my affections towards a person that they will get scared and pull away. 

But this quote... this quote reminded me how important it is to tell people how you feel, because you never know when they wont be there anymore. Almost three years ago the world lost a beautiful shining example of this when my lovely friend Shira passed away. The day before she left our world I sent a message to one of our mutual friends and asked her to let Shira know that I love her and that I am always thinking of her. I had no idea that she'd be gone the next day, but I am forever grateful that I had the inspiration to make sure she knew that she was important to me. It made coping with her passing just a tiny bit easier. One thing that Shira always did was tell everyone around her how she felt about them. She was the most honest and true human being I've ever known. And it always seems that this time of year I get presented with a reminder of her and her sweet spirit. 

So 

I'm making a 'Shira-resolution' (since my New Years resolution has already been achieved): I'm resolving to be more open and honest and true in all of my relationships. I'm going to tell people how I feel. I'm going to stop censoring my emotions. I'm going to love as openly and freely as possible. I'm going to ensure that the most important people in my world know that they are important, that they are vital, that they are loved. I will send 'reckless' text messages. I will kiss a little too fiercely. I will hug a little too tightly. I will fight through my insecurities and fear and be as true as possible.