Anxiety Central

Just all the time.

Work makes me anxious because I have to perform well enough to keep my job, but find the balance between following up with people and respecting their lives. You also have to be polite and professional and friendly to everyone. And keep your thoughts to yourself. And follow up with EVERY student. And should I be looking to move into a new position? Am I making enough money with what I'm doing? Should I look for something else? But, If i do look for something else does that make me a bad employee for not sticking it out longer? Exhausting.

And then, because work is exhausting, I have little desire to do anything after work. But there's laundry, or dishes. Do you spend the energy to make dinner, or go out to eat? Which causes anxiety because cooking is just more work, but you really shouldn't spend the money to eat out... So you stay in and make something that's not really as satisfying as you'd like it to be, but it's food. But because you're tired you dont want to do the dishes, and then your awesome roomie does them for you and you worry about that.

There's also the constant desire to maintain friendships, which takes reaching out to people and scheduling time to get together and do something. But I'm constantly anxious about not wanting to impose on people, and negotiating schedules can get stressful. And sometimes you do make plans but really just would rather be at home but canceling would be rude. And the times you had offers on the table but you turn them down because leaving the house is just too much, but then sit at home wishing you weren't by yourself...

And when I do go out to socialize I'm always worried about Buster being left alone. Granted, he does have his Andy buddy to be with most of the time, but I still feel badly because I'm not as present and involved of a pet owner as I could be. Do I take him out on enough walks? Is he eating enough? too much? (This is why I know I could never be a human parent, being a pet parent stresses me out enough)

And then there's the dating thing. Don't even get me started on that. A whole big ball of issues and neuroses and anxiety on that front. Even still.

Pretty much the only time I'm not anxious about one thing or another is when I'm sleeping... which can't be a good thing. It's exhausting. I'm tired all the time. It's something that one should probably talk to a professional about. But, of course, the idea of that gives me even more anxiety.

Mind you, I recognize that other people deal with this on a MUCH larger level. That my low-grade anxiety is nothing compared to the crippling anxiety a lot of people deal with. But it's still something that I feel like can't be healthy. It can't be normal to feel this much stress about everything all the time. But I haven't figured out how to fight past it enough to do anything about it.

So I pretend I'm fine and try to quell that tight, nagging feeling that creeps in behind my sternum more often than I'd like. And Nap.