My Whole30 Wrap Up

I haven't written on this blog since Black Friday last year. Almost a whole year. Whoops!

I've since done 2 different productions (First Date and Rock of Ages), and I'm about to open a 3rd (Addams Family).

I've been to Mexico, Disneyland, LA, San Diego, the and Utah Shakespeare Festival.

I've transitioned to working from home.

I started dating a man who is every day making me the happiest.

And, as of today, I've completed my first Whole30.

photo cred: whole 30 creator, Melissa Hartwig
(see her IG handle above- she's kind of the fiercest)

I kind of decided on a whim to look into Whole 30. I've been trying all year to work on eating better and dropping some weight, and I did okay at the start of the summer- my part in Rock of Ages was motivating, I wanted to look good in the jumpsuits they were putting me in. But once the show opened just got a little crazy and busy and I lost focus (like always.) Then Addams Family happened. I'm playing Morticia, who wears a "dress cut down to Venezuela." (actual quote from the show.) I felt like I needed to get back on the horse to really feel comfortable in what my costume would be; I wanted to be able to focus on my performance, not my body.
That's where the Whole30 came in. My friends Karmon and Jared recommended it when I saw them about 6 weeks ago. We were talking about Morticia, and wanting to eat better and they told me about how it had worked for them. And, after some research I thought "Yeah, I can do that."

Essentially you spend Thirty days without consuming any of the following:

Grains (including rice & corn)

Dairy

Beans or Legumes (soy)

Sugar (no honey or natural sweeteners either)

Alcohol

I know, Miss Jay, I know. I love all those things too.

Just Thirty days eating only whole, complete proteins, veggies, fruits, and fats. The idea is that it's a hard reset on your body, eliminating the types of food that could potentially be contributing to fatigue, headaches, bloating, bad skin, overweight, etc. You follow those essential guidelines, while also avoiding the scale, and paying attention to those foods that are still a crutch for you.
Once you've succeeded, you add each item back into your diet slowly, to see what affects you and how. 

Today is my day 31. 

Over the last month I've been excited, annoyed, energized, frustrated, hangry, inspired, motivated, and a thousand other emotions. I've learned how to cook so many meals that are full of flavor and void of filler. I've started reading labels and discovered just how much crap is added to our food. I've learned to love coffee without sugar (though I'm dying for a Pumpkin Latte VERY soon.) I've eaten more fruit this month than I have all year. I've learned I can handle stress and anxiety without alcohol or food. I've learned I can say NO when something full of empty calories is in front of me. My skin has been clearer, I sleep better, I generally have much more sustainable energy, and my clothes fit much better.  I have survived gatherings with friends and outings to bars and birthday parties without having a drink or eating the sweets. I've learned I need to eat something every 3-4 hours or so; otherwise, I get really grumpy. I've learned how helpful it is to meal-plan, and how much time it can save in the long-run.

I've been supported by awesome people. 

My amazing boyfriend has helped me shop, cook, meal prep, read labels, and even discovered the best way to make Whole30 compliant mayo so that I could have ranch dip for my veggies.
(Did you know regular mayo has sugar in it? WHAT?)

My Addams Family cast-members have cheered me on and avoided offering me sweets so that I didn't have to say no (and even baked me treats I could save and eat now that I'm done.) 

All my friends on FB and IG and at Work were extra supportive, commenting and encouraging me to stay the course and not give up anytime my cravings started getting a little too loud.

My Mom sent me recipes I could moderate to fit the rules.

Seriously so grateful. This would have been impossible without you guys.

It's been an incredible month. I'm going to start slow with the reintroduction phase- tonight will be a sugar-free cocktail or two. This weekend I'll pick something else to add back in (probably a PSL with almond milk- hello sugar! Or just all the cheese!). And then I'll just work my way down the line. For the most part- I think i'm going to keep meal-prepping fairly close to Whole30 standards. Maybe mixing in some Paleo solutions for things like tortillas and such, and hopefully my body still likes cheese. But, having meals ready to go in the fridge has been really liberating (and saved me money since I'm not driving through places.) And I'm loving how I feel eating this way. 

Long story short (too late), I feel like even though Whole30 is over, this is kind of the start of taking better care of myself as a complete human. I'm pretty psyched to keep feeling great and finding new ways to be the best me.

Attitude of Grattitude

• Friends who have supported me all year long, keeping me going through all the crap.
• A year of struggle and challenges that have only made me better.
• Buster and how sweet and silly he always is.
• A muggle job that doesn't destroy my soul, and continues to help me support my Theatre Addiction, financially and logistically.
• Being cast in Midvale Main Street's production of "First Date." I cannot WAIT to break out my "character acting" chops and be silly and ridiculous along with a really fun cast. (INCLUDING my love, Dustin Bolt, who i have yet to do a show with. it's about damn time.)
• Getting to go to CABO in 1 month, and 19 days (not that I'm counting).
• My immediate family, for being strong and smart and caring and loving at all times. And my extended family, both sides, for proving that love is the center of everything and that we're all always there for each other.
• The opportunity I had this year to push my boundaries in a lot of ways. I ventured into some fun and weird and wild worlds, and took some fun people along for the ride, and it was so liberating and wonderful. I'm so grateful for that chance.
• Student Loan consolidation.
• Health Insurance
• Voice Lessons
• Co-Workers who make me laugh and work hard, and a manager who lets me be myself and do my job and function like a real person and not a cog in a machine. 
• "WIT". Working on that show this year was the best best best thing of all. I met the most amazing people, watched one of my favorite actors be brilliant and brave, and learned so much about humility and honesty and camaraderie. Priceless.
• Karaoke and it's power to free my soul
• An Adventurous Roommate 
• Kitchens and Refrigerators and Stoves and the ability I have to cook, however mediocre my food may be. (i mean, i like it.)
• Zaxby's and Moe's and Popeye's coming to Utah. 
• Chocolate & Pumpkin Spice everything
• Cars that get me from point A to point B. 
• Puppies
• Text Messaging and it's ability to bridge the gap between SLC and NYC and San Diego and North Carolina and Florida.
• Tattoos
• Feeling secure and safe in my neighborhood and city. 
• My ability to express my thoughts and opinions openly and without risk. 
• My education in academia and music and theater and speech. 

... to name just a few things.

I hope I'm practicing gratitude year-round, I definitely try to accentuate the positive in my life and express my thanks whenever I can. But at this time of year, when it's on every one's minds, I like taking an opportunity to once again express my thanks for the all the things I hold dear, no matter how big or small. I love seeing the things people find to be grateful for each day during this month- I'd like to hope that that attitude of gratitude can continue all year, whether outwardly and publicly, or quietly in our hearts. 

Searching for Fire

I want excitement

I want energy

I want motivation

I want light

I want sparks

I want drive

I want follow-through

I want starry nights

I want sunny days

I want adventure

I want magic

I want passion

I want fire.

I need something to ignite me. I'm currently without a project or focus or drive. Work is fine and all, but I really really need something more to really turn me on and give me purpose. We've been decorating the office for Halloween, and that's been a nice distraction, as has coming up with costume ideas and such. But I'm struggling a bit. This is the first year in several that I haven't had a fall/winter project. I'm sure the cosmos have a reason for that, but it's still really difficult for me to adjust to. And I really feel like what I'm lacking is a fire, a drive, a purpose to wake up. Every single day this week has been a struggle to get out of bed before 7:30. I think I maybe achieved it once. But nothing outside of obligation is motivating that. And it makes me sad. And I want more.

The Company You Keep...

It's been an interesting few months. I've been a mess. Anxieties off the charts and disappointments abounding. But I've also been a part of a magically special production of WIT, widened my circle of friends, got a new tattoo, planned a dream vacation, and started taking steps towards gaining some sort of control over the business/monetary matters in my life.


The one thing that's really been plaguing me recently is the emotional matters in my life. The anxiety and stress and dark parts of myself have been winning out more often than not, and coping is sometimes not my strongest suit. I've realized I'm REALLY good at making terrible decisions when it comes to coping.

One thing I've pin-pointed is the fact that I crave the attention and company of people who aren't necessarily available to help me when I feel this way. While I do have VERY helpful, loving friends, it's not always prime friend time when I'm having an emotional breakdown. And in those moments, it's not always those closest to me who my brain defaults to for seeking comfort. Which is shitty. Because it's usually people who were formerly close to me, but we have since drifted apart.

And I realize drifting is a natural part of friendships. Every relationship goes through phases, and life makes it hard to see people as often as we'd like at times, while other times are more accomodating. However, there are times when you have to accept the other party is not as invested in maintaining your connection. And that's fine. Difficult. but Fine. I'm trying to learn how to only crave the company of people who also crave my company. When you're the only person who attempts to communicate, or arrange spending time together, then it's not worth it anymore.

In Merrily We Roll Along, Charlie says "Friendship is like a garden. You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. And you know what? I miss it. And I want it back."

But the thing is... if I'm the only one watering and tending and caring, I don't want it back.

Anxiety Central

Just all the time.

Work makes me anxious because I have to perform well enough to keep my job, but find the balance between following up with people and respecting their lives. You also have to be polite and professional and friendly to everyone. And keep your thoughts to yourself. And follow up with EVERY student. And should I be looking to move into a new position? Am I making enough money with what I'm doing? Should I look for something else? But, If i do look for something else does that make me a bad employee for not sticking it out longer? Exhausting.

And then, because work is exhausting, I have little desire to do anything after work. But there's laundry, or dishes. Do you spend the energy to make dinner, or go out to eat? Which causes anxiety because cooking is just more work, but you really shouldn't spend the money to eat out... So you stay in and make something that's not really as satisfying as you'd like it to be, but it's food. But because you're tired you dont want to do the dishes, and then your awesome roomie does them for you and you worry about that.

There's also the constant desire to maintain friendships, which takes reaching out to people and scheduling time to get together and do something. But I'm constantly anxious about not wanting to impose on people, and negotiating schedules can get stressful. And sometimes you do make plans but really just would rather be at home but canceling would be rude. And the times you had offers on the table but you turn them down because leaving the house is just too much, but then sit at home wishing you weren't by yourself...

And when I do go out to socialize I'm always worried about Buster being left alone. Granted, he does have his Andy buddy to be with most of the time, but I still feel badly because I'm not as present and involved of a pet owner as I could be. Do I take him out on enough walks? Is he eating enough? too much? (This is why I know I could never be a human parent, being a pet parent stresses me out enough)

And then there's the dating thing. Don't even get me started on that. A whole big ball of issues and neuroses and anxiety on that front. Even still.

Pretty much the only time I'm not anxious about one thing or another is when I'm sleeping... which can't be a good thing. It's exhausting. I'm tired all the time. It's something that one should probably talk to a professional about. But, of course, the idea of that gives me even more anxiety.

Mind you, I recognize that other people deal with this on a MUCH larger level. That my low-grade anxiety is nothing compared to the crippling anxiety a lot of people deal with. But it's still something that I feel like can't be healthy. It can't be normal to feel this much stress about everything all the time. But I haven't figured out how to fight past it enough to do anything about it.

So I pretend I'm fine and try to quell that tight, nagging feeling that creeps in behind my sternum more often than I'd like. And Nap.

On: Actor Slumps

Since December I've auditioned for 7 different productions

I was called back for 6 of those

and offered roles in exactly.... 0

0 for 7.  A new record for me.

And more than a little disheartening.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that being called back is an accomplishment in itself.

And, as a friend said last night, the fact that I'm getting out there and auditioning so frequently is a big deal.

And, you know, there's all that warm fuzzy stuff about "Probably just not the right time." "Everything for a reason..."

blah

blah

blah

blah

blah

This is the part when the 'Vampires' start to sweep in.

(If you're unfamiliar with these Vampires, See THIS song for reference.)

Mostly they're of the Pygmy variety. 

They show up, swarming around in my brain, toying with my insecurities and screaming falsehoods.
And mostly I can swat them away and ignore them and power through.

But then, just as I start to drift off to sleep, that Vampire of Despair likes to crawl into bed with me, 

and she's a bitch.

She just snuggles right up and whispers sweet nothings about how pointless it all is. She likes to tell me I'm wasting my time, that no one will ever cast me, that its ridiculous to keep trying, that I'm never going to fit anyone's 'type' for any role. Her favorite thing to say is that if it were going to happen, it would've happened already, that I'm obviously not any good, otherwise I'd be getting hired.

... she's the worst.

SO. I just sing a little "Die, Vampire, Die", and try to take the supportive things people say to heart, and I try to prove that stupid Despair Vampire wrong.

As part of my vampire slaying tool-belt, I have some links bookmarked that I find helpful in times like these. One of them is a NY Times article from 1989 by Frank Langella, which is incredible and I highly recommend (find it HERE). 

But today it was THIS article from Backstage.com that banished some of those vampires for me. I've referred back to this piece MANY MANY MANY times, and today it did exactly what it's done before: given me perspective. Very important, that perspective. This was what hit me the most today:

"Having been at this career a while, I don't worry about these brief dips. I think it's part of being an artist. We put our very selves out there, and occasionally, the wind gets knocked out of us. Sometimes, we lose our heart for the battle.(...) But I urge you to also keep in mind another eternal, fundamental truth: More than for most people in most professions, an actor's circumstances can change on a dime, without warning, for the better. (...) What's important -- maybe even necessary for us -- is not to avoid the occasional periods of discouragement but to develop effective habits for riding these ups and downs.

Be gentle with yourselves, actors. This stuff ain't easy."

So. I'm going to try to be gentle with myself, it is my "Be Soft" year after all. I'm going to revise my resume and print some headshots and venture out into the cold, difficult arena of auditions another 7, 12, 43 more times... and I'm not going to stop just because the vampires inside my head tell me to.

Besides- if you throw enough pasta at the wall, eventually something will stick, right? Just gotta keep throwing myself out there.

Honesty

Is such a lonely word.


I've given myself a goal this week of being honest. With myself, primarily, but also with others.
Day one was hard. Admitting certain truths about myself and my emotions made for a rocky emotional ride through my day. But I think it's an important ride. I think it's one that will eventually lead to some sort of healing, or closure, or contentment or.... something different.

I can do hard things. I just have to be okay with the emotions that come along with them.

On Feeling Like an Old Maid, and why it's Bullshit

When web-searching for the definition of an "Old Maid" the most common answers went something like this:

• A woman who has passed the customary age of marriage and will likely remain single.
  or
• A woman who has passed the age of having children and being wed.
  or
• Someone unlikely to ever get married.

Most message board respondents seem to agree that you don't reach Old Maid status until you hit 40.

BUT

When you live in Utah, its REAL easy to start feeling past your prime much earlier than that.

You know, at like... 27.

This happens because all the wedding announcements on your mother's fridge are now for kids who are at least 5 years younger than you.

And because half of your friends from college are now having kids and your FB and Instagram are full of baby photos.

Also, all the single girls at work. (the majority who are your age or younger) are ALWAYS talking about this guy or that guy or "who are you dating?" 

Everyone is on the hunt, its expected that you're looking for that one person to complete your life. Its the most important subject of conversation. Always. 

So over it. I have just the hardest time with those conversations.

Because I'm not looking for "Mr. Right." 

I'm hardly even looking for a "Mr. Right-Now."

I'm floating in this phase of my life where the thought of opening myself up to something deeper than casual and easy and simple is TERRIFYING.

However, I also have these moments of longing and loneliness and heartache where I start to wonder if I'm ever going to not be terrified. Because while I'm not actively seeking him out, I do still want my Mr. Right.

I have this image of a someone, and a list of traits I'd like them to have, give or take a few because I know no one is perfect. I know there will need to be some electricity there, some fire and passion; but, also something calm and peaceful about being around them. This someone will understand my love and passion for theatre, whether or not they participate in it themselves. We'll be able to each enjoy our separate hobbies and activities and friends without needing the other around all the time, but we'll also be able to enjoy each others hobbies and activities and friends at the same time. He'll compliment my eccentricities with his own, and he'll understand when I'm having one of those days that require sweatpants and curling up in a ball. 

And I know he's gotta be out there somewhere. But I also know that in the meantime, I've got way more important things to focus on:

 The next audition coming up.

How I can spend more time with my puppy.

Going on vacation with my roommate.

Getting tickets to that concert that I absolutely can't miss.

Figuring out my health and my finances.

Trying to be a better friend.

Feeling satisfied and okay and content with myself more days than not.

Because, in the long run, he's probably working on all of these things too- in his own way. And until that whole "right place/right time" thing happens, I might as well be enjoying the things that keep me happy and sane and human.

Living in Utah, where there's this cultural need and urgency to get married and procreate, kind of makes those of us who aren't in any hurry feel a little.... old. Or lacking. Or something. And I think it's a load of crap. I may not be actively looking to tie the knot and settle down, but I am actively pursing wonderful things. I'm actively working on myself all the time. I'm trying to become a whole person, someone that doesn't need completion, but someone who would like companionship eventually. I'm actively working on loving life the way it is, accepting everything about being who I am and where I am. And in the long run, I feel like that'll make things so much easier for me and my future companion. Because really....

Unbreakable - or - My quest to be more like Kimmy Schmidt

FIRST THINGS FIRST

If you are not watching this INCREDIBLE show on netflix, you're wasting your life.

Seriously. It's hilarious, and empowering and wonderful.

So watch it. Because that's kind of what the rest of this post refers to. 

Life has been ridiculous lately.

I go through this crazy cycle of a few incredible weeks and then just a few weeks where I'd rather be curled up in a ball in bed. It's exhausting, and I probably need to figure out why it happens that way.

But, the point is,

it happens. 

And even on those days when I feel like I can't function, I have to function. 

I have to get out of my bed and go to work and interact with people, and I have to pretend like everything is peachy keen.

One of my favorite things that Kimmy Schmidt has given me is the idea that "You can survive anything for 10 seconds." Some days its just a matter of taking it ten seconds at a time in order to make it through the most unbearable of days. It's a matter of realizing there is only so much that you can control, and breathing deep to release any stress or guilt about the things that you can't.


Also, Kimmy is one of the most positive, optimistic characters I've ever seen. She finds the joy in every strange, un-ideal situation. She fights her way through some impossible odds. She lets herself be down for a little while but then picks herself back up and powers onward.
 I'm trying to do that too.

So. 10 Seconds at a Time.
I'm also reminding myself that I am lucky:
I have a job
I have insurance
I have incredible friends
I have Buster
I have voice lessons
I have nice things
I have amazing co-workers
I have a car

I'm not drowning.
I'm strong.as.hell.
UNBREAKABLE
dammit!

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day
Singles Awareness Day
V-Day

Whatever you call it, it's that time of year again. The time when people seem to either pair off, or lament their singularity, or bemoan how little such a commercial day means.

For me, this year, it's somehow just a day.

I'd anticipated being emotional.

Sad, angry, nostalgic, regretful, lonely, hurt....

But I'm not.

I've been thinking about last year, this time, when I was in a relationship and the day seemed to hold significance. It felt special and good at the time. 

But on reflection, it was very one-sided. I put in a lot of thought and energy, treating someone else in a way that just wasn't ever reciprocated, really. Not that everything always needs to be 100% reciprocal in relationships- but some sort of effort from both parties should be made... don't you think?

ANYWAYS.

This year I'm taking the opportunity to just look at the 14th of February as a day to Treat myself.

Sleeping in.

Eating well.

Surrounding myself with people (and pets) whom I love.

That whats the day should be about. 

If that means being around someone you're romantically involved with, great.

But if you're not in a relationship, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the day and fill it with love for yourself and the others around you.

And just for the record- I love you guys. ♥

January Wrap Up

It's been a month of learning. I've been trying to put myself first, focus on what I need and what I want and what feels right. 

I started taking Voice Lessons from the amazing Mary Driggs. Three weeks in and I can't believe what I've been missing. I hadn't taken an actual lesson since I graduated from Weber, and even though I've been singing and working since then I didn't realize how many bad habits I've picked up. I'm working muscles that haven't been used in a while and discovering that it's easier than I thought to do what I want with my voice. So incredible. 

Also- while I'm still working on it- I've been trying to eat more fresh, real food. I've tried to up my water intake a bit- or at least maintain it.

 I've been cooking at home more often. Much more veggies. Trying to eat less carbs, less red-meat, and more chicken and fish. I've never really been a fish fan, but i'm learning to like tilapia, and I think I'm going to try and cook more with shrimp and possibly attempt to eat other kinds of fish... maybe. I don't necessarily feel like I've lost weight, but I feel better overall, which is nice.

I took some time this month to just enjoy myself as well. I've tried to surround myself with people who make me laugh, who make me feel beautiful, and who bring out the best in me. It's given me a lot of perspective on some of the ways I'd been treating myself in the past and helped me open a few windows- emotionally. I'm discovering parts of myself that I didn't know I had, treating myself to fun experiences and planning things for myself this year- and it's been an adventure. And I'm lucky to have awesome people along for the ride. 

------------

February is going to be fun. 

Ally and I have tickets for the Dancing With The Stars tour. I'm going to visit Randall in San Diego for 4 days. There's 'Mermaid' auditions, and possibly 'Lyric' auditions. 

There's a million plans and potentials that are floating in the air right now- and all of them are thrilling and terrifying and amazing.

I can't wait.

Life is Pandemonium

Some days you feel like you're in a rut, and you have weird guilt and anxiety about nothing. You wish you were one place, and then thinking about being there makes you want to punch things. And you're tired and ache-y and restless, and you feel like you want to quit everything and move to someplace where you don't know a soul.

And then.

• Your roommate buys you the most DELICIOUS cupcake and surprises you with it mid-day
• Your 'Daily Tarot' app on your phone provides some insane insight.
• You go to the Chiropractor and laugh and talk to the people there and your body gets adjusted and aligned again.
• You get to talk with your best friend who lives in San Diego about audition pieces and theatre and your upcoming trip to visit him.
• You veg out in front of the TV being introduced to Gossip Girls while enjoying wine and stuffed peppers. 
• You are surprised by a friend with some interesting prospects that leave you feeling excited and nervous and giddy all at once.

Which just goes to show- that life can be random and unfair, but the pandemonium is what makes it oh so totally worth it.

2015: My 'Hashtags'

#BeSoft2015

I will not be hard. I will not hate. I will not be bitter.

I DO still find the world to be a beautiful place. 

And I'm going to remember that, and I'm going to work on 'Softness' all year long.

Softness, kindness, patience, reflection.

Opening myself up to beauty and love.

It's also likely that I'm getting the words "Be Soft" tattooed on my wrist. 

like. soon.

very soon.

#Fancy

"I may have been born just plain white trash, but Fancy was'a'my name!"

Randall and I have decided this is also the year of "Fancy." There is something just the most fierce about this song. About a young girl who took control of her life and pulled herself up. So I'm going to be Fancy, I'm going to be fierce, I'm going to remember where I came from and how it helped me get to where I am. I'm going to aspire to be Reba and Kelly. 

#DontLetMeDown

Christmas: A List (or lists)

Week Of:

• Saturday was Carol, 'Starcatching' with Randall @ PTC, and a birthday dinner in Ogden for Liz Smith.
• Sunday brought a lovely, quiet, holiday soiree at Lindsea & Brandon's house with delicious food, wonderful company, and "white elephant" gifts.
• Monday & Tuesday brought 4 performances of Christmas Carol in 24hrs. My cast closed the show Tuesday afternoon and that night was our full cast party. Emotional, to say the least. I loved this year. 
• Tuesday was also Girls Night Out with Shelby, Ally, and Katrina and her girls. We ate so much food at The Pie and spent the evening catching up and playing with Ingrid and Viv. So good for my soul to be around these girls. 

Christmas Eve:

• Work from 7:30-3. I use the word 'work' loosely, as I had one appointment, and about 5 actual conversations with students.
• Caroling around the office with other Enrollment Counselors
• Running home at 3 to start wrapping gifts, only to realize that I had no tape. Speeding to the 7-11 in search of scotch tape and only finding packing tape. That'll do.
• Boiling & Shredding potatoes, wrapping gifts, watching Muppets Christmas Carol, and mixing cheese sauce for the potatoes
• Throwing a bag (or 3) together to bundle Buster & I to Dad's house by 5:30
• Napping while watching 'The Grinch' and waiting for Nick to get there for dinner.
• Ham & Sausage Dip & Cheesy Potatoes
• Starry Christmas PJs and Polka-dot Slippers
• Turning off the TV & Playing games with everyone, and getting along for the most part.
• Finally watching 'Elf' for the first time. Overrated.

Christmas/Megmas:

• DVD haul and a new double shower-head from Daddy
• Coffee galore, a Supernatural Necklace AND a Little Mermaid mug from Missy Moo
• Nick LOVED his Supernatural Shot Glasses
• Dad LOVED the books I bought him
• Everyone getting a whole bunch of exactly what they wanted.
• Morning Naps 
• SNOW
• Driving to Mom's with Buster riding majestically between Dad & I with his paws on the armrests.
• New Miche shell for my purse, and a beautiful white Minky blanket from Momma.
• INTO THE WOODS for Megmas. Perfection.
• Buttered Rum Cheesecake for my birthday. Delish.
• A million texts and FB messages from the best people in the world for my birthday.
• Long, snowy drive back to SLC with dad, singing in harmony to the VoiceMale christmas CD.
• Drinking spiked hot cocoa and catching up on Supernatural before bed. 

Post-Christmas:

• Renewing my Drivers-license in less than 30 mins. Success
• Spending FAR too much money on myself, but securing several items of clothing that were needed for work.
• St. George weekend with Mom & the Kids. Napping in the car with PJ, Buster being just the sweetest road-trip dog & vacation buddy.
• More shopping, very successfully, for myself.
• Not having to go back to work until the 30th, and then getting the 1st off for New Years. 

It was a lovely, relaxing holiday week. I just need to survive New Years Eve, and then 2015 will be here and it'll be the best year yet. 

Things I do NOT miss

the holidays are an emotional mine field. these are all things i don't have to put up with anymore. and haven't had to put up with or deal with for months now, and i'm listing them so that i can remember that i'm better off in the long run.

• spending evenings sitting on uncomfortable couches watching other people play video games.
• sitting on the floor to watch movies on the hi-def/3D/surround sound system that cost more money than it was worth
• trying to fall asleep in an ice-box of a bedroom while curled up trying to stay warm
• visiting davis county more often than having visits made to SLC
• spending money on and drinking exorbitant amounts of shitty hard apple cider instead of real beer. 
• hanging out with only people who i know through someone else, and not with my own people.
• feeling badly that i want intimacy more frequently
• awkward family dinners trying be entertaining and friendly to obnoxious, spoiled, younger siblings who aren't mine
• keeping my emotional outbursts to myself because i dont want to remind anyone of their crazy ex
• swallowing my thoughts and emotions because fighting is the worst and i dont like fighting or want to potentially cause a fight

*sigh* I am strong. I am smart. I am important. I am better off.....

My Life Would Suck Without You.

I have the most incredible friends.
These human beings who have become part of my life and who make me whole and better and sane.

Today was just the most rough. I was confronted with dealing with a less-than-desirable person, and had to decide the best way to handle it while also trying to calm the storm that the situation ignited inside of me. I was thrown back into a place that I thought I'd escaped from, and it was a little scary, and emotional, and painful. But, I am so incredibly lucky that the following humans were able to contribute to making my day less difficult than it would have been otherwise:

BJ W.
The last two months have been a special kind of hell for BJ and I. And while I am sorry that we've both had to experience it, I am the most grateful that this wonderful human being has been by my side through the whole thing, and that we have been able to help each other through the turmoil. BJ is honestly one of the most genuine, loving, kind, amazing people I know and I am blessed to call him my friend.

Liz L.

My work wife. The wild-child who I can vent to about anything and everything, and who has been the most supportive and loving. She'll rub my back while i cry on her desk and then lend me her phone so i can check my makeup in the camera, and then coach me through my crazy mood-swings through out the day. I'm just the most grateful we met and that we still get to work together, even if we don't work on the same team anymore.

David & Janelle

Two of the most wonderful humans who made a point today of making sure I knew I was welcome and wanted in their home, even if I wasn't ready to attend a function where undesirable humans would be in attendance. Their support and love have been felt from miles away as they've been caught in the midst of the insanity. I am forever grateful for their friendship. In fact it's one of the few good things that came out of the relationship that was.

Megan Y.

My ginger-mermaid friend who advises me and makes me better. She inspires me, sends me happy things, and indulges my rants and rages about anything and everything. Her love and encouragement are so helpful at work, and I am  glad that we are able to vent to each other and work through our red-head passions together. We are two peas in a pod and will likely run away to be mermaids in Thailand one day.

The Cast of A Christmas Carol

I know that's a huge umbrella, but I honestly am so so so glad that everyone who I get to see at rehearsal is there. Today (and most days), I am especially grateful for Casey, Nate, Mason, Kade, Erin, Geoff, and Josh, but the cast as a whole is such a delight and so wonderful to be around. There is nothing better than being surrounded by beautiful, talented, loving humans every night for a few hours. I have made such incredible friends, who don't even know how much they mean to me. This show is a family- and I'm honored to be a part of it.

Ally B.
My roommate who takes care of me so very well. She can come home to see me halfway through my second glass of wine, listen to me whine and cry about my shitty day, and ensure that I eat more before heading to rehearsal. She also is incredibly on the ball about getting household matters taken care of, which is such a blessing. Thanks to her I was able to come home to our wi-fi being up and running. I am so so so glad that we are living together again, and so grateful that we've been friends for so long. 

Missy-Moo

My seeeeeester, who I can just text and she can tell things may not be okay and promptly contribute a ridiculous vine or tidbit to make me smile. She rocks. I'm glad I get to call her mine. 

And these are just the people who were instrumental in my day today. There are so many more incredible humans who I would be totally lost without, but to list them all would take years. And for that I am grateful.

So thank you, friends. Thank you for proving that people are fundamentally good. Thank you for providing support and love. Thank you for making me laugh hard and smile wide. Thank you for crying with me, or at least allowing me to cry on your shoulder. Thank You. Thank You. THANK YOU.

My life really would suck without all of you.

30 before 30. (or, A Bucket List with a Deadline)

You guys. In just under 60 days it will be Christmas.

Which means that in just under 60 days it will be my birthday.

27

I'm turning 27 this year. Which is just a mere 3 years from hitting the big 3-0....

THIRTY!
My 30s have never felt so close and it's more than a little bizarre.

I have heard, however, that your 30s are the time when life finally starts feeling like it makes a bit more sense.

That for whatever reason, once you're in your 30s things settle and absorb and come full circle in a really great way.

So... honestly, I'm looking forward to my 30s. Truly. I'm more than a little over these psycho, hyper-emotional, roller coaster 20s. I'm ready for things to quiet down and feel like they make even a fraction more sense.

THAT BEING SAID-

I was going through some old magazines tonight and found a bucket-list of sorts.

This writer came up with a list of 30 "Silly, naughty, daring things you secretly want to do but have no excuse to...." and decided to do them all before she turned 30. She did them all in the month leading up to her 30th birthday... so one thing every day. That seems exhausting to me. But I do love the idea of a 30 before 30 list... and since I like to plan ahead for most things... I thought I'd start putting mine together now. I took some ideas from her list, and will add my own as well... and we'll see where this goes. This goes into effect as of now. 

1. Tell Mom a Deep, Dark, Secret. pick one... there's plenty to chose from.
2. For one day, say 'Yes' to everything. at least everything that won't cost you your job/too much money.
3. Get a psychic reading. not just tarot cards... an actual palm-reading, crystal consulting psychic.
4. Have sex in a public place.  'nough said.
5. Buy an expensive dress, wear it out, return it the next day. note: find someplace fancy to wear said dress.
6. Read War and Peace, finally. and also maybe Anna Karenina , among a few other classics.
7. Throw a drink in a man's face, like in the old movies. it has to feel as liberating as it looks.
8. Chill with someone about to turn 20. this will be easy, since it will likely be my sister and her friends. 
9. Lose those last 5lbs. aka- get to the goal weight (140) and stay there.
10. Eat alone at a super classy restaurant. Some place people only take dates to.
11. Buy a pair of Designer shoes. Preferably on sale... 
12. Have a closure conversation with an unrequited love. ....this may have to wait until the last month of 29 before i feel ready for that.
13. Get a brazillian wax. because why the hell not?
14. Tell my closest friends what I love most about them. no time like the present
15. Kiss a man whose hair is longer than mine. like... really long.
16. Kiss a woman whose hair is shorter than mine. like... really short.
17. Get my finances in good order. or at least better order. ironing out the kinks on my credit before i'm 30 would be huge!
18. Write at least one letter a month. and actually mail it out!
19. Take a Pole or Silks or Strip-robics class. getting in shape can be sexy!
20. Attend religious services of faiths I'm not familiar with. if for no other reason than to feel more informed about how people worship. 
21. Dye my hair a color that is not a natural hair color shade. i'm leaning towards teal or purple... maybe i'll do both....
22. Audition for a touring company/cruise line/Disney every time the opportunity arises. explore EVERY avenue for getting the eff out of here with performing.
23. Read all the plays I own and buy at least one play a month. essentially be a good actor and know the field
24. Get back into Voice Lessons. be 100% prepared and ready to kill every audition.
25. *TO BE DETERMINED
26. *TO BE DETERMINED
27. *TO BE DETERMINED
28. *TO BE DETERMINED
29. Celebrate New Years Eve in NYC with my friends. also acceptable if carried out on the NYE immediately following my 30th birthday.
30. Float a message in a bottle out to sea. let it carry away any lingering negativity.

Owning October

This is my time.
This is my month.

September usually treats me much better than most months. But this year.... lets just say September ended up dropping me into a new kind of hell, emotionally, and the last week or so has been harder than I could've imagined and I've been in a darker place than I ever thought I would be. I'm working on it...

SO

Yesterday, being the First of October, I decided that I was going to claim this month as my own. This is my month. I will own every moment of the next 30 days and focus on the things that will make me feel whole again. I will work on sponging away the anger and hurt and tainted memories by replacing them with art and friendship and joy. I will extract the toxicity from my life and embrace the people who truly know what love and friendship mean. I will be healthier. I will be busier. I will take (reasonable) risks and start anew. 

first step- chop off my insanely long hair:

My hair hasn't been this short since I lived in Tallahassee. It took a literal and figurative load off of me when the stylist sliced off 9 inches of dead ends. It was time. And it was a tiny outlet for some of the scary, destructive energy I've had stewing inside of me.

Yesterday I also completed my run in the "Utah Idol" karaoke contest. Last night was the Finals round, and out of the 45 people who made it to finals (not to mention the 100+ people who entered the competition) I managed to rank in the top 15 performers. It was insane. I sang "No Good Deed" from Wicked as one of my songs last night and it was the most terrifying, exhilarating, and wild feeling I've had as a performer in a really, really long time. My dad filmed it.. I'm working on getting it from him and posting it somewhere so the peeps who wanted to be there but couldn't get a chance to see it. It was ridiculous, and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to do it. I want to sing more. I want to get back into voice lessons and get better at what I love to do. 

And last, but mostly- I just got a new job!!! You are reading the writing of the newest Enrollment Counselor at WGU. I'll still be working with the Enrollment team, except now people will be setting appointments for me to talk to people and help them get enrolled in school. I will be in a full time, salaried position. With benefits. And they seemed understanding about my conflicts for Christmas Carol, and about potential conflicts for future shows. I move to that team on the 13th and I am so excited I can't stand it. 

October is my month.

I am Owning October. 

You hear me?

Owning It.

That 20-something Struggle

There are moments when I wonder if it would be easier to start over:

Clean slate.

File bankruptcy. Sell most of what I own. Quit my job.

Maybe it would be easier to start from scratch.

The difficulty is that it's usually when I'm in these throws of doubt and struggle that a glimmer of hope shines through. These glimmers of hope burn bright and hot and often cause me to ache and cry as the pressures I've been feeling momentarily lift just enough to allow me to breathe a bit. Sometimes the relief is overwhelming and sends me into panic attack mode- which is counter intuitive, but it's a thing. And then I breathe and pull myself out of it and feel better about things for maybe a grand total of 24 hours, when another seed of stress and doubt will creep in- usually in reference to that shining glimmer of hope.

During these ups and downs I usually start evaluating my life and (unhealthily) comparing myself to people I know. Trying to figure out how they manage to keep it all together. Then the 'vampires of despair' start to creep in and make me feel like garbage for needing to ask for help when there are people who are my age and who also went through college who have managed to get along just fine. I know this is bad. I know these are destructive thought processes. But that doesn't keep me from having them.

The one thing that I think is the most frustrating for me, at the moment, is the concept of affecting your own change. Not sitting around and waiting for things to get better, but actually doing something to fix your problems.

But what do you do when you've been actively trying to affect change in your own life, for weeks/months, and the things you're doing aren't achieving results? When you keep pushing and pulling and twisting at the webs you feel stuck in but you can't find a way to get out of them? I know I'm not helpless. I know things aren't hopeless. But I'm running out of ideas, and I'm running out of energy, and it's getting harder and harder to keep trying and working with no results.

Someone recently told me that everyone's 20's are awful. "Wait until you hit 30." They said. "That's when things smooth out."

Well. There are exactly 

3 years, and 4 months until I'm 30. 

Let's get there already.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered.

Several weeks ago for Father's Day my siblings and I spent the day at the home of our Goertzen Grandparents. While helping my grandmother clean up the dinner dishes she told me the story of  her and my grandfather- their entire courtship was done through letters while he was over seas with the Air Force. They never actually dated. In fact, they were strictly friends- it wasnt until the end of his service out of the country that they even began discussing feelings. Their letters were never love-letters, but the day after arriving home Leonard Goertzen proposed to Nadine Buck and the rest, as they say, is history.

I feel like the written word is dying. And by written word I mean Hand-Written-Words. Everything is digitized and sent over wires and satellites and when it does end up on paper it is more often than not printed in ink by some machine.

While sorting through some papers yesterday I discovered a whole parcel of letters from the year or so after I'd graduated from high school. When my family moved back to Utah that year there were a few people who I exchanged postage with, friends who I didn't want to lose contact with. This was before Facebook took off, and though we were all on Myspace it was fun to write letters by hand and send them in the mail. There were gossipy pieces of news from my friends still at the High School. There were letters from boot-camp where a friend/flame was struggling with the rigidity of Army Life. 

And then there were the letters that my family sent to me once I'd moved to Tallahassee. Doodles and drawings and misspelled notes from my youngest siblings who were growing up in my absence. Encouraging notes and cards from my mother. A letter from my Goertzen Grandmother sending love and courage and pride from home. Letters from a very dear friend serving a mission in a foreign land. 

It was emotional, hilarious, touching to read through these hand-penned memories. I tucked them away in a scrapbook, with plans to lay them out flat and preserve them better very soon.

And then I had an Idea.

Many of my friends will shortly, if they aren't already, be living in a completely different state from me. By the end of the summer, my dearest people will be spread out around the country in various places- and while the advent of Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat have made it easier than ever to keep in touch, I want to begin writing letters. Maybe not lengthy detailed tomes, but I'd like to be able to exchange cards and notes and little friendly tokens via good old-fashioned snail-mail. 

SO- here's my plea. If you live somewhere outside of the state of Utah, and would like to be part of something fun and simple and sweet, let me know. We're likely Facebook friends, go ahead and shoot me a message with your address, and I will be delighted to include you. Besides, the more people I write to, the more people I'm likely to receive mail from in return (though it is not expected or required). Lets have some fun and remember our penmanship lessons from grade-school and possibly make some memories in the process.

:-)