Attitude of Grattitude

• Friends who have supported me all year long, keeping me going through all the crap.
• A year of struggle and challenges that have only made me better.
• Buster and how sweet and silly he always is.
• A muggle job that doesn't destroy my soul, and continues to help me support my Theatre Addiction, financially and logistically.
• Being cast in Midvale Main Street's production of "First Date." I cannot WAIT to break out my "character acting" chops and be silly and ridiculous along with a really fun cast. (INCLUDING my love, Dustin Bolt, who i have yet to do a show with. it's about damn time.)
• Getting to go to CABO in 1 month, and 19 days (not that I'm counting).
• My immediate family, for being strong and smart and caring and loving at all times. And my extended family, both sides, for proving that love is the center of everything and that we're all always there for each other.
• The opportunity I had this year to push my boundaries in a lot of ways. I ventured into some fun and weird and wild worlds, and took some fun people along for the ride, and it was so liberating and wonderful. I'm so grateful for that chance.
• Student Loan consolidation.
• Health Insurance
• Voice Lessons
• Co-Workers who make me laugh and work hard, and a manager who lets me be myself and do my job and function like a real person and not a cog in a machine. 
• "WIT". Working on that show this year was the best best best thing of all. I met the most amazing people, watched one of my favorite actors be brilliant and brave, and learned so much about humility and honesty and camaraderie. Priceless.
• Karaoke and it's power to free my soul
• An Adventurous Roommate 
• Kitchens and Refrigerators and Stoves and the ability I have to cook, however mediocre my food may be. (i mean, i like it.)
• Zaxby's and Moe's and Popeye's coming to Utah. 
• Chocolate & Pumpkin Spice everything
• Cars that get me from point A to point B. 
• Puppies
• Text Messaging and it's ability to bridge the gap between SLC and NYC and San Diego and North Carolina and Florida.
• Tattoos
• Feeling secure and safe in my neighborhood and city. 
• My ability to express my thoughts and opinions openly and without risk. 
• My education in academia and music and theater and speech. 

... to name just a few things.

I hope I'm practicing gratitude year-round, I definitely try to accentuate the positive in my life and express my thanks whenever I can. But at this time of year, when it's on every one's minds, I like taking an opportunity to once again express my thanks for the all the things I hold dear, no matter how big or small. I love seeing the things people find to be grateful for each day during this month- I'd like to hope that that attitude of gratitude can continue all year, whether outwardly and publicly, or quietly in our hearts. 

Searching for Fire

I want excitement

I want energy

I want motivation

I want light

I want sparks

I want drive

I want follow-through

I want starry nights

I want sunny days

I want adventure

I want magic

I want passion

I want fire.

I need something to ignite me. I'm currently without a project or focus or drive. Work is fine and all, but I really really need something more to really turn me on and give me purpose. We've been decorating the office for Halloween, and that's been a nice distraction, as has coming up with costume ideas and such. But I'm struggling a bit. This is the first year in several that I haven't had a fall/winter project. I'm sure the cosmos have a reason for that, but it's still really difficult for me to adjust to. And I really feel like what I'm lacking is a fire, a drive, a purpose to wake up. Every single day this week has been a struggle to get out of bed before 7:30. I think I maybe achieved it once. But nothing outside of obligation is motivating that. And it makes me sad. And I want more.

The Company You Keep...

It's been an interesting few months. I've been a mess. Anxieties off the charts and disappointments abounding. But I've also been a part of a magically special production of WIT, widened my circle of friends, got a new tattoo, planned a dream vacation, and started taking steps towards gaining some sort of control over the business/monetary matters in my life.


The one thing that's really been plaguing me recently is the emotional matters in my life. The anxiety and stress and dark parts of myself have been winning out more often than not, and coping is sometimes not my strongest suit. I've realized I'm REALLY good at making terrible decisions when it comes to coping.

One thing I've pin-pointed is the fact that I crave the attention and company of people who aren't necessarily available to help me when I feel this way. While I do have VERY helpful, loving friends, it's not always prime friend time when I'm having an emotional breakdown. And in those moments, it's not always those closest to me who my brain defaults to for seeking comfort. Which is shitty. Because it's usually people who were formerly close to me, but we have since drifted apart.

And I realize drifting is a natural part of friendships. Every relationship goes through phases, and life makes it hard to see people as often as we'd like at times, while other times are more accomodating. However, there are times when you have to accept the other party is not as invested in maintaining your connection. And that's fine. Difficult. but Fine. I'm trying to learn how to only crave the company of people who also crave my company. When you're the only person who attempts to communicate, or arrange spending time together, then it's not worth it anymore.

In Merrily We Roll Along, Charlie says "Friendship is like a garden. You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. And you know what? I miss it. And I want it back."

But the thing is... if I'm the only one watering and tending and caring, I don't want it back.

Anxiety Central

Just all the time.

Work makes me anxious because I have to perform well enough to keep my job, but find the balance between following up with people and respecting their lives. You also have to be polite and professional and friendly to everyone. And keep your thoughts to yourself. And follow up with EVERY student. And should I be looking to move into a new position? Am I making enough money with what I'm doing? Should I look for something else? But, If i do look for something else does that make me a bad employee for not sticking it out longer? Exhausting.

And then, because work is exhausting, I have little desire to do anything after work. But there's laundry, or dishes. Do you spend the energy to make dinner, or go out to eat? Which causes anxiety because cooking is just more work, but you really shouldn't spend the money to eat out... So you stay in and make something that's not really as satisfying as you'd like it to be, but it's food. But because you're tired you dont want to do the dishes, and then your awesome roomie does them for you and you worry about that.

There's also the constant desire to maintain friendships, which takes reaching out to people and scheduling time to get together and do something. But I'm constantly anxious about not wanting to impose on people, and negotiating schedules can get stressful. And sometimes you do make plans but really just would rather be at home but canceling would be rude. And the times you had offers on the table but you turn them down because leaving the house is just too much, but then sit at home wishing you weren't by yourself...

And when I do go out to socialize I'm always worried about Buster being left alone. Granted, he does have his Andy buddy to be with most of the time, but I still feel badly because I'm not as present and involved of a pet owner as I could be. Do I take him out on enough walks? Is he eating enough? too much? (This is why I know I could never be a human parent, being a pet parent stresses me out enough)

And then there's the dating thing. Don't even get me started on that. A whole big ball of issues and neuroses and anxiety on that front. Even still.

Pretty much the only time I'm not anxious about one thing or another is when I'm sleeping... which can't be a good thing. It's exhausting. I'm tired all the time. It's something that one should probably talk to a professional about. But, of course, the idea of that gives me even more anxiety.

Mind you, I recognize that other people deal with this on a MUCH larger level. That my low-grade anxiety is nothing compared to the crippling anxiety a lot of people deal with. But it's still something that I feel like can't be healthy. It can't be normal to feel this much stress about everything all the time. But I haven't figured out how to fight past it enough to do anything about it.

So I pretend I'm fine and try to quell that tight, nagging feeling that creeps in behind my sternum more often than I'd like. And Nap.

On: Actor Slumps

Since December I've auditioned for 7 different productions

I was called back for 6 of those

and offered roles in exactly.... 0

0 for 7.  A new record for me.

And more than a little disheartening.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that being called back is an accomplishment in itself.

And, as a friend said last night, the fact that I'm getting out there and auditioning so frequently is a big deal.

And, you know, there's all that warm fuzzy stuff about "Probably just not the right time." "Everything for a reason..."

blah

blah

blah

blah

blah

This is the part when the 'Vampires' start to sweep in.

(If you're unfamiliar with these Vampires, See THIS song for reference.)

Mostly they're of the Pygmy variety. 

They show up, swarming around in my brain, toying with my insecurities and screaming falsehoods.
And mostly I can swat them away and ignore them and power through.

But then, just as I start to drift off to sleep, that Vampire of Despair likes to crawl into bed with me, 

and she's a bitch.

She just snuggles right up and whispers sweet nothings about how pointless it all is. She likes to tell me I'm wasting my time, that no one will ever cast me, that its ridiculous to keep trying, that I'm never going to fit anyone's 'type' for any role. Her favorite thing to say is that if it were going to happen, it would've happened already, that I'm obviously not any good, otherwise I'd be getting hired.

... she's the worst.

SO. I just sing a little "Die, Vampire, Die", and try to take the supportive things people say to heart, and I try to prove that stupid Despair Vampire wrong.

As part of my vampire slaying tool-belt, I have some links bookmarked that I find helpful in times like these. One of them is a NY Times article from 1989 by Frank Langella, which is incredible and I highly recommend (find it HERE). 

But today it was THIS article from Backstage.com that banished some of those vampires for me. I've referred back to this piece MANY MANY MANY times, and today it did exactly what it's done before: given me perspective. Very important, that perspective. This was what hit me the most today:

"Having been at this career a while, I don't worry about these brief dips. I think it's part of being an artist. We put our very selves out there, and occasionally, the wind gets knocked out of us. Sometimes, we lose our heart for the battle.(...) But I urge you to also keep in mind another eternal, fundamental truth: More than for most people in most professions, an actor's circumstances can change on a dime, without warning, for the better. (...) What's important -- maybe even necessary for us -- is not to avoid the occasional periods of discouragement but to develop effective habits for riding these ups and downs.

Be gentle with yourselves, actors. This stuff ain't easy."

So. I'm going to try to be gentle with myself, it is my "Be Soft" year after all. I'm going to revise my resume and print some headshots and venture out into the cold, difficult arena of auditions another 7, 12, 43 more times... and I'm not going to stop just because the vampires inside my head tell me to.

Besides- if you throw enough pasta at the wall, eventually something will stick, right? Just gotta keep throwing myself out there.

Honesty

Is such a lonely word.


I've given myself a goal this week of being honest. With myself, primarily, but also with others.
Day one was hard. Admitting certain truths about myself and my emotions made for a rocky emotional ride through my day. But I think it's an important ride. I think it's one that will eventually lead to some sort of healing, or closure, or contentment or.... something different.

I can do hard things. I just have to be okay with the emotions that come along with them.

On Feeling Like an Old Maid, and why it's Bullshit

When web-searching for the definition of an "Old Maid" the most common answers went something like this:

• A woman who has passed the customary age of marriage and will likely remain single.
  or
• A woman who has passed the age of having children and being wed.
  or
• Someone unlikely to ever get married.

Most message board respondents seem to agree that you don't reach Old Maid status until you hit 40.

BUT

When you live in Utah, its REAL easy to start feeling past your prime much earlier than that.

You know, at like... 27.

This happens because all the wedding announcements on your mother's fridge are now for kids who are at least 5 years younger than you.

And because half of your friends from college are now having kids and your FB and Instagram are full of baby photos.

Also, all the single girls at work. (the majority who are your age or younger) are ALWAYS talking about this guy or that guy or "who are you dating?" 

Everyone is on the hunt, its expected that you're looking for that one person to complete your life. Its the most important subject of conversation. Always. 

So over it. I have just the hardest time with those conversations.

Because I'm not looking for "Mr. Right." 

I'm hardly even looking for a "Mr. Right-Now."

I'm floating in this phase of my life where the thought of opening myself up to something deeper than casual and easy and simple is TERRIFYING.

However, I also have these moments of longing and loneliness and heartache where I start to wonder if I'm ever going to not be terrified. Because while I'm not actively seeking him out, I do still want my Mr. Right.

I have this image of a someone, and a list of traits I'd like them to have, give or take a few because I know no one is perfect. I know there will need to be some electricity there, some fire and passion; but, also something calm and peaceful about being around them. This someone will understand my love and passion for theatre, whether or not they participate in it themselves. We'll be able to each enjoy our separate hobbies and activities and friends without needing the other around all the time, but we'll also be able to enjoy each others hobbies and activities and friends at the same time. He'll compliment my eccentricities with his own, and he'll understand when I'm having one of those days that require sweatpants and curling up in a ball. 

And I know he's gotta be out there somewhere. But I also know that in the meantime, I've got way more important things to focus on:

 The next audition coming up.

How I can spend more time with my puppy.

Going on vacation with my roommate.

Getting tickets to that concert that I absolutely can't miss.

Figuring out my health and my finances.

Trying to be a better friend.

Feeling satisfied and okay and content with myself more days than not.

Because, in the long run, he's probably working on all of these things too- in his own way. And until that whole "right place/right time" thing happens, I might as well be enjoying the things that keep me happy and sane and human.

Living in Utah, where there's this cultural need and urgency to get married and procreate, kind of makes those of us who aren't in any hurry feel a little.... old. Or lacking. Or something. And I think it's a load of crap. I may not be actively looking to tie the knot and settle down, but I am actively pursing wonderful things. I'm actively working on myself all the time. I'm trying to become a whole person, someone that doesn't need completion, but someone who would like companionship eventually. I'm actively working on loving life the way it is, accepting everything about being who I am and where I am. And in the long run, I feel like that'll make things so much easier for me and my future companion. Because really....

Unbreakable - or - My quest to be more like Kimmy Schmidt

FIRST THINGS FIRST

If you are not watching this INCREDIBLE show on netflix, you're wasting your life.

Seriously. It's hilarious, and empowering and wonderful.

So watch it. Because that's kind of what the rest of this post refers to. 

Life has been ridiculous lately.

I go through this crazy cycle of a few incredible weeks and then just a few weeks where I'd rather be curled up in a ball in bed. It's exhausting, and I probably need to figure out why it happens that way.

But, the point is,

it happens. 

And even on those days when I feel like I can't function, I have to function. 

I have to get out of my bed and go to work and interact with people, and I have to pretend like everything is peachy keen.

One of my favorite things that Kimmy Schmidt has given me is the idea that "You can survive anything for 10 seconds." Some days its just a matter of taking it ten seconds at a time in order to make it through the most unbearable of days. It's a matter of realizing there is only so much that you can control, and breathing deep to release any stress or guilt about the things that you can't.


Also, Kimmy is one of the most positive, optimistic characters I've ever seen. She finds the joy in every strange, un-ideal situation. She fights her way through some impossible odds. She lets herself be down for a little while but then picks herself back up and powers onward.
 I'm trying to do that too.

So. 10 Seconds at a Time.
I'm also reminding myself that I am lucky:
I have a job
I have insurance
I have incredible friends
I have Buster
I have voice lessons
I have nice things
I have amazing co-workers
I have a car

I'm not drowning.
I'm strong.as.hell.
UNBREAKABLE
dammit!

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day
Singles Awareness Day
V-Day

Whatever you call it, it's that time of year again. The time when people seem to either pair off, or lament their singularity, or bemoan how little such a commercial day means.

For me, this year, it's somehow just a day.

I'd anticipated being emotional.

Sad, angry, nostalgic, regretful, lonely, hurt....

But I'm not.

I've been thinking about last year, this time, when I was in a relationship and the day seemed to hold significance. It felt special and good at the time. 

But on reflection, it was very one-sided. I put in a lot of thought and energy, treating someone else in a way that just wasn't ever reciprocated, really. Not that everything always needs to be 100% reciprocal in relationships- but some sort of effort from both parties should be made... don't you think?

ANYWAYS.

This year I'm taking the opportunity to just look at the 14th of February as a day to Treat myself.

Sleeping in.

Eating well.

Surrounding myself with people (and pets) whom I love.

That whats the day should be about. 

If that means being around someone you're romantically involved with, great.

But if you're not in a relationship, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the day and fill it with love for yourself and the others around you.

And just for the record- I love you guys. ♥

January Wrap Up

It's been a month of learning. I've been trying to put myself first, focus on what I need and what I want and what feels right. 

I started taking Voice Lessons from the amazing Mary Driggs. Three weeks in and I can't believe what I've been missing. I hadn't taken an actual lesson since I graduated from Weber, and even though I've been singing and working since then I didn't realize how many bad habits I've picked up. I'm working muscles that haven't been used in a while and discovering that it's easier than I thought to do what I want with my voice. So incredible. 

Also- while I'm still working on it- I've been trying to eat more fresh, real food. I've tried to up my water intake a bit- or at least maintain it.

 I've been cooking at home more often. Much more veggies. Trying to eat less carbs, less red-meat, and more chicken and fish. I've never really been a fish fan, but i'm learning to like tilapia, and I think I'm going to try and cook more with shrimp and possibly attempt to eat other kinds of fish... maybe. I don't necessarily feel like I've lost weight, but I feel better overall, which is nice.

I took some time this month to just enjoy myself as well. I've tried to surround myself with people who make me laugh, who make me feel beautiful, and who bring out the best in me. It's given me a lot of perspective on some of the ways I'd been treating myself in the past and helped me open a few windows- emotionally. I'm discovering parts of myself that I didn't know I had, treating myself to fun experiences and planning things for myself this year- and it's been an adventure. And I'm lucky to have awesome people along for the ride. 

------------

February is going to be fun. 

Ally and I have tickets for the Dancing With The Stars tour. I'm going to visit Randall in San Diego for 4 days. There's 'Mermaid' auditions, and possibly 'Lyric' auditions. 

There's a million plans and potentials that are floating in the air right now- and all of them are thrilling and terrifying and amazing.

I can't wait.

Life is Pandemonium

Some days you feel like you're in a rut, and you have weird guilt and anxiety about nothing. You wish you were one place, and then thinking about being there makes you want to punch things. And you're tired and ache-y and restless, and you feel like you want to quit everything and move to someplace where you don't know a soul.

And then.

• Your roommate buys you the most DELICIOUS cupcake and surprises you with it mid-day
• Your 'Daily Tarot' app on your phone provides some insane insight.
• You go to the Chiropractor and laugh and talk to the people there and your body gets adjusted and aligned again.
• You get to talk with your best friend who lives in San Diego about audition pieces and theatre and your upcoming trip to visit him.
• You veg out in front of the TV being introduced to Gossip Girls while enjoying wine and stuffed peppers. 
• You are surprised by a friend with some interesting prospects that leave you feeling excited and nervous and giddy all at once.

Which just goes to show- that life can be random and unfair, but the pandemonium is what makes it oh so totally worth it.

2015: My 'Hashtags'

#BeSoft2015

I will not be hard. I will not hate. I will not be bitter.

I DO still find the world to be a beautiful place. 

And I'm going to remember that, and I'm going to work on 'Softness' all year long.

Softness, kindness, patience, reflection.

Opening myself up to beauty and love.

It's also likely that I'm getting the words "Be Soft" tattooed on my wrist. 

like. soon.

very soon.

#Fancy

"I may have been born just plain white trash, but Fancy was'a'my name!"

Randall and I have decided this is also the year of "Fancy." There is something just the most fierce about this song. About a young girl who took control of her life and pulled herself up. So I'm going to be Fancy, I'm going to be fierce, I'm going to remember where I came from and how it helped me get to where I am. I'm going to aspire to be Reba and Kelly. 

#DontLetMeDown