Searching for Fire

I want excitement

I want energy

I want motivation

I want light

I want sparks

I want drive

I want follow-through

I want starry nights

I want sunny days

I want adventure

I want magic

I want passion

I want fire.

I need something to ignite me. I'm currently without a project or focus or drive. Work is fine and all, but I really really need something more to really turn me on and give me purpose. We've been decorating the office for Halloween, and that's been a nice distraction, as has coming up with costume ideas and such. But I'm struggling a bit. This is the first year in several that I haven't had a fall/winter project. I'm sure the cosmos have a reason for that, but it's still really difficult for me to adjust to. And I really feel like what I'm lacking is a fire, a drive, a purpose to wake up. Every single day this week has been a struggle to get out of bed before 7:30. I think I maybe achieved it once. But nothing outside of obligation is motivating that. And it makes me sad. And I want more.

The Company You Keep...

It's been an interesting few months. I've been a mess. Anxieties off the charts and disappointments abounding. But I've also been a part of a magically special production of WIT, widened my circle of friends, got a new tattoo, planned a dream vacation, and started taking steps towards gaining some sort of control over the business/monetary matters in my life.


The one thing that's really been plaguing me recently is the emotional matters in my life. The anxiety and stress and dark parts of myself have been winning out more often than not, and coping is sometimes not my strongest suit. I've realized I'm REALLY good at making terrible decisions when it comes to coping.

One thing I've pin-pointed is the fact that I crave the attention and company of people who aren't necessarily available to help me when I feel this way. While I do have VERY helpful, loving friends, it's not always prime friend time when I'm having an emotional breakdown. And in those moments, it's not always those closest to me who my brain defaults to for seeking comfort. Which is shitty. Because it's usually people who were formerly close to me, but we have since drifted apart.

And I realize drifting is a natural part of friendships. Every relationship goes through phases, and life makes it hard to see people as often as we'd like at times, while other times are more accomodating. However, there are times when you have to accept the other party is not as invested in maintaining your connection. And that's fine. Difficult. but Fine. I'm trying to learn how to only crave the company of people who also crave my company. When you're the only person who attempts to communicate, or arrange spending time together, then it's not worth it anymore.

In Merrily We Roll Along, Charlie says "Friendship is like a garden. You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. And you know what? I miss it. And I want it back."

But the thing is... if I'm the only one watering and tending and caring, I don't want it back.

Anxiety Central

Just all the time.

Work makes me anxious because I have to perform well enough to keep my job, but find the balance between following up with people and respecting their lives. You also have to be polite and professional and friendly to everyone. And keep your thoughts to yourself. And follow up with EVERY student. And should I be looking to move into a new position? Am I making enough money with what I'm doing? Should I look for something else? But, If i do look for something else does that make me a bad employee for not sticking it out longer? Exhausting.

And then, because work is exhausting, I have little desire to do anything after work. But there's laundry, or dishes. Do you spend the energy to make dinner, or go out to eat? Which causes anxiety because cooking is just more work, but you really shouldn't spend the money to eat out... So you stay in and make something that's not really as satisfying as you'd like it to be, but it's food. But because you're tired you dont want to do the dishes, and then your awesome roomie does them for you and you worry about that.

There's also the constant desire to maintain friendships, which takes reaching out to people and scheduling time to get together and do something. But I'm constantly anxious about not wanting to impose on people, and negotiating schedules can get stressful. And sometimes you do make plans but really just would rather be at home but canceling would be rude. And the times you had offers on the table but you turn them down because leaving the house is just too much, but then sit at home wishing you weren't by yourself...

And when I do go out to socialize I'm always worried about Buster being left alone. Granted, he does have his Andy buddy to be with most of the time, but I still feel badly because I'm not as present and involved of a pet owner as I could be. Do I take him out on enough walks? Is he eating enough? too much? (This is why I know I could never be a human parent, being a pet parent stresses me out enough)

And then there's the dating thing. Don't even get me started on that. A whole big ball of issues and neuroses and anxiety on that front. Even still.

Pretty much the only time I'm not anxious about one thing or another is when I'm sleeping... which can't be a good thing. It's exhausting. I'm tired all the time. It's something that one should probably talk to a professional about. But, of course, the idea of that gives me even more anxiety.

Mind you, I recognize that other people deal with this on a MUCH larger level. That my low-grade anxiety is nothing compared to the crippling anxiety a lot of people deal with. But it's still something that I feel like can't be healthy. It can't be normal to feel this much stress about everything all the time. But I haven't figured out how to fight past it enough to do anything about it.

So I pretend I'm fine and try to quell that tight, nagging feeling that creeps in behind my sternum more often than I'd like. And Nap.

On: Actor Slumps

Since December I've auditioned for 7 different productions

I was called back for 6 of those

and offered roles in exactly.... 0

0 for 7.  A new record for me.

And more than a little disheartening.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that being called back is an accomplishment in itself.

And, as a friend said last night, the fact that I'm getting out there and auditioning so frequently is a big deal.

And, you know, there's all that warm fuzzy stuff about "Probably just not the right time." "Everything for a reason..."

blah

blah

blah

blah

blah

This is the part when the 'Vampires' start to sweep in.

(If you're unfamiliar with these Vampires, See THIS song for reference.)

Mostly they're of the Pygmy variety. 

They show up, swarming around in my brain, toying with my insecurities and screaming falsehoods.
And mostly I can swat them away and ignore them and power through.

But then, just as I start to drift off to sleep, that Vampire of Despair likes to crawl into bed with me, 

and she's a bitch.

She just snuggles right up and whispers sweet nothings about how pointless it all is. She likes to tell me I'm wasting my time, that no one will ever cast me, that its ridiculous to keep trying, that I'm never going to fit anyone's 'type' for any role. Her favorite thing to say is that if it were going to happen, it would've happened already, that I'm obviously not any good, otherwise I'd be getting hired.

... she's the worst.

SO. I just sing a little "Die, Vampire, Die", and try to take the supportive things people say to heart, and I try to prove that stupid Despair Vampire wrong.

As part of my vampire slaying tool-belt, I have some links bookmarked that I find helpful in times like these. One of them is a NY Times article from 1989 by Frank Langella, which is incredible and I highly recommend (find it HERE). 

But today it was THIS article from Backstage.com that banished some of those vampires for me. I've referred back to this piece MANY MANY MANY times, and today it did exactly what it's done before: given me perspective. Very important, that perspective. This was what hit me the most today:

"Having been at this career a while, I don't worry about these brief dips. I think it's part of being an artist. We put our very selves out there, and occasionally, the wind gets knocked out of us. Sometimes, we lose our heart for the battle.(...) But I urge you to also keep in mind another eternal, fundamental truth: More than for most people in most professions, an actor's circumstances can change on a dime, without warning, for the better. (...) What's important -- maybe even necessary for us -- is not to avoid the occasional periods of discouragement but to develop effective habits for riding these ups and downs.

Be gentle with yourselves, actors. This stuff ain't easy."

So. I'm going to try to be gentle with myself, it is my "Be Soft" year after all. I'm going to revise my resume and print some headshots and venture out into the cold, difficult arena of auditions another 7, 12, 43 more times... and I'm not going to stop just because the vampires inside my head tell me to.

Besides- if you throw enough pasta at the wall, eventually something will stick, right? Just gotta keep throwing myself out there.

Honesty

Is such a lonely word.


I've given myself a goal this week of being honest. With myself, primarily, but also with others.
Day one was hard. Admitting certain truths about myself and my emotions made for a rocky emotional ride through my day. But I think it's an important ride. I think it's one that will eventually lead to some sort of healing, or closure, or contentment or.... something different.

I can do hard things. I just have to be okay with the emotions that come along with them.