Christmas: A List (or lists)

Week Of:

• Saturday was Carol, 'Starcatching' with Randall @ PTC, and a birthday dinner in Ogden for Liz Smith.
• Sunday brought a lovely, quiet, holiday soiree at Lindsea & Brandon's house with delicious food, wonderful company, and "white elephant" gifts.
• Monday & Tuesday brought 4 performances of Christmas Carol in 24hrs. My cast closed the show Tuesday afternoon and that night was our full cast party. Emotional, to say the least. I loved this year. 
• Tuesday was also Girls Night Out with Shelby, Ally, and Katrina and her girls. We ate so much food at The Pie and spent the evening catching up and playing with Ingrid and Viv. So good for my soul to be around these girls. 

Christmas Eve:

• Work from 7:30-3. I use the word 'work' loosely, as I had one appointment, and about 5 actual conversations with students.
• Caroling around the office with other Enrollment Counselors
• Running home at 3 to start wrapping gifts, only to realize that I had no tape. Speeding to the 7-11 in search of scotch tape and only finding packing tape. That'll do.
• Boiling & Shredding potatoes, wrapping gifts, watching Muppets Christmas Carol, and mixing cheese sauce for the potatoes
• Throwing a bag (or 3) together to bundle Buster & I to Dad's house by 5:30
• Napping while watching 'The Grinch' and waiting for Nick to get there for dinner.
• Ham & Sausage Dip & Cheesy Potatoes
• Starry Christmas PJs and Polka-dot Slippers
• Turning off the TV & Playing games with everyone, and getting along for the most part.
• Finally watching 'Elf' for the first time. Overrated.

Christmas/Megmas:

• DVD haul and a new double shower-head from Daddy
• Coffee galore, a Supernatural Necklace AND a Little Mermaid mug from Missy Moo
• Nick LOVED his Supernatural Shot Glasses
• Dad LOVED the books I bought him
• Everyone getting a whole bunch of exactly what they wanted.
• Morning Naps 
• SNOW
• Driving to Mom's with Buster riding majestically between Dad & I with his paws on the armrests.
• New Miche shell for my purse, and a beautiful white Minky blanket from Momma.
• INTO THE WOODS for Megmas. Perfection.
• Buttered Rum Cheesecake for my birthday. Delish.
• A million texts and FB messages from the best people in the world for my birthday.
• Long, snowy drive back to SLC with dad, singing in harmony to the VoiceMale christmas CD.
• Drinking spiked hot cocoa and catching up on Supernatural before bed. 

Post-Christmas:

• Renewing my Drivers-license in less than 30 mins. Success
• Spending FAR too much money on myself, but securing several items of clothing that were needed for work.
• St. George weekend with Mom & the Kids. Napping in the car with PJ, Buster being just the sweetest road-trip dog & vacation buddy.
• More shopping, very successfully, for myself.
• Not having to go back to work until the 30th, and then getting the 1st off for New Years. 

It was a lovely, relaxing holiday week. I just need to survive New Years Eve, and then 2015 will be here and it'll be the best year yet. 

Things I do NOT miss

the holidays are an emotional mine field. these are all things i don't have to put up with anymore. and haven't had to put up with or deal with for months now, and i'm listing them so that i can remember that i'm better off in the long run.

• spending evenings sitting on uncomfortable couches watching other people play video games.
• sitting on the floor to watch movies on the hi-def/3D/surround sound system that cost more money than it was worth
• trying to fall asleep in an ice-box of a bedroom while curled up trying to stay warm
• visiting davis county more often than having visits made to SLC
• spending money on and drinking exorbitant amounts of shitty hard apple cider instead of real beer. 
• hanging out with only people who i know through someone else, and not with my own people.
• feeling badly that i want intimacy more frequently
• awkward family dinners trying be entertaining and friendly to obnoxious, spoiled, younger siblings who aren't mine
• keeping my emotional outbursts to myself because i dont want to remind anyone of their crazy ex
• swallowing my thoughts and emotions because fighting is the worst and i dont like fighting or want to potentially cause a fight

*sigh* I am strong. I am smart. I am important. I am better off.....

My Life Would Suck Without You.

I have the most incredible friends.
These human beings who have become part of my life and who make me whole and better and sane.

Today was just the most rough. I was confronted with dealing with a less-than-desirable person, and had to decide the best way to handle it while also trying to calm the storm that the situation ignited inside of me. I was thrown back into a place that I thought I'd escaped from, and it was a little scary, and emotional, and painful. But, I am so incredibly lucky that the following humans were able to contribute to making my day less difficult than it would have been otherwise:

BJ W.
The last two months have been a special kind of hell for BJ and I. And while I am sorry that we've both had to experience it, I am the most grateful that this wonderful human being has been by my side through the whole thing, and that we have been able to help each other through the turmoil. BJ is honestly one of the most genuine, loving, kind, amazing people I know and I am blessed to call him my friend.

Liz L.

My work wife. The wild-child who I can vent to about anything and everything, and who has been the most supportive and loving. She'll rub my back while i cry on her desk and then lend me her phone so i can check my makeup in the camera, and then coach me through my crazy mood-swings through out the day. I'm just the most grateful we met and that we still get to work together, even if we don't work on the same team anymore.

David & Janelle

Two of the most wonderful humans who made a point today of making sure I knew I was welcome and wanted in their home, even if I wasn't ready to attend a function where undesirable humans would be in attendance. Their support and love have been felt from miles away as they've been caught in the midst of the insanity. I am forever grateful for their friendship. In fact it's one of the few good things that came out of the relationship that was.

Megan Y.

My ginger-mermaid friend who advises me and makes me better. She inspires me, sends me happy things, and indulges my rants and rages about anything and everything. Her love and encouragement are so helpful at work, and I am  glad that we are able to vent to each other and work through our red-head passions together. We are two peas in a pod and will likely run away to be mermaids in Thailand one day.

The Cast of A Christmas Carol

I know that's a huge umbrella, but I honestly am so so so glad that everyone who I get to see at rehearsal is there. Today (and most days), I am especially grateful for Casey, Nate, Mason, Kade, Erin, Geoff, and Josh, but the cast as a whole is such a delight and so wonderful to be around. There is nothing better than being surrounded by beautiful, talented, loving humans every night for a few hours. I have made such incredible friends, who don't even know how much they mean to me. This show is a family- and I'm honored to be a part of it.

Ally B.
My roommate who takes care of me so very well. She can come home to see me halfway through my second glass of wine, listen to me whine and cry about my shitty day, and ensure that I eat more before heading to rehearsal. She also is incredibly on the ball about getting household matters taken care of, which is such a blessing. Thanks to her I was able to come home to our wi-fi being up and running. I am so so so glad that we are living together again, and so grateful that we've been friends for so long. 

Missy-Moo

My seeeeeester, who I can just text and she can tell things may not be okay and promptly contribute a ridiculous vine or tidbit to make me smile. She rocks. I'm glad I get to call her mine. 

And these are just the people who were instrumental in my day today. There are so many more incredible humans who I would be totally lost without, but to list them all would take years. And for that I am grateful.

So thank you, friends. Thank you for proving that people are fundamentally good. Thank you for providing support and love. Thank you for making me laugh hard and smile wide. Thank you for crying with me, or at least allowing me to cry on your shoulder. Thank You. Thank You. THANK YOU.

My life really would suck without all of you.

30 before 30. (or, A Bucket List with a Deadline)

You guys. In just under 60 days it will be Christmas.

Which means that in just under 60 days it will be my birthday.

27

I'm turning 27 this year. Which is just a mere 3 years from hitting the big 3-0....

THIRTY!
My 30s have never felt so close and it's more than a little bizarre.

I have heard, however, that your 30s are the time when life finally starts feeling like it makes a bit more sense.

That for whatever reason, once you're in your 30s things settle and absorb and come full circle in a really great way.

So... honestly, I'm looking forward to my 30s. Truly. I'm more than a little over these psycho, hyper-emotional, roller coaster 20s. I'm ready for things to quiet down and feel like they make even a fraction more sense.

THAT BEING SAID-

I was going through some old magazines tonight and found a bucket-list of sorts.

This writer came up with a list of 30 "Silly, naughty, daring things you secretly want to do but have no excuse to...." and decided to do them all before she turned 30. She did them all in the month leading up to her 30th birthday... so one thing every day. That seems exhausting to me. But I do love the idea of a 30 before 30 list... and since I like to plan ahead for most things... I thought I'd start putting mine together now. I took some ideas from her list, and will add my own as well... and we'll see where this goes. This goes into effect as of now. 

1. Tell Mom a Deep, Dark, Secret. pick one... there's plenty to chose from.
2. For one day, say 'Yes' to everything. at least everything that won't cost you your job/too much money.
3. Get a psychic reading. not just tarot cards... an actual palm-reading, crystal consulting psychic.
4. Have sex in a public place.  'nough said.
5. Buy an expensive dress, wear it out, return it the next day. note: find someplace fancy to wear said dress.
6. Read War and Peace, finally. and also maybe Anna Karenina , among a few other classics.
7. Throw a drink in a man's face, like in the old movies. it has to feel as liberating as it looks.
8. Chill with someone about to turn 20. this will be easy, since it will likely be my sister and her friends. 
9. Lose those last 5lbs. aka- get to the goal weight (140) and stay there.
10. Eat alone at a super classy restaurant. Some place people only take dates to.
11. Buy a pair of Designer shoes. Preferably on sale... 
12. Have a closure conversation with an unrequited love. ....this may have to wait until the last month of 29 before i feel ready for that.
13. Get a brazillian wax. because why the hell not?
14. Tell my closest friends what I love most about them. no time like the present
15. Kiss a man whose hair is longer than mine. like... really long.
16. Kiss a woman whose hair is shorter than mine. like... really short.
17. Get my finances in good order. or at least better order. ironing out the kinks on my credit before i'm 30 would be huge!
18. Write at least one letter a month. and actually mail it out!
19. Take a Pole or Silks or Strip-robics class. getting in shape can be sexy!
20. Attend religious services of faiths I'm not familiar with. if for no other reason than to feel more informed about how people worship. 
21. Dye my hair a color that is not a natural hair color shade. i'm leaning towards teal or purple... maybe i'll do both....
22. Audition for a touring company/cruise line/Disney every time the opportunity arises. explore EVERY avenue for getting the eff out of here with performing.
23. Read all the plays I own and buy at least one play a month. essentially be a good actor and know the field
24. Get back into Voice Lessons. be 100% prepared and ready to kill every audition.
25. *TO BE DETERMINED
26. *TO BE DETERMINED
27. *TO BE DETERMINED
28. *TO BE DETERMINED
29. Celebrate New Years Eve in NYC with my friends. also acceptable if carried out on the NYE immediately following my 30th birthday.
30. Float a message in a bottle out to sea. let it carry away any lingering negativity.

Owning October

This is my time.
This is my month.

September usually treats me much better than most months. But this year.... lets just say September ended up dropping me into a new kind of hell, emotionally, and the last week or so has been harder than I could've imagined and I've been in a darker place than I ever thought I would be. I'm working on it...

SO

Yesterday, being the First of October, I decided that I was going to claim this month as my own. This is my month. I will own every moment of the next 30 days and focus on the things that will make me feel whole again. I will work on sponging away the anger and hurt and tainted memories by replacing them with art and friendship and joy. I will extract the toxicity from my life and embrace the people who truly know what love and friendship mean. I will be healthier. I will be busier. I will take (reasonable) risks and start anew. 

first step- chop off my insanely long hair:

My hair hasn't been this short since I lived in Tallahassee. It took a literal and figurative load off of me when the stylist sliced off 9 inches of dead ends. It was time. And it was a tiny outlet for some of the scary, destructive energy I've had stewing inside of me.

Yesterday I also completed my run in the "Utah Idol" karaoke contest. Last night was the Finals round, and out of the 45 people who made it to finals (not to mention the 100+ people who entered the competition) I managed to rank in the top 15 performers. It was insane. I sang "No Good Deed" from Wicked as one of my songs last night and it was the most terrifying, exhilarating, and wild feeling I've had as a performer in a really, really long time. My dad filmed it.. I'm working on getting it from him and posting it somewhere so the peeps who wanted to be there but couldn't get a chance to see it. It was ridiculous, and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to do it. I want to sing more. I want to get back into voice lessons and get better at what I love to do. 

And last, but mostly- I just got a new job!!! You are reading the writing of the newest Enrollment Counselor at WGU. I'll still be working with the Enrollment team, except now people will be setting appointments for me to talk to people and help them get enrolled in school. I will be in a full time, salaried position. With benefits. And they seemed understanding about my conflicts for Christmas Carol, and about potential conflicts for future shows. I move to that team on the 13th and I am so excited I can't stand it. 

October is my month.

I am Owning October. 

You hear me?

Owning It.