Honesty

Is such a lonely word.


I've given myself a goal this week of being honest. With myself, primarily, but also with others.
Day one was hard. Admitting certain truths about myself and my emotions made for a rocky emotional ride through my day. But I think it's an important ride. I think it's one that will eventually lead to some sort of healing, or closure, or contentment or.... something different.

I can do hard things. I just have to be okay with the emotions that come along with them.

On Feeling Like an Old Maid, and why it's Bullshit

When web-searching for the definition of an "Old Maid" the most common answers went something like this:

• A woman who has passed the customary age of marriage and will likely remain single.
  or
• A woman who has passed the age of having children and being wed.
  or
• Someone unlikely to ever get married.

Most message board respondents seem to agree that you don't reach Old Maid status until you hit 40.

BUT

When you live in Utah, its REAL easy to start feeling past your prime much earlier than that.

You know, at like... 27.

This happens because all the wedding announcements on your mother's fridge are now for kids who are at least 5 years younger than you.

And because half of your friends from college are now having kids and your FB and Instagram are full of baby photos.

Also, all the single girls at work. (the majority who are your age or younger) are ALWAYS talking about this guy or that guy or "who are you dating?" 

Everyone is on the hunt, its expected that you're looking for that one person to complete your life. Its the most important subject of conversation. Always. 

So over it. I have just the hardest time with those conversations.

Because I'm not looking for "Mr. Right." 

I'm hardly even looking for a "Mr. Right-Now."

I'm floating in this phase of my life where the thought of opening myself up to something deeper than casual and easy and simple is TERRIFYING.

However, I also have these moments of longing and loneliness and heartache where I start to wonder if I'm ever going to not be terrified. Because while I'm not actively seeking him out, I do still want my Mr. Right.

I have this image of a someone, and a list of traits I'd like them to have, give or take a few because I know no one is perfect. I know there will need to be some electricity there, some fire and passion; but, also something calm and peaceful about being around them. This someone will understand my love and passion for theatre, whether or not they participate in it themselves. We'll be able to each enjoy our separate hobbies and activities and friends without needing the other around all the time, but we'll also be able to enjoy each others hobbies and activities and friends at the same time. He'll compliment my eccentricities with his own, and he'll understand when I'm having one of those days that require sweatpants and curling up in a ball. 

And I know he's gotta be out there somewhere. But I also know that in the meantime, I've got way more important things to focus on:

 The next audition coming up.

How I can spend more time with my puppy.

Going on vacation with my roommate.

Getting tickets to that concert that I absolutely can't miss.

Figuring out my health and my finances.

Trying to be a better friend.

Feeling satisfied and okay and content with myself more days than not.

Because, in the long run, he's probably working on all of these things too- in his own way. And until that whole "right place/right time" thing happens, I might as well be enjoying the things that keep me happy and sane and human.

Living in Utah, where there's this cultural need and urgency to get married and procreate, kind of makes those of us who aren't in any hurry feel a little.... old. Or lacking. Or something. And I think it's a load of crap. I may not be actively looking to tie the knot and settle down, but I am actively pursing wonderful things. I'm actively working on myself all the time. I'm trying to become a whole person, someone that doesn't need completion, but someone who would like companionship eventually. I'm actively working on loving life the way it is, accepting everything about being who I am and where I am. And in the long run, I feel like that'll make things so much easier for me and my future companion. Because really....

Unbreakable - or - My quest to be more like Kimmy Schmidt

FIRST THINGS FIRST

If you are not watching this INCREDIBLE show on netflix, you're wasting your life.

Seriously. It's hilarious, and empowering and wonderful.

So watch it. Because that's kind of what the rest of this post refers to. 

Life has been ridiculous lately.

I go through this crazy cycle of a few incredible weeks and then just a few weeks where I'd rather be curled up in a ball in bed. It's exhausting, and I probably need to figure out why it happens that way.

But, the point is,

it happens. 

And even on those days when I feel like I can't function, I have to function. 

I have to get out of my bed and go to work and interact with people, and I have to pretend like everything is peachy keen.

One of my favorite things that Kimmy Schmidt has given me is the idea that "You can survive anything for 10 seconds." Some days its just a matter of taking it ten seconds at a time in order to make it through the most unbearable of days. It's a matter of realizing there is only so much that you can control, and breathing deep to release any stress or guilt about the things that you can't.


Also, Kimmy is one of the most positive, optimistic characters I've ever seen. She finds the joy in every strange, un-ideal situation. She fights her way through some impossible odds. She lets herself be down for a little while but then picks herself back up and powers onward.
 I'm trying to do that too.

So. 10 Seconds at a Time.
I'm also reminding myself that I am lucky:
I have a job
I have insurance
I have incredible friends
I have Buster
I have voice lessons
I have nice things
I have amazing co-workers
I have a car

I'm not drowning.
I'm strong.as.hell.
UNBREAKABLE
dammit!

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day
Singles Awareness Day
V-Day

Whatever you call it, it's that time of year again. The time when people seem to either pair off, or lament their singularity, or bemoan how little such a commercial day means.

For me, this year, it's somehow just a day.

I'd anticipated being emotional.

Sad, angry, nostalgic, regretful, lonely, hurt....

But I'm not.

I've been thinking about last year, this time, when I was in a relationship and the day seemed to hold significance. It felt special and good at the time. 

But on reflection, it was very one-sided. I put in a lot of thought and energy, treating someone else in a way that just wasn't ever reciprocated, really. Not that everything always needs to be 100% reciprocal in relationships- but some sort of effort from both parties should be made... don't you think?

ANYWAYS.

This year I'm taking the opportunity to just look at the 14th of February as a day to Treat myself.

Sleeping in.

Eating well.

Surrounding myself with people (and pets) whom I love.

That whats the day should be about. 

If that means being around someone you're romantically involved with, great.

But if you're not in a relationship, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the day and fill it with love for yourself and the others around you.

And just for the record- I love you guys. ♥

January Wrap Up

It's been a month of learning. I've been trying to put myself first, focus on what I need and what I want and what feels right. 

I started taking Voice Lessons from the amazing Mary Driggs. Three weeks in and I can't believe what I've been missing. I hadn't taken an actual lesson since I graduated from Weber, and even though I've been singing and working since then I didn't realize how many bad habits I've picked up. I'm working muscles that haven't been used in a while and discovering that it's easier than I thought to do what I want with my voice. So incredible. 

Also- while I'm still working on it- I've been trying to eat more fresh, real food. I've tried to up my water intake a bit- or at least maintain it.

 I've been cooking at home more often. Much more veggies. Trying to eat less carbs, less red-meat, and more chicken and fish. I've never really been a fish fan, but i'm learning to like tilapia, and I think I'm going to try and cook more with shrimp and possibly attempt to eat other kinds of fish... maybe. I don't necessarily feel like I've lost weight, but I feel better overall, which is nice.

I took some time this month to just enjoy myself as well. I've tried to surround myself with people who make me laugh, who make me feel beautiful, and who bring out the best in me. It's given me a lot of perspective on some of the ways I'd been treating myself in the past and helped me open a few windows- emotionally. I'm discovering parts of myself that I didn't know I had, treating myself to fun experiences and planning things for myself this year- and it's been an adventure. And I'm lucky to have awesome people along for the ride. 

------------

February is going to be fun. 

Ally and I have tickets for the Dancing With The Stars tour. I'm going to visit Randall in San Diego for 4 days. There's 'Mermaid' auditions, and possibly 'Lyric' auditions. 

There's a million plans and potentials that are floating in the air right now- and all of them are thrilling and terrifying and amazing.

I can't wait.