Learning

I'm learning...

• ... that love is so much different than I thought it was. There was a time when I was sure I knew what love meant and how it felt and where it came from. But life has a way of breaking down your pre-conceptions and slapping you in the face with something that may shake you to your core. I'm trying to find a way to pick up the pieces of what I thought I knew, and making them fit in to what I'm coming to know. Love is confusing. Love is suprising. Love is terrifying. Love is fluid. Love is both difficult and easy. Love is a process. Love is fun and exciting and blissful. I'm learning to let it take its course in it's own way, because it's slow and thoughtful and full of it's own life, and can't be forced. 
• ... that budgeting is not my strong-suit. This isn't new knowledge, but it's become painfully obvious in the last few months. Even with my new job and it's secure, steady, reliable paycheck, I haven't been able to keep up with my bills and expenses the way I should be. I'm learning how to cut back. WAY back. I'm trying to learn how to organize my spending in a way that will help me come out on top at the end of the month, instead of scrambling to make ends meet before another month's expenses crop up. I'm trying to humble myself enough to consider making some drastic changes in my lifestyle and living situation. I've learned that while money may not buy happiness, it does buy security. And it's hard to be happy when you can't come close to feeling secure.
• ... that the life I've chosen is terrifying. It is rewarding, it is thrilling, it is full of joy and energy. But the life of an actor is also unreliable, and it is frustrating, and it is maddening. I am feeling lost, as of late; trying to decide if the choices I've made for my theatre career have been the right ones. I am watching several of my closest friends pick up their roots and move in a direction that will further their careers in one way or another. Part of the reason I'm still here has to do with the financial situations I find myself in, but I also think part of it is my fear and my inability to decide what direction my life as an actor should go. I'm learning that my motivation can't be fueled by anyone but myself, and I'm working on finding a way to kickstart that once more. 
• ... that I am not doing well living alone. I am learning that I am unmotivated when I come home to an empty apartment. Being on my own was an adventure and an experiment, and I feel like it's staring to hurt me. I walk through the door after work and I have no desire to clean or cook or exercise or (ironically) be social. When I had the motivation to come home to my puppy it felt right, it felt like home. But because my dog seems to so fiercely dislike this apartment, I've been here completely alone, and it is suffocating-ly lonely sometimes. But the solitude seems to suck me in, and I get stuck on my couch, not socializing, not inviting people over because the house is a mess, and falling into some weird lonely head-space that has an easy remedy- if I just made the effort to fix it. As much as I dread the idea of moving, I'm starting to wonder if it just might be necessary. 
• ... that maybe it's okay to not have things figured out just yet. I look around and I see people who are barely old enough to buy alcohol getting engaged and married, but I also see people who have been married and divorced before the age of 30. I see my peers who seem to be thriving and living it up on the streets of NYC and Boston and Chicago, but I also see my friends who are working mundane day jobs and living in mediocre apartments, and living on Ramen-noodles and Mac & Cheese. I see that life is too unpredictable to think that things have to be a certain way by a certain age. I ache to feel like I know what I'm doing and where I'm headed, but I'm also learning I'm not the only person who feels that way. I have hope things will all work out. I will find a path to walk on, I will not be on it alone, and it will have some sort of solid ground to stand upon- however meager it may be.

Reminders from the Universe

I have been strapped for cash. Just.... the tightest, penny pinching-est I've ever been. So broke that I decided to try donating plasma. It was a miserable mistake. Terrible bruising, I vomited at the clinic, no fun.

At that point I decided to put out a call for extra work- housecleaning, pet walking, odd jobs- I asked my friends via FaceBook if they'd be willing to let me do some work for them in exchange for some cash. 

In return I was gifted a total of $230 dollars.

GIFTED

My incredible friends and family dipped into their wallets and bank accounts and found it in their hearts to help me get through

....so i cried....

....and it just clicked.....

When ever I start feeling like I'm losing ground, like I'm spinning out of control, like I'm making a mess of myself and my life- the Universe steps in, puts it's hand out and gives me a reminder of just how lucky I am.

REMINDERS

Generous and Selfless gifts from friends and family.

Finding out that the Terrific Trio (Mikell, Me and Sara) will all be in Orlando at the same time.

Daily expressions of affection and care from Chris

Randall securing me a comp ticket for his (brilliant) show.

John giving me $20 as a gift in order to buy a SLC Comic-Con ticket.

Getting to work on an incredible show with incredible people and loving every second.

Seeing some of my favorite humans at a callback.

So grateful. So lucky.

Spring Cleaning, pt. 2

yesterday was just... woof.

I was anxious and irritated at various situations I have no control over

and I was feeling a little disjointed and spread thin.

so i when i got home from work

and saw just how disgustingly filthy my house was

i almost cried 

but then, i decided to do something about it

and I went into

RAGE CLEAN MODE

-Four sink-fulls of dishes: WASHED
-Dusty/Dirty Floors: VACUUMED
-Laundry, including sheets and blankets: DONE
-Fridge and Freezer: CLEANED OUT
-Trash/Recylcing: EMPTIED
-Closet and Dresser: SORTED and WEEDED OUT

(I managed to fill 5 bags with clothes/accessories to take to Plato's Closet & the DI) 

Between 4:45 and 9:30pm I did all of that, plus cooked dinner/next day's lunch and re-washed those dishes.

When I finally sat down to fold laundry and catch up on my TV shows, I felt like things were back in my control and I could actually breathe and relax for real.

The only thing left to do is finish tidying and vacuuming my room, detail clean my bathroom, and swiffer mop my hard-floors- which I can do tonight after our pickup rehearsal for Noises Off.

*not my carpets*

It's bizarre how calming those vacuum lines in the carpet are.

-------

Then, today, I read this article.

7 Things I Learned from A Year Without Alcohol

and it got me thinking.

As part of my 'Spring Cleaning' crusade I've been trying to clean up the food i'm consuming.

And I think maybe that should include beverages as well.

I don't think I have near the trouble with Alcohol as the girl in the article did, but I do think I use it as a crutch sometimes- especially when I'm emotional. And it makes me wonder what things I'm missing out on or making harder for myself by enjoying adult beverages as often as I do.

So I think the plan is going to be:

Cook from home as much as possible
Avoid carbonated and heavily sugary drinks

Eat fresh fruits and veggies as often as possible

Pick one day each week to enjoy any alcoholic beverages. Just one day.

(Mine this week was Monday night)

I'm not looking for weight loss necessarily, just trying to fuel my body better and help it operate at it's full potential. 

It's going to be a good year. I can tell.

Patience is hard.

There is a girl. A woman, I guess, since she is my age. But I think of her as a girl. Who has chosen to make it her life's goal to make my boyfriend's life as difficult as possible. They were married, and things happened, and as part of their divorce settlement he has been required to pay her $300/month. This money was supposed to help her support herself as she went to school and lived on her own and started her new life. Problem being- she quit going to school, and moved back in with her parents, all the while still claiming she needed the extra money. She also told him that she couldn't care for their dogs anymore, made him take them. He worked very hard to help those sweet pups adjust to his life and home and then she changed her mind, decided she needed them more than him, and yanked the dogs back into her 'custody'. She has harassed and hounded and irritated him beyond measure for the last year. I'm sure in her mind it's revenge, she feels he owes it to her because for whatever reason she thinks she's the only one who was hurt when their marriage ended. I'm sure she thinks she's justified.

but i just want to key her car.
egg her house.
send her nasty, angry emails.
punch her in the throat.

she makes me violently angry.
I know I can't fully understand her point of view. I don't know how she felt when things ended and they divorced. I don't even know every single detail of the reasons for the divorce.

What I do know is that when a marriage doesn't work it's not the fault of one person. There are two people in a marriage, and it takes both parties to make or break it. So while she may feel like he's fully culpable, she played a part as well. And she doesn't just get to make his life miserable because her feelings were hurt.

I want to tell her to grow the hell up.
Be an adult. Move on. Find someone new.
Become a more complete, stronger individual by learning from your experiences.

I want to have the grace and patience and maturity to encourage her to grow.
to wish her health and joy and happiness

But I'd rather  make her feel as small and insignificant and childish as she's acted for the last year.

Instead I will continue to enjoy my time with this man who has made my life better, and who has shown extreme patience and self-control throughout. I will keep supporting him. We will keep having a good time and living life and enjoying the world. He's done paying her support as of today. And I'm looking forward to spending our time together free from her insanity.

Taking Responsibility

On my computer at work I have my desktop background set up to shuffle through a folder of images with inspirational/positive quotes and images. Today as I was coming back from my break I saw that this image was currently decorating my screen, and it got me thinking.

We opened NOISES OFF tonight. It's been a month of memorizing, running around, digging deep, exhaustion, and incredibly fun, but hard, work. The last two weeks of tech and dress rehearsals have tested my stamina, my confidence, and my talent. I've never worked on a show that required so much concentration and focus while at the same time requiring excessive amounts of ease and relaxation. Comedy is HARD, it's a skill-set I wasn't given much of an opportunity to polish during college But this show... this show has put me to work.

I've always felt like I didn't have much of a choice in the matter when it came to what I was going to do with my life. I've written about this before- theatre is the only thing that makes sense to me. Its always been the dream, and though the parameters of that dream may have shifted and changed over time- I know I'll always be trying to perform in one way or another. But I don't know if I've ever thought about my need/ability to perform as a responsibility. When put into those terms it gives me new perspective on what I'm doing to further myself as a performer. Going to auditions, seeking out voice lessons or workshops, keeping fit, reading plays; these are all things that I should be doing in order to keep this gift in tip-top shape. I want to make sure I'm constantly working at myself, at my talent. It's something I'm going to try to focus on from now on.

What talents do you feel like you've been entrusted with? How are you working on them?