Thursday, December 29, 2011

Em-Eye-See-Kay-Ee-Why Em-Oh-You-Ess-Ee

MICKEY MOUSE!

This year's Christmas gift from Mommy was a trip to DISNEYLAND!
We drove all day on the 23rd and made it in plenty of time to go to dinner at Downtown Disney after checking in at the

Our view of California Adventure from the hotel room. We had an upgraded family suite! 

It was an incredible trip, beautiful weather, fun rides, good food, character greetings, so much fun.

Here's some photo-documentation of the trip:


 
Porter got to do the Jedi Training Academy and fought Darth Maul!

Sleeping Beauty's Castle all lit up for Christmas

It was my birthday!!


Ariel's Undersea Adventure, went twice. She's my favorite!



Porter and Melissa as Toy Story Action Figures!

BIRTHDAY MINNIE MOUSE!
This guy looked like Josh Groban with a mustache, it was trippy.
He was EVERYWHERE... and married, i checked for the ring. :(


Mint Juleps and Mickey Mouse Beignets- Delish.


MOUSEKETEERS! <3

It was an amazing holiday adventure. We loved the parks, despite the INSANE amount of people at Disneyland on Christmas Day. We ate at Ariel's Grotto on Christmas Eve and at the Cafe Orleans on Christmas day. I bought an Ariel TShirt, pins, a birthday sash... too much goo.
Compared to the World of Disney, it was different. Rides were different, it was smaller, the castle is tiny in comparison to Orlando. But I liked it. I want to go again this year and experience it with less people. We didnt get to ride any of the 'Mountain' roller-coasters, or Small World, which was sad. And I didnt get to do Haunted Mansion which i Love.
BUT we did do Soarin, and Both Toy Story rides, Goofy's Flight School, Indiana Jones, Pirates, Finding Nemo, Peter Pan, Mr. Toad, Rodger Rabbit, Dumbo, Jungle Cruise... So much fun.

Disney 2011, A Christmas To Remember. 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

there's this guy.

He blew into my life last winter, working at Corbins. We came together quickly, burned real hot, real bright, real fast. And then the flame blew out, faster than it started, and after a little bit of drawn out drama, that was it. I was left with this weird situation of having cared for someone quite a bit, being hurt in a way I'd never hurt before, dealing with emotion I hadn't been quite ready for.

It's been about nine months now, and after having to quite literally grieve a relationship that had been brief but intense, I'm sitting in one of the grief stages and trying desperately to pull myself onward and upward.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Fourth Stage, welcome home. I've been feeling like something is missing lately. I know things are fine. I'm employed (times2) and I'm good at my jobs. I'm feeling more confident and secure in my skills as a performer. I have incredible friends and a loving family and an adorable doting puppy. I've been financially secure and stable all semester. Xanadu is going to ACTF. Cradle Will Rock is going to be fantastic. Things are good. And yet, I feel empty, i feel like a piece of the puzzle isn't here. I have a suspicion as to what it is, where it's coming from, why I've been so pulled towards a certain guy who briefly was a huge part of my life. He is the root of the problem, I know he is. And I've been trying to get him back into my life in any sort of small way. Using my energies to try and get him to see me. Finally seeing him at the bar, and then constantly thinking of him since then. I realized, last night, in a depressed and inebriated state, that I seem to be the only one making any sort of effort here. And I told him so.

I'm taking a step towards being okay. To trying and feeling whole again. It makes me feel weak to want him, and i hate that. Alot. So i'm going to NOT text him. I'm going to NOT try to arrange meetings. I'm going to NOT keep drinking alone. I'm going to go to work. I'm going to spend time with friends. I'm going to play with my dog. I'm going to go to Disneyland in 9 days. I'm going to try and maybe hang out with that other guy who looks like Josh Groban. I'm going to push through the empty and try and come out on the other side with some sort of handle on my life. And I'm going to be okay with everything. 

At least, I better be okay with everything.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

HEALTHSPIRATION

tips like this are usually called 'Thin-spiration', I HATE that term. I think it should be termed 'Healt-spiration,' or something similar. Either way, I stole this from pinterest, and have highlighted (and editorialized) the tips I'm going to make a goal to follow. 


1. Drink one glass of water every hour. It will make you feel full. 
2. Drink ice cold water. Your body will burn calories just getting the water to a normal temperature to digest. Also it is great for your complexion. 
3. Drink 3 cups of green tea daily. It will help boost your metabolism, plus its anti-oxidants make your skin look great. (i want to start getting the green tea HP stuff from the mall...)
 4. Take vitamins daily. Do not take vitamins on an empty stomache, otherwise they have nothing to catalyze with. 
5. Eat ice or gum when hungry. This will make your body think it had food without the calories. 6. Do aerobics until you want to faint.
 7. Eat spicy foods. They raise your metabolism. 
8. Take cold showers because your body will burn calories to heat you back up. 
9. DON’T take laxatives. They don’t help you to lose weight. 
10. DON’T use diruretics. They only dehydrate you.
 11. Brush your teeth constantly so you won’t be tempted to eat afterwards. 
12. Wear a rubberband around your wrist. Snap it when you want to eat. 
13. Clean something gross (toilet, litter box, boyfriend’s closet) when you want to eat. You will not want to eat after cleaning a litter box. 
14. Get a job so you’ll have to work through meal times. 
15 Use smaller plates and utensils so it seems like you ate more. 
16. Chew each bite of food thoroughly and then take a sip of water between bites. You will feel full quicker and will not eat as much.
 17. Buy clothes that you can’t fit into and hang them wear you can see them. This will motivate you to lose weight to fit into them.
 18. Sleep at least six hours a day. If you get less than six this can lower your metabolism by 15%. 
19. If you start to feel hungry do situps. 
20. Pamper yourself! Give yourself a facial, paint your nails, anything to make you feel pretty.
 21. Get out of your house!
 22. Keep track of everything you eat. Look at it daily for thinspiration, healthspiration
23. Keep good posture, burns 10% more calories when you sit up straight. 
24. Make a list of all the “bad” foods that you crave and tend to binge on. Each day, pick one to take out of your diet that you absolutely, no matter what, cannot eat again. Take one off the list each day until there are no more bad foods you can have. 
25. Avoid alcohol! A shot of liquor has 100-120 calories, a glass of wine has 80 calories, a lite beer has 110-120 calories, and a regular beer has 140-170 calories. 
26. Never eat anything bigger than about a cup, your stomach will expand and then you’ll get hungry more.
 27. Have 6 small meals a day. 
28. Low calorie hot chocolate curbs chocolate cravings, and makes you feel full.
 29. It takes 20 minutes for the brain to realize the stomach is full
. 30. Eat lots of fiber. It makes you feel full and takes fat with it out of your body. The natural cleansing helps improve both your energy level and overall feeling of wellness.
 31.Before you dig into that cake, bag of chips, candy, or whatever, take a deep breath and count to 100. Usually by the time you get to 100 you will have convinced yourself that you don’t really want it. (I've also heard you should count down from your current weight to your goal weight).
32. When you’re hungry chug 2 glasses (or how many you need) of straight water. It’ll make you so full
 33. Celery actually burns calories. Every hour eat a stalk of it. Not only will it fill you up, but it will also get your metabolism kickin’. 
34. Read the nutritional information. Remember, fat-free does not mean calorie-free. Also keep an eye on fiber content. Get as much fiber into your diet as you can, while cutting fat and calories.
 35. Don’t eat a lot at once. Spread your food throughout the day. This will help to avoid binging and keep your metabolism going. 
36. If you like to drink alcohol, you’ll like this. Make a rule: You can only drink every time you lose 2lbs. So, if you lose 4lbs a week, you can drink Friday and Saturday night. However, if you only lose 2lbs a week, you only get to drink one night.
 37. Do not eat in front of the computer or TV. This distracts you from recognizing you’re full. 
38. Stay away from Slim-fast and other so-called “healthy” candy bars and shakes… one look at the nutition facts will tell you why. With all the carbs and excess calories you may as well go eat a freakin pie or something. Not to mention the rediculous prices… save yourself the money, and the calories. 
39.When having cravings drink a couple glasses of water with slices of lemons and count to 100 and it should go away. 
40. Eating 100 cals 4 times a day is better than eating a 400 cal meal. 
41. An occasional binge doesn’t hurt, in fact it’s quite beneficial if you have reached a plateau (stopped losing weight). Your body will think you have stopped starving yourself, and you will drop at least a pound overnight! Just don’t binge too regularly! 


I just have been so uncomfortable in my own skin all year long. I lost a bunch of weight when I moved home to my moms and then moving out of her house put it all back on, among other reasons. 
It's time to start taking care of myself again, and being good to my body. I want to feel better, and stronger, and leaner and healthier, and prettier.
Goal for Christmas Break: Build Healthier Habits for weight-loss

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

"We all have a 'type'"

PROLOGUE- We went out for Ally Berry's 21st birthday last night and it was ridiculously fun. Keys On Main is probably my favorite bar in the state, which isn't saying much since I've been to so few of them here, but still. She was drunk, and rightfully so, and we surprised her with a visit from our long lost and soon-to-be-famous friends Grey & PJ, and everyone serenaded her through Karaoke. It was a wonderful, and well deserved, birthday for a girl who is Brilliant and Loving and Sweet and Amazing.- Guests included: Tyson, Jaron, Marc, Isaac, Carleton, Me, Shelby, Grey, and PJ.

I was really glad to get out and go drinking with everyone I love, and to spend time feeling less like a little kid and more like a big-kid. Sometimes I feel like the reason no one realizes I'm older than 20 is because my group of friends has an average age of 20, and it's hard to be all... grownupish. Idk. Whatever, Last night was wonderful, and fun, and I got to see friends I rarely see, and I found myself interested in someone for the first time in a while.

See, this spring was more than a little difficult on my love-life. After a breakup that made me assert myself in a way I never have before, and then some physical set-backs that knocked my confidence down a few notches, I havent found myself feeling interested in anyone romantically at all. That's not to say I havent wanted to be with someone, I just haven't felt like anyone was attractive or butterfly inducing. I've been in this weird situation of sometimes crippling loneliness that has no outlet because there is no one specific I've wanted to be with. It's been incredibly frustrating. SO- last night at the bar when I found myself drawn to this guy, it was nice to feel that way again. Nice to have those twitterpated feelings, to want to be flirty, to try and catch his interest. It was fun. We'd met before, a few times actually, but never really spent any time together, and last night we got to know each other a teeny tiny bit more. He sang karaoke, and suggested the PERFECT song for me to sing. Things were fun. Things were interesting, but all the while I knew, that this was just me falling into the same old trap. Because this fun and flirty guy is JUST LIKE the last 3 guys I've been associated with. He's a video-game-aholic, and he's a recreational drugs kindof guy. He's not the healthiest of crushes for me, and I knew that before he and I even started talking, and yet... 

I still find myself wanting to facebook stalk him, and trying to figure out how to hang out with him again without seeming all weird and crush-y. It's not smart or healthy at all. And while I'm glad that my hormones and confidence and brain are letting me feel this way again, I just wish it was towards someone a bit less like all the other guys I've dated. A friend of mine said that we all have a type... and I'm wondering why it is that every guy I'm physically interested in tends to also be the kindof guy who doesnt have his shit together.



This is a problem. How do I fix it?

Friday, December 2, 2011

XANA-TREE and Fallen Tree.

XANA-TREE!

You neon lights will shine for you, Xanadu!!

Disco Ball Ornaments!
Pink and Tinsel and Programs... We win!
SOOO Taylor and Austin found out that Myself and Katrina and Shelby werent going to have a Christmas tree.
So what do they do? 
Borrow a tree from the props hall (Jingle Jacks, anyone?)
Buy Hobby Lobby Christmas ornaments
Find a bunch of programs from the show
and Magically appear at our house with Christmas decor in tow
Bringing us a XANA-TREE!
It kindof looks like the 80s and Mardi-Graw threw up on our tree a little bit.
but we love it! <3

now, onto the
FALLEN TREE
That's our large Pine Tree that used to stand up straight.
And that's our house peeking out from underneath it on the left there...
Yeah.
Woke up this morning to high winds,
Katrina expressed a concern that our tree might fall onto the house
I assured her it was too old and strong to fall on our house.
We left for school
And when I got home after classes had been cancelled this is what I found.
EEEK!
My poor Buster was having the biggest panic attack when I got inside,
The poor thing had no idea what was going on, and was just terrified. 
Luckily the tree didnt break any windows, or break through the roof-
it was much too tall for that!
The tree crew did get there today and Katrina said they removed the left half of the tree
Apparently there is some significant damage to our front stoop, and I'm sure the roof has some damage also.
Our backyard fence was also blown down, which makes me nervous for Buster.
But,
 I'm hoping when the landlord addresses that issue I can maybe see if he'll fence the rest of the yard, 
or at least 
enclose it from behind the garage, so that I can leave Buster outside for longer periods of time.
It was quite a stressful adventure, but our house still stands, so that is lucky.
I'm just glad we were all safe
and the pets were all safe (Katrina's Bird weathered the day without heat!)
and that the worst we'll have to pay for as renters is buying curtains for the front window
(because the Tree won't hide us anymore!) 
:-P

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

where has the time gone?

Somehow this semester has disappeared.
It feels like we just started classes, like I've barely seen some people I usually see LOTS of.

BUT
Only 3 days of classes left. 
Then three-ish days of finals.
Then
...
CHRISTMAS BREAK!!
Plans for Christmas Break
*Take Buster Brown on walks at least three times a week
*Work both jobs and save monies
*Eat better. Not necessarily less, but better.
*Clean & De-Junk my room, and organize for next semester.
*Watch Lots of Movies
*Drink Lots of Hot Chocolate (with Baileys, when appropriate)
*GO TO DISNEYLAND!!!
*Be Merry.
*Turn 24


Xanadu closed 10 days ago. And it feels like it was a beautiful dream that I got to live in for the semester. Life after Xanadu is much less exciting, much less joyous, much less glittery. But, I was exhausted after that run. Completely wiped. I think we all were. And it was nice to have a Thanksgiving Break to catch up on my sleep.

Thanksgiving was lovely. Much time spent at my mother's house with good food, good family, good couches, good TV, good movies, good bed. I got to sleep in my mother's big California King bed for 4 nights straight, and it was divine. My back has not adjusted back to my little bed at my house, and i'm definitely feeling it.

With the semester almost over I'm looking back at how much has changed, and I'm amazed at everything that's happened in what seems to be such a short amount of time:
* I've had 2 or 3 major actor/singer breakthrough moments. *I've stayed single, and remarkably crush free, for the entire semester. *I've grown close to SO many people in the department who I can't believe I've lived without.* I've completed (and received an A) on an Analysis of a play, and have been directing actors with what I feel is some pretty decent success.* I've stayed on the positive end of my bank account. *I've managed my money INCREDIBLY well for eating out as much as I have. *I was majorly injured for probably 75% of the semester, but I pulled through it and did a three week run of a VERY physical show. *I got cast in a show at Weber, not once, but twice (SO EXCITED FOR CRADLE!)

Things I never realized could happen in only 3.5 months. SO MANY THINGS. How everything (all of those things and more) fit into just one semester, I'll never know. But they did. And it was insane, and tough, and exhausting, and liberating, and exciting, and fun, and fast. And I loved it.

Sometimes (alot lately, actually) I start to get the winter blues. I've never had a good relationship with the winter months, and this year is no exception. BUT When i remember everything good that I've lived through this past semester, and how much I've grown and learned, It makes things a bit more bearable. It reminds me that I'm going to be okay. That even when work and heartache and loneliness and stress start getting to me, everything will be alright.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

This is a story about Breaking Through- Part 2

This semester is basically my Breaking Through story.

This week has been the most exhausting week EVER.
EVER.
I mean, hell week is supposed to happen the week before a show opens
not the week after. 
But, with auditions and callbacks for the spring shows
and homework
and trying to figure out how the HELL i'm going to get in all the rehearsals I need for Directing
Life is kindof crazy.


BUT, 
amidst all the insanity, there is something weird happening.
I got called back for Moll.
One of the main roles in Cradle Will Rock
and i was called back with people whose voices are NOTHING like mine.
which opened a door in my head:
Just because you arent a 'Maddie' or a "Rachel' or a 'Becca'
doesnt mean you arent as valid or talented or right for a role.
In fact
It may make you more right for a role.
And the fact that I WANT that role, kindof gives me an edge.
and I fought. FOUGHT FOUGHT FOUGHT
my way through that callback.
And it may not be me, but
at least I gave it EVERYTHING I had,
and I know that I'm right for the part
even if I'm not right for the production
and I know that I need to stop under-rating myself.
I'm better than I give myself credit for, I think.
And it's time to start believing that, truely.

Voice lessons, yet again, held more breakthrough moments
I was singing over my bridge like it never existed today.
Jim kept looking at me like I was someone he'd never seen
and that feels good.
no, not good
GREAT.
AMAZING.
and I think that I'm finally getting to a point where I feel like I deserve more
More than I've been letting myself have
More than I've been letting myself believe in.
and Its liberating.
And terrifying
but Incredible.


...

and I'm gushing.
but I just...
for once it feels like maybe I'm not fooling myself
Maybe I am good enough to make this happen
to live the dream
to be happy and successful.
And its insane, but wonderful
and perfect
and ugh... just right.


Monday, November 7, 2011

To love someone, and to create art; That is XANADU!

I love my cast family:







Every day I get to create something wonderful with this AMAZING cast of Xanadu. Unfortunately my pictures with the boys are limited as of now- that will change this week. 

We've had three INCREDIBLE performances of our show, with 12 more to go, and I couldn't be more excited to get back into it. Two days off was lovely to get caught up on my life a bit, but I'm itching to get back into costume and hair and makeup and make some magic on that ridiculously cool stage. Every night we're creating a hilarious, beautiful, full of heart show that we get to share with our audiences. We've been blessed with fantastic crowds, and it's amazing to hear them laugh the entire way through the show, beginning to end. Not one person leaves the theatre without a smile on their face, and it's wonderful to be able to give that to people. THIS is why I love theatre. THIS is why I do what I do. THIS is what makes me a functioning being. THIS is how I plan on living the rest of my life, and that thrills me.



Monday, October 24, 2011

As of late

It's been a hot second since I've blogged.
But that's because I'm busy beyond belief
In the last two weeks:

> Finished an analysis of The Heidi Chronicles> Participated in my dear friend Karmon's wedding (pictures soon!)
>Finished my Stage costume class
>Rehearsals 5 nights a week
>Working at least One shift a week @ Corbins/Caffe Cafe
>Held auditions for directing I scenes
>cleaned my room (i've been able to see 85% of my floor for a whole week)
>Over-extended my ankle, and realized the same day that I don't have a choice: I HAVE to open this show in two weeks (cont. later)
> Been on a ridiculous emotional roller coaster
>Fall break, which wasnt really a break
> History and Lit midterm taken and (hopefully) passed

And you know, I've been trying to breathe and eat and sleep and not freak out at anyone
All while being incredibly emotional about EVERYTHING because I'm a girl and thats what we do.


So I'm re-focusing a bit this week
I've caught up with myself a bit
and It's time to get organized
and feel better about myself and life
and not procrastinate everything
and this week will be simple as compared to last week/next week
so I'm taking advantage of it.

Step 1:
HYDRATION/CLEANSE

Saw this on pinterest and thought I could give it a shot.
It's kindof a body cleanse/hydration challenge for me
Jim Christian sortof dared me to stop drinking coffee
ugh. hard. 
So, while i'm trying to work on that I can use this drink thing to help me consume more water and maybe drop some of the water retention i've got.
Even if it doesnt drop 5lbs of water weight, at least I'll be hydrated
and it actually tastes pretty good.


Step 2:
POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS

Last Thursday as we left for class and I was feeling overwhelmed
Katrina said- "It's going to be a good day"
and i halfheartedly agreed.
she said- "no, say it like you mean it."
So i did.
and then it was a good day.
a really good day.
and I think it's worth a shot.

Step 3: 
BE ACTIVE

My ankle has been halfway holding me back.
I go all out on everything but skating at rehearsal
I walk around all day sans limp
I work full shifts at both jobs on my feet
but I havent started skating
and I've been avoiding moving in Modern class
and I need to stop babying it so much I think,
while still taking it easy I can start building up strength
PLUS
I'm so not ready for this show, fitness wise
My stamina is terrible, and not gonna cut it.
Two weeks folks.
I have to be show run worthy by November 4th
See- My grandparents spend the winter in Yuma, AZ
and they generally leave this week, or the week before halloween
but they postponed their trip so they could come see me on Opening night.
SOOO- despite the fact that I have a perfectly adorable swing who could do the show if my ankle wasnt ready
I HAVE to do opening night. 
no choice. 
here we go.


Step 4:
EVERYTHING ELSE

I want to keep my room clean
I want to eat better, cook more at home
I want to manage my money much better
I want to take Buster for a walk at least twice a week
I want to keep up with my History & Lit study guides
I want to lose ten pounds by Christmas

that's all. <3

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

oh, you know
i just bottle
and bottle
and bottle
and then.....


breaking point?

think i'm there.
that breakdown i mentioned?

yeah.
oh boy.

Monday, October 10, 2011

on relationships

Relationships have been on the brain lately.
Some good friends of mine broke up recently, and I've had both of them on my mind, because I know how hard it is for a long term relationship to suddenly cease to exist.

In the midst of all these thoughts, I realized
I have been single for 7 months.

That's the longest single stretch I've had in over two years.
Mike and I got together in April of '08 and broke up July '09
Then Brandon and I had July '09-September '09
James, Feb '10- July '10
Aaron, Nov '10-Dec'10
Roki, Jan '10- March'10

....

Yeah. The biggest gap since April of 2008 has been 5 months, and I've surpassed that by two.
Which, I keep telling myself, isn't a bad thing.
I shouldnt need to be with someone to feel whole.
I know I should be able to feel like a complete, functioning individual on my own.
I don't need a boy. 
But I want one.

Flip side of that-
I'm not really interested in anyone right now.
Really. 
Which means I revert to old boys.
Not healthy.
And yeah. Blah.


So, I'm kindof a mess.
like
90% of the time
but you'd never know it.
But I can bet you,
by the end of November, 
This girl will have had a breakdown.

Just you wait, Henry Higgins, Just you wait.

Monday, September 26, 2011

I just wanna dance.

I'm pretty much completely over this injury thing. My "good" ankle is achey and sore from holding 95% of my weight all the time, and my currently injured ankle was feeling better so i wore it wrapped and in a sneaker today, but when i got in the shower tonight it was killing me. I tried to wrap it post-shower and the pressure on it created even more pain. so i iced it. now heating it. gonna ice it again, and then do some basic flexion exercises to try and loosen it up or something.

Rehearsals for Xanadu are going well, except for the fact that I can't do most of the stuff we're staging right now. We choreographed "All Over The World" today, and it is fantastic, but I can't do any of it really at all because so much of the movement requires stronger ankles. I'm keeping copious notes, and marking everything from my seat, but I just want to be up moving and having just as much fun as everyone else. Frustrating, to say the very least.

Topping it off is the weird downward funk I've been settled in for the last week or so. This is nothing new, I tend to cycle through good and bad months/weeks emotions-wise, but I'm definitely at a low point currently. That isnt helping my frustration.

BUT- Positively: I sang at Cabaret this weekend. I decided to sing "Lying There" because I knew Michell had played it for me before, and Its kindof my go-to piece. but then Michell didn't make it to play, so Maddie pulled her copy of the song out, which was two and a half steps higher, and with a completely different arrangement. We went for it, and I think I pulled it off. Had to act off some of the higher notes that wouldnt belt the way I wanted them too. But I was able to belt myself some pretty sweet music, stuff even 3 weeks ago I never would've considered possible. So that was fun.

Me running through the song with the new accompaniment,
and a tea-light. :)

I'm trying to remain positive.
Remind myself that healing takes time.
The more I wait it out now, the faster I'll get better.
I'm improving leaps and bounds everywhere else.
So just be patient, Maggie. Just be patient.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

What a day it has been, what a rare mood I'm in...

It's nothing like being in love.
Such a weird energy surrounding today. Getting out of bed was trying, i slept rather well, and even went to sleep earlier than usual, but waking up... not so much. I zoned out through my first class, and then spent the two hours after that when I'm usually in Modern Dance gimping myself around campus trying to get some help with my foot (more on that later), and then struggled my way through a song in Acting for Musical Theatre. I'm so disconnected from everything right now, and I can't figure out why or what is causing it. I feel fine about 80% of the time, but that other nagging 20% is looming and I can't figure it out.

So, my foot. After rolling it on Saturday night, I hadnt really looked at it til last night... oh man oh man.

The inside of my heel


Bruising along the base of my swollen toes

EPIC bruising on the outside of my heel

Yeah. I hurt. And I'm slow. BUT the doctor at Health Services was incredibly nice and he told me that there is very little chance at all that it is broken. I may still go in for an x-ray (it's only $25 on campus!) just to be sure, but he said all I need to do is use it as little as possible, keep it supported, and start a simple physical therapy regimen that I can do on my own and that in 10 days or so I should be moving much easier on it. So... here we go.



Also of note- My friends THE ANSER on The X-Factor tonight. :)

TeeHee. I know them. :D

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Pain (and panic) Reporting for Duty!

Shelby and I have decided that we are Pain & Panic from Disney's Hercules
She is Panic and I am Pain.


This was illustrated on my part all too well last night as we were leaving Trent/Katrina's birthday party.

At the end of Trent's driveway, where it meets the sidewalk in front of the house, there is a big old hole. 
When it is very dark outside, this hole is invisible
This hole also enjoys eating people's feet.

I didn't see the hole and stumbled on into it with my good foot (the left one). This caused my ankle/foot to roll to the outside, and me to fall hard on my face. 
My knees took the brunt of the fall, they're both scraped up really badly and bruised pretty severly.
and my foot.... oh my foot.
We got ice on it pretty quickly. Gregory Sano and Katrina were angels and helped me get my breathing straight.
I basically had a full on panic attack after I fell. I couldn't breathe. I was sobbing without actually crying...
No fun.
Anyways. I'm basically one big ball of pain. Always. Now both my ankles are screwed up.
And I'm praying this isnt so severe that I'm unable to do XANADU.
So if you are so inclined, any prayers or good wishes on behalf of my foot/ankle would be greatly appreciated.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

This is a story about Breaking Through.



Once upon a time, there was a young girl who loved to sing. She sang all her life growing up. In church, in school choirs, in musicals, and when she was old enough, in voice lessons. Her teachers proved to her that she was a high soprano and this young girl loved working her range higher and higher and singing lovely loftly melodies that were beautiful and high. She was a soprano, and though she knew how to sing harmonies, the girl was taught that she should focus on her upper-register, because her passagio was in the belting area. So focus on singing high she did.

Then the young girl moved to Florida with her family. She began attending a performing arts high school and sang in the choir there, as well as continuing to sing in shows and anytime she could. She would take voice lessons here and there, jumping from teacher to teacher, but keeping her vocal chords in tip top condition. The girl realized her dream of performing professionally, singing and acting as a high soprano on the big Broadway stage, and so she worked and worked at keeping her voice in shape.

But, time went on, and the girl grew older, and moved away to college. She discovered the joys of drunken, over-sung karaoke, and the buzz of cigarettes, and the aesthetic of smoking shisha tabacco from a Hookah, and highly-caffeinated beverages. She found one show to perform in, but amidst the crazy, fun (bad) habits she had formed, and her hectic school schedule, and the lack of voice teacher availability, her voice deteriorated. Her range dropped, and the notes in the rafters that had once been accesable to her were no longer reachable. Her passagio dropped, making her feel as though she was stuck with this voice that was just a bit crippled and sore.

Her dream, however, was still to perform on the big Broad-Way. The girl moved back to Utah, and in preparation for auditioning for the Musical Theatre program at the local university, began attending voice lessons again. It had been years since the girl had taken her vocal chords to the gym, and voice lessons really stretched her and pushed her to try new things. Once she was attending school, her teacher changed a few times, and though she was actively singing again, many of her bad lifestyle habits remained. Her voice began regaining it's strength in small degrees, but the high and ringing range she had once enjoyed was diminished slightly, and she began to wonder if her abilities would always be limited to chorus singing. Because she had never learned to belt, the girl believed her role options would always be limited. She wasn't a belt-singer. And, while not giving up on her dream, she resigned herself to a smaller version of the dream. 

Then one September day, in a voice lesson with the head of her Musical Theatre department, the girl was exploring her voice. She realized her lack of breath support, and how to fix it. She realized her mouth wasn't opening as widely as it could to send her sound to her audience. AND, she realized, that even with a rough passagio that sits precisely where the high-belt range sits, she could belt! And she could belt well. She was a singer with both a high and low register, and a register in the middle. One that could carry and travel and fill a room with sound. One that wasnt as limited as she thought it was.

And she felt invincible. And the pins that she had stuck in her dream to alter it a bit started slipping out, just a bit. She began to realize that the only reason she couldnt sing was because she had told herself so. That if she just accepted herself, and used her body and voice the way it wanted to be used, she could sing whatever she felt like singing, and sing it well.

I can't even begin to tell you how good that made the girl feel....

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

senior/hormone/tired-itis

why is it that whenever i sit down to start doing homework i end up spending hours and hours and hours of time doing mindless internet bullshit?
hmmmm????
 i don't know either.

~

School is terrifying me. 
It's only week four and I don't want to do anything
except go to rehearsal
and sleep
and laugh alot with my friends.
NOT GOOD.
I need to get organized
and on target
and stuff.

ALSO
we did our degree audits today in Jr. Seminar
and I'm terrified as to how I'm going to get the next two semesters done and finished and
yeah.
I really want to be done next December so that I can work for some months
then
audition for a cruise or apply for an internship
and either go sailing and performing
or move to NYC to learn and create and work.
That is what should happen. 
I hope I can make this work.
I should maybe try to focus a bit more.

everything just is scattered in my world right now. even though I still feel more "clicked" into place, as I mentioned in a recent entry, I'm kindof emotionally unstable lately. Up and down and back and forth and all over the charts. It's been kindof abrupt mood-swings too. I'm hoping it's just because I'm dealing with hormones for this week and then I'll be back to normal happy me, but I'm just not sure. I'm trying to focus on the positives.
Xanadu
Roommates
Buster
Friends
if i can keep reminding myself of these four goodnesses, and try to push out the vampires of despair that start to plague me on the regular, then I may be able to focus in on the shit I need to get done. right?
Right.
Time for homework.

Friday, September 9, 2011

*Click*

School, Rehearsals, Work, Friends, Dog, Family, Sleep, Breathe, Bathe....

Somehow in the midst of all that insanity, something clicked today.



I love where I'm at right now.
Surrounded by good people
Settling into a group of friends who I finally feel I can COMPLETELY relate to
Amazing Roommates
School with challenges and opportunities
A show, a regional premiere of a show, that is incredible
Lots of good food lately
Lots of good conversation lately
Voice lessons with Jim, which after two weeks has already been trans-formative
Moving past fighting with myself and trying to just let things happen

I feel as though I belong for the first time in a LOOOOONG time
and It's freeing.


I don't know where I'm going.  There is still alot left to figure out about my future and my life and my relationships and my dreams and opportunities and myself....
but for now, I'm feeling fulfilled and accepted and needed and important and special and included and 

Happy.
which is different
different, but good.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

struggle

Just perpetually fighting with myself, Don't worry.

It's one of those situations where you know the behavior/action/step you're taking isnt the best idea, but you do it anyway because your curiosity is eating away at you.

So I caved. Sent texts to the boy who probably hurt me in the most painful way I've ever been hurt. We're conversing. General conversation mostly, but also about each of us misses the other.

And I feel.... anxious.
and nervous
and angry with myself
and strangely optimistic
and stupid
and relieved
and paranoid
and too expectant
and stuff.

I keep telling myself that it's a bad idea. 
That, even if things could be somehow better/different/whatever, I'm too damn busy to even consider being with ANYONE
much less him.

But a part of me, a bigger part than I've admitted to anyone, really, is dying to know...

so... I'm fighting myself. 
hard.
and smoking more cigarettes than i should
and drinking more beer than i should.
and just... fighting.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Grateful


For my Roommates who Understand everything
For the opportunity to be in a regional premiere of a ridiculously amazing (and hilarious) show (Xanadu).
For the opportunity to be part of a Theatre Program where I belong
For my Buster Brown
For my Mom
For not injuring my ankle too severely
For financial aid
For Coffee
For Jim Christian
For cigarettes and beer
For Katherine Zublin
For being alive


yeah.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Show Show Show Show Show Show Show!!!



Don't worry. In a show. 
Just get to be a muse and stuff. 
:D
Love it.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Suddenly

we're a week into school
i'm stressing about work
i'm behind in at least one class
i've injured myself (yet again)
and i'm exhausted.

Welcome to My Life.

It's going to be one of those semesters. I'm taking:

  • History & Lit of Theatre
  • Modern Dance II
  • Acting for Musical Theatre
  • Stage Costume
  • Junior Seminar
  • Directing I
  • Voice Lessons
  • Flamenco Dance
  • and I have to do at least one Practicum- 45hrs of service to the department
So yeah. This week was Auditions week. Both shows for the semester held auditions, and even though I was only auditioning for one, It stressed my shit out. And then, at Callbacks, I managed to roll my ankle and sprain it pretty severely. Way to screw yourself out of a show, Meg. I've also managed to get behind in my reading for History & Lit already. Directing TERRIFIES me. Like.... legitly makes me want to cry. But everything else I'm super stoked for.

Living with Katrina and Shelby is fantastic. We're all way too perfect for each other. This week, I was talking about using some white duct tape to cover some cardboard we have in our window, and Shelby (who was the only other person home) said:
"Or we could paint it..... purple."
And like two hours later when i was telling Katrina my duct tape plan she said:
"Or we could paint it.... purple."
BRILLIANT.

So yeah. Suddenly we're already back into the swing of things,
 and life is crazy,
and I don't know when I'm going to ever be able to work if I somehow manage to get cast in Xanadu
and I'm super lonely, which is counterproductive to being productive in school.
But whatevs. I've got awesome friends.
and I finally feel like I'm actually a part of the department, not just visiting.
Its a good feeling.
So i'll survive. I'm sure.

Friday, August 5, 2011

A mother's greatest fear.

Okay, I flaunt my baby all the time. Buster is my heart and soul and light and life. It's silly, but I tell people all the time

"I don't need children, I've got a dog."

He's my child, and my everything.

SO, last night when Katrina and I got home from the Twilight Concert Series (lame this week, by the way) right around midnight, and went inside. I was expecting my baby dog to come rushing the door and bursting out into the yard like he always does, but no Buster. First thought, he's sleeping, it was so hot in that house, and we were home late... but he wasn't in his bed, or down in the basement or under any beds or anywhere. Enter- PANIC MODE.  Search our big ass yard in the dark, calling for Buster the whole time. Called my brother to see if anyone had called the house phone (which is the number on his tags), and no one had. Nick drove up, Ally and Tia came over, we drove all over the neighborhood searching for an hour or more. No luck. I'm basically numb and petrified, obviously thinking the worst, remembering that he hadn't eaten yet that day, thinking about how unfamiliar he is with the area since we just moved....

Showering helped, mostly because I sat on the floor and just soaked, let myself cry more. Cried myself to sleep in my empty room. No bueno. Worst empty feeling in the pit of my stomach EVER. Just like all the warm fuzzies that had once existed now no longer existed and everything was dark and cold....
you think i'm exaggerating, not so much. I was a wreck. Woke up from restless dreams about Buster being on the doorstep when I woke up. Checked- no such luck. Had to work at the mall and managed to make it through the shift without crying, mostly. Filed missing dog reports with both animal shelters in the proximity. And waited impatiently for my phone to ring. Also made a flier to post all over town, drove up to the weber county shelter to check in person if he was there.... it was terrible. I then started walking. All over the neighborhood asking anyone who was out in their yards if they had seen my baby. One very nice woman said when she was out running errands she would keep her eye open. Not ten minutes later she found me walking home and said she thought she'd seen Buster and told me to hop in the truck with her and her kids, we'd slowly drive past where she thought she saw him. Incredible. SOOO kind. Unfortunately, no dog in the area she thought, BUT while we were looking my phone rang with an unknown number and an INCREDIBLY kind woman asking if I was the owner of one Buster. :D

This second woman and her daughter had seen buster that morning avoiding traffic on Harrison Boulevard. They tried to get ahold of him but couldn't. Then this afternoon when they spotted him again they pulled over and chased him through yards, because they were afraid he would try to go out on the road again. SO amazing. I cried when she called. Gave her a hug when I picked up my man.... ugh. Such an incredible relief.

I'm pretty sure I saw where the lady and her daughter live, they pulled into a driveway just down from where I met them to pick Buster up. And I remember the house of the wonderful woman who drove me around in her truck on a maybe sighting of my dog. I want to bake them cookies, or take them a gift of some sort. I can't even begin to describe the level of gratitude I feel towards these women. SO GRATEFUL. Ridiculous amounts of gratitude.

Right after we got home, He was so sleepy and hot he got straight in his bed.
I put the fan in my room and pointed it straight at his bed so he could cool off.

He's smelly, and dirty, and gassy- which is unpleasant, but I'm so happy to have him back, smells and all.