there's this guy.

He blew into my life last winter, working at Corbins. We came together quickly, burned real hot, real bright, real fast. And then the flame blew out, faster than it started, and after a little bit of drawn out drama, that was it. I was left with this weird situation of having cared for someone quite a bit, being hurt in a way I'd never hurt before, dealing with emotion I hadn't been quite ready for.

It's been about nine months now, and after having to quite literally grieve a relationship that had been brief but intense, I'm sitting in one of the grief stages and trying desperately to pull myself onward and upward.

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Fourth Stage, welcome home. I've been feeling like something is missing lately. I know things are fine. I'm employed (times2) and I'm good at my jobs. I'm feeling more confident and secure in my skills as a performer. I have incredible friends and a loving family and an adorable doting puppy. I've been financially secure and stable all semester. Xanadu is going to ACTF. Cradle Will Rock is going to be fantastic. Things are good. And yet, I feel empty, i feel like a piece of the puzzle isn't here. I have a suspicion as to what it is, where it's coming from, why I've been so pulled towards a certain guy who briefly was a huge part of my life. He is the root of the problem, I know he is. And I've been trying to get him back into my life in any sort of small way. Using my energies to try and get him to see me. Finally seeing him at the bar, and then constantly thinking of him since then. I realized, last night, in a depressed and inebriated state, that I seem to be the only one making any sort of effort here. And I told him so.

I'm taking a step towards being okay. To trying and feeling whole again. It makes me feel weak to want him, and i hate that. Alot. So i'm going to NOT text him. I'm going to NOT try to arrange meetings. I'm going to NOT keep drinking alone. I'm going to go to work. I'm going to spend time with friends. I'm going to play with my dog. I'm going to go to Disneyland in 9 days. I'm going to try and maybe hang out with that other guy who looks like Josh Groban. I'm going to push through the empty and try and come out on the other side with some sort of handle on my life. And I'm going to be okay with everything. 

At least, I better be okay with everything.