struggle

Just perpetually fighting with myself, Don't worry.

It's one of those situations where you know the behavior/action/step you're taking isnt the best idea, but you do it anyway because your curiosity is eating away at you.

So I caved. Sent texts to the boy who probably hurt me in the most painful way I've ever been hurt. We're conversing. General conversation mostly, but also about each of us misses the other.

And I feel.... anxious.

and nervous

and angry with myself

and strangely optimistic

and stupid

and relieved

and paranoid

and too expectant

and stuff.

I keep telling myself that it's a bad idea. 

That, even if things could be somehow better/different/whatever, I'm too damn busy to even consider being with ANYONE

much less him.

But a part of me, a bigger part than I've admitted to anyone, really, is dying to know...

so... I'm fighting myself. 

hard.

and smoking more cigarettes than i should

and drinking more beer than i should.

and just... fighting.