Spring Cleaning

Woke up with a HUGE knot behind my left shoulder blade. It hurt and I tried to work it out on my own but when driving to work realized I could barely turn my head towards that shoulder without shooting pain down the back of my shoulder. So I got a hold of my friend Bijan who has been learning massage therapy and body-work and he graciously took time out of his day to come and help me out.

During our work on my muscles and stuff he talked about how our bodies like to hold on to stress and tension thinking that they're helping us when in reality they're hurting us. It's important to try and remind our bodies to let things go and not do more harm than good. My shoulder is feeling better, I'm still sore and tight but i'm working through it and trying to let my stresses drift away.

As part of that my plan is to do some emotional and physical spring cleaning.

• My closet and drawers need to be reclaimed. I have clothes hanging and folded that I NEVER TOUCH, never even consider wearing for any occasion. Many of which could probably be sold to Plato's closet or something because they are still cute and in great shape, I just dont wear them.
• My brain needs something to refresh it clean out some anxiety. I need to find some new ways to stimulate myself and clean out some junk that is bogging me down. Finding ways to be honest with myself and open myself up.
• My body is in desperate need of some cleansing. My diet and exercise has been crappy during this rehearsal process, and I think now that we're on the set my body is feeling it even more than normal. I'm upping my water consumption and I'm going to try and be better about buying much more fresh options for snacking and cooking and living. 

Also my house is a disaster area. I'm working so much and rehearsing so much.... good god this place is ridiculous. It'll get there. We open Noises off in a week and that's exciting!!!

Affirmation

• 
  

I am competent. I am capable. I am complete.
Every day is an opportunity to grow and learn.
I am open to life and I am open to growth.
I will focus on the things I can control,and I will take a deep breath and release the things I cannot control.
I am competent. I am capable. I am complete.

Die Vampire, Die.

Silly things get in my brain and sometimes its hard to control the anxiety they cause.

When I finished my degree I had plans and goals of moving out of the state within the year, hoping to escape Utah and expand my horizons as an actor. I thought maybe I'd go back to Florida, then considered LA. I wanted a change, didn't want to get stuck. And then money happened, and life happened. And I decided I should move to Salt Lake. I would be nearer to the theatre opportunities that were most worthwhile, and my closest friends all lived here. And things kept rolling. I changed day-jobs. I've been working as an actor. I'm busy. 

And I don't know what I'm doing.

I am working on my career. I am in a challenging and exciting production of a show. I haven't done a production that I wasn't paid for since graduating from college with a theatre degree. I audition for something fairly regularly, and my new goal is at least one audition a month. I know I am cast-able, and I feel like I am hitting my stride and have started to grow into myself and my 'type.' I feel like I need to gain a few more experiences as an actor in larger roles, I want the opportunity to work with bigger theatres here in the valley, try to earn a few Equity points before embarking on something larger outside the state.

 But I don't know what I'm doing. 

My two best friends are moving before the end of the year. Leaving the state and heading out to pursue bigger things. I am so proud of them both. And I'm so selfishly terrified of what I'm going to do when they're gone. I start to think maybe i'm wrong. Maybe I shouldn't wait. Maybe it's time to go and get out and be scared and challenged somewhere else. 

But there's still the money issue.

And life is still sort of kicking my ass in a lot of ways.

And the thought of letting life kick my ass too far away from a support system is terrifying.

so I don't know what I'm doing.

Art Imitating Life Imitating Art

Noises Off

A meta-theatrical production about a play in rehearsals and in performance.

We are currently in rehearsals and the similarities between us as a cast and the cast within the play are, simply put-

HILARIOUS.

There are characters in the show who have various personality traits which are becoming quite apparent in the actors who are playing them. The moments when our director has to pause and rephrase or wait for one of us (myself included) who is behaving a little too much like their character (without meaning to) is amusing-to say the least. Some of the characters in this play never do manage to quite get their lines right, some are a little vacant and distracted, some often struggle to get their point across, some are hyper involved in all the best/worst gossip and too eager to talk about it. They are characters designed to represent the type of actors a well-meaning director struggles to put up with... and there are moments in rehearsal where I worry that we are all reflecting our art a little too much!

I have to credit our fearless leader, Anne, for dealing up with all of us. She is one of the most patient humans. This show is a monster to put together, and on top of the countless staging and practical difficulties she also has to deal with us actors who are not always the most 'on-the-ball'. But the show is coming along so well, considering what a nightmare it could be. I'm going to lose at least 10 lbs by the time we open, simply because of the amount of time I spend running around in heels during the second act (and we haven't even finished blocking it yet.) I am having the most fun, and being stretched as an actor in ways I haven't before. And the people I get to work with are just the loveliest. I am so grateful for this opportunity, and I can't wait for you all to come see it! 

(there's a link for tickets near the top of my blog. *hint hint*)

The Heart Wants What it Wants

Anyone who has tried to follow this blog, or who knows my history at all, knows I haven't always been the luckiest in my romantic endeavors. I always try not to get too angst-y on here, but I have been known to post some pretty mopey and Eeyore style posts about the state of my heart.

This is not one of those posts.

I mentioned a few posts back that I've been seeing someone. It's been the strangest experience for me to be in this relationship. The list of men (or boys, rather) that I've dated is full of sub-par examples of how a relationship should work. So now, nearly five months into a new romance, I feel like I keep having to pinch myself to prove that this is how I'm supposed to feel.

Sometimes I wonder when the rug's going to get pulled out from underneath me. I question if maybe I'm reading into things too much or putting the cart before the horse with my feelings. And it is usually in these moments of doubt and insecurity that this adorable man of mine appears in one way or another to (unknowingly) prove to me that everything is just fine. Whether it be in a text message, or by turning to kiss me just because, his timing is usually impeccable. And even though we're both crazy busy and making the trek from SLC to Davis County can get a little exhausting at times, he makes it worth it.

When he hugs me my head rests right on his chest in the perfect spot.
He kisses my forehead sometimes and I melt inside.
We watch each other's series on Netflix, and he makes me watch 80's movies I didn't know I needed to see.

He is the easiest human to cuddle with.

We both love Whiskey. And Reds Apple Ale.

He is my motivator when I'm having a rough day.

We both love cheese to an unhealthy degree.

Though he no longer participates, he was once a theatre human and appreciates the commitment I make to my acting jobs.

I am beginning to learn the art of gaming... very slowly... but he's patient.

The nerd-factor is strong with both of us, just in different fandoms.

His hand on my waist, or on the small of my back, feels exactly right.

I've tried not to be the gushy, sappy, lovey-dovey girl that can't talk about anything else other than her new flame. I don't feel like I need to be that girl much, because I think our relationship stands on its own, I don't have to prove much to anyone about who we are as a couple. We're not super 'social-media visible', which hasn't ever been something we've discussed or done on purpose, but I think as a rule it's been a good idea for a number of reasons. For the time being, it's been nice to somewhat keep our relationship to ourselves, and not have to worry about what anyone else may have to say about it. He and I have known each other for years, and for that reason, some mutual acquaintances might raise an eyebrow at us as a couple. There are a few ... interesting ... circumstances surrounding us; circumstances that some people might take issue with. But they are also circumstances that don't affect how we connect and relate to each other, and don't change how we feel towards each other. No matter what the history, this is something good for both of us. I know that for certain.

This supportive, silly, creative, wonderful man is making me a happier, more passionate, more open person. And I'm so incredibly grateful I get to call him mine.