On: Actor Slumps

Since December I've auditioned for 7 different productions

I was called back for 6 of those

and offered roles in exactly.... 0

0 for 7.  A new record for me.

And more than a little disheartening.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that being called back is an accomplishment in itself.

And, as a friend said last night, the fact that I'm getting out there and auditioning so frequently is a big deal.

And, you know, there's all that warm fuzzy stuff about "Probably just not the right time." "Everything for a reason..."

blah

blah

blah

blah

blah

This is the part when the 'Vampires' start to sweep in.

(If you're unfamiliar with these Vampires, See THIS song for reference.)

Mostly they're of the Pygmy variety. 

They show up, swarming around in my brain, toying with my insecurities and screaming falsehoods.
And mostly I can swat them away and ignore them and power through.

But then, just as I start to drift off to sleep, that Vampire of Despair likes to crawl into bed with me, 

and she's a bitch.

She just snuggles right up and whispers sweet nothings about how pointless it all is. She likes to tell me I'm wasting my time, that no one will ever cast me, that its ridiculous to keep trying, that I'm never going to fit anyone's 'type' for any role. Her favorite thing to say is that if it were going to happen, it would've happened already, that I'm obviously not any good, otherwise I'd be getting hired.

... she's the worst.

SO. I just sing a little "Die, Vampire, Die", and try to take the supportive things people say to heart, and I try to prove that stupid Despair Vampire wrong.

As part of my vampire slaying tool-belt, I have some links bookmarked that I find helpful in times like these. One of them is a NY Times article from 1989 by Frank Langella, which is incredible and I highly recommend (find it HERE). 

But today it was THIS article from Backstage.com that banished some of those vampires for me. I've referred back to this piece MANY MANY MANY times, and today it did exactly what it's done before: given me perspective. Very important, that perspective. This was what hit me the most today:

"Having been at this career a while, I don't worry about these brief dips. I think it's part of being an artist. We put our very selves out there, and occasionally, the wind gets knocked out of us. Sometimes, we lose our heart for the battle.(...) But I urge you to also keep in mind another eternal, fundamental truth: More than for most people in most professions, an actor's circumstances can change on a dime, without warning, for the better. (...) What's important -- maybe even necessary for us -- is not to avoid the occasional periods of discouragement but to develop effective habits for riding these ups and downs.

Be gentle with yourselves, actors. This stuff ain't easy."

So. I'm going to try to be gentle with myself, it is my "Be Soft" year after all. I'm going to revise my resume and print some headshots and venture out into the cold, difficult arena of auditions another 7, 12, 43 more times... and I'm not going to stop just because the vampires inside my head tell me to.

Besides- if you throw enough pasta at the wall, eventually something will stick, right? Just gotta keep throwing myself out there.

Honesty

Is such a lonely word.


I've given myself a goal this week of being honest. With myself, primarily, but also with others.
Day one was hard. Admitting certain truths about myself and my emotions made for a rocky emotional ride through my day. But I think it's an important ride. I think it's one that will eventually lead to some sort of healing, or closure, or contentment or.... something different.

I can do hard things. I just have to be okay with the emotions that come along with them.