I'm just fine.

just. fine.

• No one in my family has passed away.
• I am not getting divorced.
• I am not going through a breakup.
• The love of my life isn't halfway across the country stuck on an army base.
• My friends care about me.
• I have a car. A house. A job. An education.
• I'm learning to do the thing I love most in the world.
• I get to go to NYC in 15 days and go to professional theatre productions.
• My dog loves me.
• My family loves me whether or not I disappoint them.
• I am healthy. Weak in some places, but overall- healthy.
• While I am not seeing anyone, I've at least been kissed within the last 6 months.
• I've grown as a performer to a place I never really expected to be. 

so why is it, that despite all these things, these things that prove i'm just fine, why is it i still feel like something isnt right? that something is missing? that everything isn't really just fine?

but really...

Things I love/need to figure out

I love:

• Lists
• My dog snoring
• Naps
• Weekends spent with my baby brother
• Waking up to a fresh cup of coffee poured by the baby brother (who is 12, not a baby)
• The laziest of Sundays
• Dinners with Derek
• Cooking good food
• Rum
• My bed
• Costume Research
• A mostly clean room
• Private Practice Marathons
• Long weekends
• NYC in 3 weeks
• Summer Job Applications

things I need to figure out:

• Why does it bother me that Mike (my ex who i was essentially engaged to) is in a relationship?
• Why I am so unmotivated to finish my choreography?
• Why I am so unmotivated to finish anything?
• Why can't I get over this damn cold?
• Why is putting together a professional resume vs. an acting resume so difficult?
• Why do I want to drink gin so badly?
• Why television is so much more interesting than real life lately?
• Why am I still awake at 3 am?

...

Fast Facts and Where I Am.

1. What was the last movie you saw in the theatre?
   Beauty & The Beast in 3D. Before that was the new Sherlock Holmes Movie
2. What was the last movie you watched at home?
   On Valentines day we watched Clue and Yes Man. Silly movies to keep our minds off being single.
3. Who is your favorite movie star?
   Gahhh. I hate this question. I love Tom Hanks, without a doubt. I also love me some Meryl Streep, Kate Winslet, Leo Dicaprio, Joseph Gordon Levitt, Emma Stone.... so many good actors.
4. What movie can you watch over and over again and not get sick of?
   Ferris Bueller's Day Off, The Princess Bride, The Little Mermaid, Tangled.
5. What movie will you never watch again?
   The Twilight films. Napoleon Dynamite. I have a hard time watching American Beauty for sentimental reasons, but not because it isnt fabulous (it is).

Where I am:

Bought tickets for How I Learned to Drive and Sleep No More in NYC. I leave for the Big Apple in 23 days. Only 23 days. I can survive that. I think.

Cradle Will Rock is coming along. We're in the polishing stages of rehearsals, just running and cleaning and fixing things. Its fun, good for me to be in a creative process with good people. This week, however, has had the weirdest energy. Its been difficult to enjoy pretty much any of it, because there is an energy sucking presence somewhere on campus and everyone seems to be effected by it. I'm hoping that after this long weekend I'll be able to re-apply myself, focus on school and directing and designing and being a motivated creative human again.

This post-KCATF slump though is such a bummer. I've been trying to stop feeling like I'm not important. I've been trying to supress any resentment I have towards my friends and their cute new boys, because I am happy for them and the new developments in their relationship lives. I am. But I'm also so tired of feeling like nothing happens for me. Like i'm stuck in this vacuum of loneliness. Its a self-indulgent feeling, self-centered, and useless. I know these things. And yet... they're still there. Those thoughts of "If i was thinner, had clearer skin, had better hair, more exotic eyes, a bigger voice, a brighter glow..." Those thoughts that make me feel like it's never going to happen for me.  But I mask it, I cover it up with a smile and try to tap into the opposite side of my feelings and let my happiness for them show through.

I'm trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing for the summer. I'm auditioning for XANADU down at the Grand next weekend. If that doesnt pan out I'm not entirely sure what I'll do. Work at Corbin's all summer and do community theatre I guess. If i could get cast in a decent role for All Shook Up at Centerpoint that would be alright. I need parts to boost my resume. So a paying gig or a lead/big-ish role in a show would be ideal. Otherwise I will just work again. All summer. And try not to kill myself from boredom/creative deprivation.

... Just got hit with the 3rd Mike reminder of my day. Weird. Not okay. He's all over in my head today and while I'm not pining for things that arent meant to be, I'm definitely not okay with re-living all these sentimental gems. 

gahhh. 23 days... and counting.

Valentines

Leo Trotsky Thinks I'm Hotsky.

Hilarious.

Fast Facts on a Sunday

I missed Friday. So here's this weeks' fast facts, Valentines style:

1. Do you like Valentines Day?
   Never been my favorite. I've had good and bad years. I'm trying to get to a place where I realize that it's okay to not have someone and that this is a dumb holiday.
2. What is one Valentines Day tradition you have?
   None, really. I worked the last two years in a row. I'm going to maybe try and pick up a shift this week. Other that that... nothing really.
3. Who do you want to be your Valentine?
   Ha. Well, I have a few inappropriate crushes which aren't realistic in the least, so they don't count. But it would be nice to have someone be a secret admirer. 
4. What was the funniest Valentine you ever recieved?
   One year my family sent me a Valentines care package. It had Pajamas, candy, and silly cards from my siblings in it.
5. What do you want to get from your Valentine this year?
   I dont' have one, but I've always loved the idea of being surprised with a nice dinner, flowers, and tickets to the theatre.

KCACTF was ... long. Emotional. Exhausting. Exciting. 

The three performance run of Xanadu on Wednesday was ridiculously fun, like living in a dream. It was tiring, but ideal. I felt like I was at home, exactly where I needed to be. Its days like that when I feel like I'm doing what I'm meant to do, that if I can handle a whole day sequestered in a theatre I'm obviously meant to be an actor. It was thrilling, the crowds loved us, and we were the talk of the festival, it seemed. I was proud to represent Weber with such a lighthearted, joyful show. 

I'm living in this weird emotional slump, again, however. Self-esteem has never been my strong point, and I'm definitely feeling it. I start to wonder sometimes if there is enough about me to stand out, or if I'm just destined to be the third girl from the right in the chorus for the rest of my life. When I feel like this, I tend to shut down, push everything away and hide from the world in my cave of a bedroom. Its been like that for the last few weeks. Katrina said tonight, when I brought it up- "How do we fix it?" And honestly, I don't know. Sometimes I think it fixes itself, at least for a bit. But I always slump back down. 

Gah. Depressing. I promised myself I wouldnt get depressing on my blog anymore, sorry for the vent session. It just kindof happens. 

Fast Fact Friday

1. Do you have/have you ever had a pet?
   If you know me AT ALL you've heard about my dog. Buster Brown is my baby, my love, my life-line, my everything. He's kept me sane for almost two whole years and I don't know what I would do without him.
2. What is your favorite animal?
   I really do love dogs. Dogs, and manatees. Dogs, manatees, and penguins. 
3. What animal scares you the most?
   Guh. Snakes. And Sharks- mostly because their gills freak me out (not the teeth, the gills, i'm weird).
4. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
   Probably a puppy dog. One of those awkward puppies that hasnt really grown into its feet or ears or another body part. Or a pug puppy. Yeah.
5. What is the most exotic animal you've seen before?
   Uh... I've touched a manta-ray at Sea World... ... yeah. thats it.
   

BUSTER. :)

I pulled this short survey from the This Is Me Challenge blog, which i discovered through pinterest. They post these short Fast Fact Friday surveys which seem like a fun idea. So yeah, expect these more often. :)

In other news: We've officially re-mounted Xanadu! Its amazing being back in this world, but also a little surreal. We settled back in like it never even went away and its like being in a dream. A beautiful, bright, glittery dream. Its exhausting, especially because instead of 2 months to build up to it, we had 4 days, but it's incredibly fun, and I'm trilled to be a part of it again. 

KCACTF Starts on Tuesday and on Wednesday we get to do the whole show 3 times in a row, basically.

Exciting and scary.
Mostly fun. :)