The Heart Wants What it Wants

Anyone who has tried to follow this blog, or who knows my history at all, knows I haven't always been the luckiest in my romantic endeavors. I always try not to get too angst-y on here, but I have been known to post some pretty mopey and Eeyore style posts about the state of my heart.

This is not one of those posts.

I mentioned a few posts back that I've been seeing someone. It's been the strangest experience for me to be in this relationship. The list of men (or boys, rather) that I've dated is full of sub-par examples of how a relationship should work. So now, nearly five months into a new romance, I feel like I keep having to pinch myself to prove that this is how I'm supposed to feel.

Sometimes I wonder when the rug's going to get pulled out from underneath me. I question if maybe I'm reading into things too much or putting the cart before the horse with my feelings. And it is usually in these moments of doubt and insecurity that this adorable man of mine appears in one way or another to (unknowingly) prove to me that everything is just fine. Whether it be in a text message, or by turning to kiss me just because, his timing is usually impeccable. And even though we're both crazy busy and making the trek from SLC to Davis County can get a little exhausting at times, he makes it worth it.

When he hugs me my head rests right on his chest in the perfect spot.
He kisses my forehead sometimes and I melt inside.
We watch each other's series on Netflix, and he makes me watch 80's movies I didn't know I needed to see.

He is the easiest human to cuddle with.

We both love Whiskey. And Reds Apple Ale.

He is my motivator when I'm having a rough day.

We both love cheese to an unhealthy degree.

Though he no longer participates, he was once a theatre human and appreciates the commitment I make to my acting jobs.

I am beginning to learn the art of gaming... very slowly... but he's patient.

The nerd-factor is strong with both of us, just in different fandoms.

His hand on my waist, or on the small of my back, feels exactly right.

I've tried not to be the gushy, sappy, lovey-dovey girl that can't talk about anything else other than her new flame. I don't feel like I need to be that girl much, because I think our relationship stands on its own, I don't have to prove much to anyone about who we are as a couple. We're not super 'social-media visible', which hasn't ever been something we've discussed or done on purpose, but I think as a rule it's been a good idea for a number of reasons. For the time being, it's been nice to somewhat keep our relationship to ourselves, and not have to worry about what anyone else may have to say about it. He and I have known each other for years, and for that reason, some mutual acquaintances might raise an eyebrow at us as a couple. There are a few ... interesting ... circumstances surrounding us; circumstances that some people might take issue with. But they are also circumstances that don't affect how we connect and relate to each other, and don't change how we feel towards each other. No matter what the history, this is something good for both of us. I know that for certain.

This supportive, silly, creative, wonderful man is making me a happier, more passionate, more open person. And I'm so incredibly grateful I get to call him mine.

Observations from My Cubicle

• When you work at a job that is not very difficult, it becomes glaringly obvious which of your coworkers are vastly incompetent humans. Especially when they sit across from you and you can see their sub-par work ethic in action.
• Most voice mail boxes will answer after about 30 seconds. If the line rings for more than a minute, it is unlikely that there is an answering service available. 
• Cubicle walls are very thin, and I can hear the guy on the other side of mine watching videos and listening to music all the time. One day he was watching the Defying Gravity Tony's performance. I want to be his friend.
• Do not forget to dial 9-1- before dialing out. Otherwise you dial an extension for someone within the company and don't reach the student at all.
• Rainy days make it harder to be in-office for some reason. I'd rather be in bed.
• I tend to be more productive after 2pm than before 2pm for some reason. 
• Some people have voices that carry from all the way across the office. Like 4 or 5 rows of desks away. 
• These people, with the voices that carry, often look nothing like you expected them to from the way their voice sounds.
• People who pick up the phone and either immediately hang up, or who speak with you for a moment and then hang up boggle my mind. I never realized how rude that was, especially when we're calling with information THEY requested. Also the people who refuse to answer you with anything other than one-word-answers..... what?
• I am the most fidgety human. I never realized how much I dislike sitting in the same place for extended periods of time. My legs are almost always wiggling, or I'm playing with my hair. Something to keep me from falling asleep.
• 15 minutes for lunch is all you really need. But sometimes you REALLY need a full half hour. 
• I function better when there are goals set for me... trying to set my own goals isn't as motivating as trying to achieve something someone else expects me to do.
• Most of the people I talk to are nice enough, but every now and then I speak with someone so delightful that it just makes the whole day worth it. 

Dear Shira,

I can hardly believe it's been a whole three years since the day you found your way out of this world and into another place. So much has happened since you've been gone, but I know you've seen it all. There are times when I can feel you cheering me on, lending your support, daring me to have just one more drink. I'm dating someone incredible now, an Air Force Reserves guy, you'd like his uniform. I'm not ashamed to say I take comfort in the fact that I know you'd approve of him. I still listen to Big River from time to time. And I did a production of Christmas Carol this year and it actually made me miss that INSANE production we did at TCC. My fondness for cheap sunglasses is still so strong. Our picture from the beach with Erin and Juliette is proudly displayed on my mirror in my bedroom. I look at it every day. A friend of mine spent spring break in Portland and hiked Multonomah Falls, all of her pictures brought back memories of us laughing our way up the hill and taking the most ridiculous photos in the psuedo-caves along the mountain side. One day I'm going to go back there and hike it again. And I want to go to the Japanese tea gardens too, one of my all time favorite photos of you and I is from that trip- sitting in the gardens.

You look divine. I look... oh so very young.

I miss you. Some times much more than others. And it seems to be less painful this year than the last two years were... but it's still difficult to believe that you're really gone. I haven't been back to Tallahassee since that time when I was visited you at the hospital in Gainesville- and I don't know when I'll ever make it back there. But whenever I end up in that part of the world again, you better believe I'm coming to see you and fill you in on all the juicy little details of my life. You're the best example of joy and light and vibrancy I've ever had, and all I can hope is that I'm carrying that example forward as best as possible. I love you baby girl. And miss you like madness. Drink a shot for me, because I know you're partying it up wherever you are. <3

Love Always

Me

Being True

I read this quote today on tumblr:

“

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming.

”

       -Rachel C. Lewis, Tell The People You Love That You Love Them 

I read this and suddenly I was feeling all these emotions in my chest. I tend to live in the 'pretending not to care' camp. I'm frequently afraid of seeming needy or clingy or annoying, for whatever reason I'm incredibly terrified that I will push people away with how intensely I feel towards them. This applies to everyone: friends, family, cast members, significant others. I'm not sure where this comes from. I do know that one of my biggest fears is being alone, really truly alone. Somehow in my mind I feel like if I appear to eager or forward about my affections towards a person that they will get scared and pull away. 

But this quote... this quote reminded me how important it is to tell people how you feel, because you never know when they wont be there anymore. Almost three years ago the world lost a beautiful shining example of this when my lovely friend Shira passed away. The day before she left our world I sent a message to one of our mutual friends and asked her to let Shira know that I love her and that I am always thinking of her. I had no idea that she'd be gone the next day, but I am forever grateful that I had the inspiration to make sure she knew that she was important to me. It made coping with her passing just a tiny bit easier. One thing that Shira always did was tell everyone around her how she felt about them. She was the most honest and true human being I've ever known. And it always seems that this time of year I get presented with a reminder of her and her sweet spirit. 

So 

I'm making a 'Shira-resolution' (since my New Years resolution has already been achieved): I'm resolving to be more open and honest and true in all of my relationships. I'm going to tell people how I feel. I'm going to stop censoring my emotions. I'm going to love as openly and freely as possible. I'm going to ensure that the most important people in my world know that they are important, that they are vital, that they are loved. I will send 'reckless' text messages. I will kiss a little too fiercely. I will hug a little too tightly. I will fight through my insecurities and fear and be as true as possible. 

You Betta Werk

One of the perks of my new job is the gym available for employees. Its really more like a workout room with a smattering of equipment, but it's there. And it's free. And I have to walk past it on my way to the parking garage. Which means it's easy to stop in there on my way out after my shift.

SO- since I started at WGU on February 18th I've been attempting to get in 30-45 minutes of exercise at least 3 days a week. I tend to stick with the cardio equipment, I love the elliptical. There's a cross-train program on the machine and it really kicks my ass. I downloaded netflix for my phone and I watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer while I workout and the time flies by. Its nuts how much I miss it over the weekends; and this week I didnt feel so hot on Monday and Tuesday so I skipped out and felt terrible about it.

Early on when I started going in I stepped on the scale they've got near the locker rooms and weighed out at about 165lbs. Last week when I stepped on the scale I was down to 158. I think between packing my lunch most days and getting in some sweat time I'm headed towards actually achieving some weight-loss goals I've been struggling with for years. I've always wanted to drop down below 150, ideally I'd like to rest in the 140-145 range. I need to get brave and venture into the world of weights- I know I'll see better results if I pump a bit of iron. I just have no frame of reference on how to use them completely. I feel like a complete idiot when I try to do free-weights, and the lifting machines seem really limited. But I'll figure it out. I bet Chris could give me some pointers, I just need to stop being a baby and ask for help. :-P

Anyways. I'm loving that I feel better overall. I'm not doing much, but its been enough to make a difference day-to-day, and I'm more aware of what I'm eating and how it makes me feel. I'm hoping that as soon as we start rehearsals for Noises Off I'll be able to keep up physically- it's such a crazy show, and I wasn't in the greatest shape when I got cast. But when we start rehearsing at the end of the month I'll have been doing regular cardio for over a month and hopefully my stamina/endurance will be better. And I'll be able to wear a slimmer fitting costume... :-P