matters of the heart

those who know me. really know me. they know i hold this deep, hopeless romanticism inside me.

i'm the girl who dreams of chance meetings

love at first sight

two perfect halves making one whole.

i daydream about meeting someone in central park

our dogs become best friends

then we become best friends

then fall madly in love and live happily ever after.

but i've also experienced a lot of things that

...

left me jaded.

i've fallen for those guys who are good on paper

but whose reality is less than satisfactory.

its been a hard road, this love-life of mine.

and for the last two years i've remained single.

spent a lot of time figuring myself out

figuring out where certain things went wrong

learning how to handle life on my own.

and i've gotten pretty good at it.

i'm used to being independent and to sleeping alone

and to guarding my heart against the kindof people who won't know how to handle it.

but i've never fully given up hope.

i've continued to dream

and plan

and believe that someone will come along to warm my heart back up

to inspire the kind of joy and laughter and spark that i know i deserve.

and it may be happening.

and its exciting and fun and confusing.

and i'm enjoying how happy i feel.

but i'm also terrified. 

because this time i'm not so foolish

and this time i'm not so young

and this time it feels different.

so what if things go wrong

and then i'm more damaged than i was before?

i'm trying to remind myself to just take it day by day

and things will go the way they are supposed to.

because i'm hopeful

overall, i'm still just

hopeful.

sometimes i think i'm so comfortable with being alone that i'm afraid of letting someone ruin my comfort.

sometimes i think i invest way too much in people who never once asked me to invest in them.

sometimes i wonder if i create situations in my mind. if i take real events and embellish them too much in my brain.

sometimes i miss a voice mail that was potentially a huge opportunity and everyone tells me it means something better is coming but i dont want something better, i want that missed opportunity.

sometimes i listen to cast albums and daydream about being onstage every day for the rest of my life

sometimes i just wish i already lived in florida

sometimes i am obsessive over Josh Groban and i dont care because i legitimately want a man like him.

sometimes i am such a damn clutz and i'm frequently terrified of ruining my career with a fall or a twisted ankle

sometimes i have to remind myself that i'm talented

sometimes i worry that i've crossed the threshold from just single to just pathetic

sometimes i really want to meet Kevin Bacon

sometimes i stop making sense in my own blog posts.

...

sometimes a day can start out completely hopeful and you can get home and crawl into bed feeling so small.

The No Complaining Game.

I've been in the company of some complainers lately.

(well. just one in particular)

I honestly can't tell you how angry it makes me when people can't just be happy with what they have.

Sure there are times when we are uncomfortable, or sad, or whatever.

but what is the point of whining loudly about these things,

when in the grand scheme of our lives, we are so incredibly lucky.

SO.

Today.

and always.

I am Grateful for:

The opportunity to wear an uncomfortable corset with a bruised tailbone and stand under sweltering lights because I would rather be onstage than doing pretty much anything else in the entire world.

For these people who I rarely agree with on many topics, who have the innate ability to drive me completely bonkers, but who I am lucky to call my family because they will always love and support me in whatever I choose to do.

For this place where I spend five days a week, often feeling under-appreciated, while carrying heavy trays full of food to sometimes very ungrateful customers. But, it puts money in my pocket and keeps a roof over my head, gas in my car, and I have met some of the most wonderful people through working here.

For these humans, who are loud and unpredictable, and moody, and occasionally bitchy, but who I cannot imagine my life without. My friends are my extended family, and I would be lost without their daily dose of insanity. 

Life is too short to focus on the little things that make us unhappy. 

So why waste your time, energy, breath, on complaining about something small,

when you can use your energy and talents praising the things in life which make you happiest.

Lets all play a "No Complaining" game this week.

Just give it a try. Anytime you feel like complaining about something little

find something good to talk about instead.

Just for kicks and giggles. See if it works.

I'm gonna try it to, because I'm just as guilty as complaining as the next person.

Scattered

just a taste of the way my brain works right now.

• Scheduling my life between trying to maintain a good reputation at work, behave professionally for CHARM and gearing up for two auditions, Death of a Salesman, working my second job and still working 5 days a week at OliveGarden is.... exhausting. I'm thrilled to be busy though, it means I'm not one of those graduates who get their degree and have no jobs open to them. I'm lucky enough to have a job with a Theatre Company, a paying acting job, and a 'muggle' job waiting tables, which is 3 times as much work as some college graduates have. I'm all over the place, but i'm grateful.
• Men are... confusing. I have feelings for one person, I've been seeing someone else casually, I'm infatuated with a co-worker... and none of it seems to make any sense. I am honestly too busy to really try and worry about dating or a relationship, but it is something I can't help thinking about every damn day. Sometimes I think i'm letting myself settle for something less than I really deserve. But then I wonder if its possible that what I deserve doesnt exist in this circle of people i'm around. Am I supposed to just... wait? Sit here, lonely and anxious, and hope that when I move ( 7 months from now ) something better will show up? IDK, confusing.
• I'm OBSESSED with The West Wing. I grew up watching this show with my mom, and now that the entire series is on Netflix I've re-discovered just how wonderful it really is. I honestly think everyone should watch it. Its smart, witty, intense, driven.... Aaron Sorkin is a goddamn genius and I mean that 100%. Seriously. Give it a shot. 
• I'm auditioning for Les Miserables at Pioneer this week and i'm petrified, but really really stoked at the same time. I've got at great song that loves my voice, and I'm driving down to the audition with Nick Morris, who is good luck, i've decided. I'm also auditioning for Saturday's Voyeur at SLAC next week (as soon as I remember to call for an audition slot). Both are paid, equity level, shows, and either would be a fantastic way to keep this whole "working actor" thing moving forward.
• I'm cutting out negative humans from my life. If you treat me or my friends badly, or generally carry yourself with a negative attitude, please know that I'm not allowing that kindof energy into my life anymore and I will disassociate myself from you. I want to be surrounded with laughter and smiles and joy and honesty and sincerity. I want to know that if i'm having a bad day you will sympathize and help me find the positives in my life, and in return I will do the same for you. It is so much more difficult to be a negative human than a positive one, and I'm picking the easier road.
• The temperature lately is madness. a 4* high for the day is NOT ACCEPTABLE. #ReasonsToMoveToFlorida is my new hashtag for anything winter related. Also, all I want is to cuddle all the time.
• My dog is the cutest. The end.
• I'm panicked about the fact that I wasnt notified about paying some insurance premiums until after my coverage had lapsed, and I'm not sure I was actually covered when I made my emergency room visit.... I'll figure it out but... yikes.
• It is important to remind the people in your life that you love them. Every day. You never know when they will be gone.
• I still havent had a chance to go see Katrina and baby Ingrid, and i'm dying on the inside because of it. Hopefully next week before I get into Salesman rehearsals I'll be able to find a day to make the trip down. I miss my girl, and I'm so excited to meet her beautiful baby. 
• A bruised tailbone is VERY inconvenient. After my New Years Day tumble down the stairs, It's been healing slowly, and I feel like I'm in the most painful part of the healing process. there arent many comfortable ways to sit anymore, so I kindof suck it up and deal. between the tailbone, and the corset wearing, and my heartburn issues, i'm a hot mess. 
• I'm considering joining Anytime Fitness because it is a 24hr gym, which means I could go after rehearsals or at 1am if I can't sleep.... 
• but lately Midnight has been my breaking point for sleeping. My long days with no naps prevent my night-owl habits, which is great.

Goodnight, my friends. 

Feeling the Burn (In a bad way)

Right at the end of last semester I had a week where my entire chest hurt like mad.

It was achey and sore, but internally, not muscularly.

It was insane, and terrible.

and my mother and I finally (self)diagnosed it as 

HEARTBURN

Terrible. So painful.

But i bought some TUMS, popped them like candy for a few days,

and then I was fine. 

I figured "Eh, Stress related"

Because once finals and graduation were over, it didnt come back even once during the holidays.

Well, the bitch is back and with a vengeance this time.

All week I've been having sharp, piercing heartburn right behind my sternum.

Often compounded by the fact that I'm wearing a corset for 3 hours a day in rehearsal.

Its a more concentrated heartburn this time around,

and I'm waking up with Acid Reflux symptoms...

ughh. Terrible.

Anyways. I've decided to take some steps to help it, because carrying a huge thing of Tums in my purse is obnoxious.

I researched some "Heartburn Triggers" as far as food,

Web MD's top ten list is as follows, and I've highlighted the ones that I consume the most of:

1. Citrus
2. Tomatoes
3. Garlic & Onions
4. Spicy Foods
5. Peppermint
6. Fatty foods like Cheese, Nuts & Steak
7. Alcohol
8. Coffee & Caffiene
9. Chocolate
10. Carbonation

ALL BUT TWO THINGS on the list are in my diet fairly regulaly.

annoying.

Health.com also cites Stress, ibuprofin usage, being overweight, and late night snacking as triggers.

This last week was insanely stressful

I've been popping Ibuprofin alot for my bruised tailbone

I'm not overweight, but I'm not at a healthy weight.

and I am the QUEEN of late night snackage.

So basically it should come as NO surprise that I am dealing with this issue.

First Step: 

Stop Eating after 9pm. I'm going to do everything possible to avoid eating that late from now on.

Second Step: 

Control how much of the "trigger foods" i'm consuming. This will be tricky because I LOVE

Tomatoes

 and Coffee

and Garlic 

and Onions 

and Chocolate

and alcohol 

and CHEESE (and bacon and nuts...)

but if it means no more piercing, burning pain... worth it. 

Third Step:
Be more active and work on dropping some LBs. 

Its one of my goals to lose 25 by the summer, so It's time to get to work.

Fourth Step:

BREATHE deeply and try to remember 

that unless it is a life-threatening situation, it isn't worth stressing about.

I'm also getting back on an OTC acid reflux pill that I started taking a while back.

...And carrying Tums with me EVERYWHERE

just in case.