"Tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef, that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't ****** scared of him."

Here is the deal.

If we are friends

that is-

if I make a point to say hello to you in the halls at school

if i give you a hug, or a smile,

or i even happen to *like* your status on FB or photo on INSTAGRAM.

if we are friends to any degree

this is not a mistake.

I don't keep people in my life who are not people i enjoy.

but here's the thing.

i can't be friends with everyone all at the same time.

no one can.

there are groups of these 5 people

and these 10 people

and these 3 people

and each group, big or small, is important to me

but not all the same people fall into all the same categories.

so sometimes i hang out with group A, and sometimes group B, and sometimes just a handfull of random people from both groups A & B.

If you are feeling like I exclude you from my life

TALK TO ME
I can't fix something if I don't know its a problem.

If you have had your feelings hurt by something I have done, lemme know.

We are adults. I don't spend my time with people who arent.

So be an adult and let me know you're upset

and I'll do what I can to fix it.

If you want to party with me

LEMME KNOW

shoot me a text, a phone call... something.

and If i don't reply,

don't take it personally.

i'm sure we can find another time to party.

I'm a grownup

Looking to be surrounded by other grownups

Who are secure enough in themselves to not be offended if they arent invited to something.

Because we can't all be invited to everything.

I'm not the kindof person to exclude people on purpose.

But I am the kindof person who only spends time around the people who will make me the happiest.

And if we've ever spent any time together in any capacity, you're probably one of those people.

So just take a breather.

I'm not anyone's enemy

I'm not out to hurt feelings.

I'm just looking to be a happy, positive, open-hearted human.

And that's all I'm going to keep working towards.

Emotions

Sometimes I have moments of overwhelming "WHAAAAAHHH???!!!??" Less and less often lately, but they still happen. The melancholy and the watery eyes and the defeatism creep in. This morning was one of those times. I decided to take a dose of my own advice and talk to someone, so I sent my incredible roommate a text and talked it out a bit. It took our text chat this morning, and chatting with another friend at work, and then more roomie talk tonight, for me to realize that what I was feeling about certain situations weren't big problems.

I have been happy lately. So much more consistently happy than I've been maybe ever. I am surrounded by INCREDIBLE humans who love me and who bring out the absolute best in me. I was so very privileged to be a part of a play that was magical, inspiring, and challenging to work on. It was an amazing way to end my performance career at WSU, and while the thought of not performing at Weber anymore is strange, I'm glad I had the experiences I did, and I'm ready to move forward. I live in a pretty decent house, with great house-mates, the most adorable dog. My family is supportive, loving, silly, and amazing. I am healthy. I am getting a college degree in two months. I am lucky. Very, Very Lucky. and Very Very Blessed.

So when I have a day such as this one, where I feel defeated and overwhelmed with negativity, and I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and cry, I have to take a step back and examine the situation. It takes a different perspective on what has been happening in my life, and when I realized that certain events, while not making me sad, didn't exactly make me happy, that's when I knew.

Life is too fun and bright and beautiful to settle. Choosing someone or something just because you're feeling like there aren't other options isn't the way to do it. I'm getting ready to embark on an exciting new path. I'm getting my degree and making plans to get the heck out of dodge and do something new. I'm hitting my stride, and I don't need "potentials" and "maybes" and "i guess so's" getting in my way. I can do this on my own, and eventually there will be someone else who's stride matches mine and we'll just move forward together. It will happen. I just have to focus on me so that it can.

Diagnosis: Senioritis

Perscription: ....?

There are officially 65 days till graduation.

That's TWO MONTHS.

Which is not very long at all.

I have been signed off by my adviser. 

I have applied for graduation and payed my fees.

Now all I have to do is pass all my classes.

Which wouldn't be hard,

except....

I just don't want to do ANYTHING school related.

Not write papers, not draw sketches, not journal about yoga.

nothing.

nothing.

nothing.

Laying in my bed and watching netflix and sleeping and eating.
Drinking beer/wine, spending time with the coolest people I know.

Those are things I want to do.

Somehow I will be stronger than this Senioritis.

I need a shot of motivation, right in the arm, something to kickstart me back to getting-shit-done land.

Tips?

Tricks?

Suggestions?

HELP!!!

This is what it's about.

I work very hard at what I do. I have this ache, this passion, to be a performer. I want to sing, act, and attempt to dance my way to a blissful life. I base 90% of my decisions on this need. I buy clothing that I can either wear to a dance class/rehearsal or audition. I try and eat/drink responsibly in order to keep my instrument working properly. I even got a job with a company who can transfer me to more lucrative theatre cities when the time comes, and who can be flexible with rehearsal/tech schedules. I chose to get tattoos, but I chose tattoos that would very rarely be a problem for theatrical productions/auditions/jobs. I've adjusted my attitude on life to be one that puts the world in a positive light, making it easier to connect to people onstage and off. I take what I do seriously, it's an uphill climb every day, but its one that I love and appreciate.

Therefore, it is hard for me, when I'm working so hard to be a positive, responsible, focused actor to have even one person seem to take what we do lightly. And when I'm running on very little sleep (due to theatre related homework), and wearing a corset and an incredibly tight wig, it's likely that any ounce of pretentiousness, conceitedness, ignorance, apathy, etc., will thoroughly frustrate me.

It is in these moments that I am grateful for other responsible, focused, passionate, gracious, aware, caring theatre people who surround me. I am grateful to know that I've built a close circle of brilliant actors, technicians, friends, who are always there to remind me that tomorrow is another day, and that my frustrations are not without merit.

Tonight those people included Shawnee, Karrie, Ashley, Maddie, Kelsie, Trevor, Trent, Shelby. They are just a few of the professional, loving humans that I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow things will look alright. Tomorrow I will still be kind, important, and driven. Tomorrow will be great.

Simple

School started up just about a month ago and things have been chugging right along. Classes, rehearsals, seeing shows, auditioning for shows, homework, friends.... it's all just sailing by. I can't believe we open CHARM in two weeks. I graduate with my bachelors degree in just 86 days (including weekends and holidays...but who's counting?). Nothing is taking its time about this semester, and I'm pretty okay with that. I've been feeling so content, peaceful, adjusted... it's a pretty sweet change. And I'm pretty sure it was all to do with some major things that got put into perspective over the summer.

Some of my dearest friends had a pretty taxing summer break: Illnesses, breakups, family rifts, addiction problems, the works.

But it was inspiring to watch these incredible friends of mine deal with their struggles in such a strong and mature way. Sure it was tough, sure people had breakdowns and got lost on the way, but everyone is landing on their feet and proving that it takes a lot more than whatever life threw at them to knock them out.

SO

I decided that for this school year I wanted to focus on proving to myself that I could handle the hard-knocks life was going to throw at me. I can take care of myself.

I also wanted to focus less on other people and what their business was.
I wanted to be fully involved in my own life, and I wanted to be there for my friends but also take the time to care for myself and be healthy and happy. So I approached this semester with an outlook of positivity. I wanted to look at the bright side of things, avoid gossiping about people, spend quality time with the people I love. This little mantra hangs on the wall in our living room:

I've decided to be, at the very least, an Average mind. And I aspire to be a Great mind. It takes work, and I'm not 100% there yet, but even just keeping the idea in the back of my head has made a huge difference.

ALSO- I'm chosing to be happy. I laugh. I play. I stay involved. I do the things I want to do. I make a concious decision to be an 'up' person. 

That's all it takes. Finding the joy in the little things, worrying less about the small stuff and trusting that the big stuff will end up as it should. Watching some of my closest friends struggle with some pretty huge life stuff this summer has made me realize just how important it is to treasure what we have, and know that those day-to-day worries are tiny in the grand scheme of things. And that, unless a life is on the line, those 'stressful' events aren't really all that bad.

such a 

Simple Idea

has such

Grand Side-Effects

and it's 

Simply Wonderful.