This is a story about Breaking Through- Part 2

This semester is basically my Breaking Through story.

This week has been the most exhausting week EVER.

EVER.

I mean, hell week is supposed to happen the week before a show opens

not the week after. 

But, with auditions and callbacks for the spring shows

and homework

and trying to figure out how the HELL i'm going to get in all the rehearsals I need for Directing

Life is kindof crazy.

BUT, 

amidst all the insanity, there is something weird happening.

I got called back for Moll.

One of the main roles in Cradle Will Rock

and i was called back with people whose voices are NOTHING like mine.

which opened a door in my head:

Just because you arent a 'Maddie' or a "Rachel' or a 'Becca'

doesnt mean you arent as valid or talented or right for a role.

In fact

It may make you more right for a role.

And the fact that I WANT that role, kindof gives me an edge.

and I fought. FOUGHT FOUGHT FOUGHT

my way through that callback.

And it may not be me, but

at least I gave it EVERYTHING I had,

and I know that I'm right for the part

even if I'm not right for the production

and I know that I need to stop under-rating myself.

I'm better than I give myself credit for, I think.

And it's time to start believing that, truely.

Voice lessons, yet again, held more breakthrough moments

I was singing over my bridge like it never existed today.

Jim kept looking at me like I was someone he'd never seen

and that feels good.

no, not good

GREAT.

AMAZING.

and I think that I'm finally getting to a point where I feel like I deserve more

More than I've been letting myself have

More than I've been letting myself believe in.

and Its liberating.

And terrifying

but Incredible.

...

and I'm gushing.

but I just...

for once it feels like maybe I'm not fooling myself

Maybe I am good enough to make this happen

to live the dream

to be happy and successful.

And its insane, but wonderful

and perfect

and ugh... just right.

To love someone, and to create art; That is XANADU!

I love my cast family:

Every day I get to create something wonderful with this AMAZING cast of Xanadu. Unfortunately my pictures with the boys are limited as of now- that will change this week. 

We've had three INCREDIBLE performances of our show, with 12 more to go, and I couldn't be more excited to get back into it. Two days off was lovely to get caught up on my life a bit, but I'm itching to get back into costume and hair and makeup and make some magic on that ridiculously cool stage. Every night we're creating a hilarious, beautiful, full of heart show that we get to share with our audiences. We've been blessed with fantastic crowds, and it's amazing to hear them laugh the entire way through the show, beginning to end. Not one person leaves the theatre without a smile on their face, and it's wonderful to be able to give that to people. THIS is why I love theatre. THIS is why I do what I do. THIS is what makes me a functioning being. THIS is how I plan on living the rest of my life, and that thrills me.

As of late

It's been a hot second since I've blogged.

But that's because I'm busy beyond belief

In the last two weeks:

> Finished an analysis of The Heidi Chronicles> Participated in my dear friend Karmon's wedding (pictures soon!)
>Finished my Stage costume class
>Rehearsals 5 nights a week
>Working at least One shift a week @ Corbins/Caffe Cafe
>Held auditions for directing I scenes
>cleaned my room (i've been able to see 85% of my floor for a whole week)
>Over-extended my ankle, and realized the same day that I don't have a choice: I HAVE to open this show in two weeks (cont. later)
> Been on a ridiculous emotional roller coaster
>Fall break, which wasnt really a break
> History and Lit midterm taken and (hopefully) passed

And you know, I've been trying to breathe and eat and sleep and not freak out at anyone

All while being incredibly emotional about EVERYTHING because I'm a girl and thats what we do.

So I'm re-focusing a bit this week
I've caught up with myself a bit
and It's time to get organized

and feel better about myself and life

and not procrastinate everything

and this week will be simple as compared to last week/next week

so I'm taking advantage of it.

Step 1:

HYDRATION/CLEANSE

Saw this on pinterest and thought I could give it a shot.
It's kindof a body cleanse/hydration challenge for me

Jim Christian sortof dared me to stop drinking coffee

ugh. hard. 

So, while i'm trying to work on that I can use this drink thing to help me consume more water and maybe drop some of the water retention i've got.

Even if it doesnt drop 5lbs of water weight, at least I'll be hydrated

and it actually tastes pretty good.

Step 2:

POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS

Last Thursday as we left for class and I was feeling overwhelmed

Katrina said- "It's going to be a good day"

and i halfheartedly agreed.

she said- "no, say it like you mean it."

So i did.

and then it was a good day.

a really good day.

and I think it's worth a shot.

Step 3: 

BE ACTIVE

My ankle has been halfway holding me back.

I go all out on everything but skating at rehearsal

I walk around all day sans limp

I work full shifts at both jobs on my feet

but I havent started skating

and I've been avoiding moving in Modern class

and I need to stop babying it so much I think,

while still taking it easy I can start building up strength

PLUS

I'm so not ready for this show, fitness wise

My stamina is terrible, and not gonna cut it.

Two weeks folks.

I have to be show run worthy by November 4th

See- My grandparents spend the winter in Yuma, AZ

and they generally leave this week, or the week before halloween

but they postponed their trip so they could come see me on Opening night.

SOOO- despite the fact that I have a perfectly adorable swing who could do the show if my ankle wasnt ready

I HAVE to do opening night. 

no choice. 

here we go.

Step 4:

EVERYTHING ELSE

I want to keep my room clean

I want to eat better, cook more at home

I want to manage my money much better

I want to take Buster for a walk at least twice a week

I want to keep up with my History & Lit study guides

I want to lose ten pounds by Christmas

that's all. <3

oh, you know

i just bottle

and bottle

and bottle

and then.....

breaking point?

think i'm there.

that breakdown i mentioned?

yeah.

oh boy.

on relationships

Relationships have been on the brain lately.

Some good friends of mine broke up recently, and I've had both of them on my mind, because I know how hard it is for a long term relationship to suddenly cease to exist.

In the midst of all these thoughts, I realized

I have been single for 7 months.

That's the longest single stretch I've had in over two years.

Mike and I got together in April of '08 and broke up July '09

Then Brandon and I had July '09-September '09

James, Feb '10- July '10

Aaron, Nov '10-Dec'10

Roki, Jan '10- March'10

....

Yeah. The biggest gap since April of 2008 has been 5 months, and I've surpassed that by two.

Which, I keep telling myself, isn't a bad thing.
I shouldnt need to be with someone to feel whole.

I know I should be able to feel like a complete, functioning individual on my own.

I don't need a boy. 

But I want one.

Flip side of that-

I'm not really interested in anyone right now.

Really. 

Which means I revert to old boys.

Not healthy.

And yeah. Blah.

So, I'm kindof a mess.

like

90% of the time

but you'd never know it.

But I can bet you,

by the end of November, 

This girl will have had a breakdown.

Just you wait, Henry Higgins, Just you wait.