Being True

I read this quote today on tumblr:

“

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming.

”

       -Rachel C. Lewis, Tell The People You Love That You Love Them 

I read this and suddenly I was feeling all these emotions in my chest. I tend to live in the 'pretending not to care' camp. I'm frequently afraid of seeming needy or clingy or annoying, for whatever reason I'm incredibly terrified that I will push people away with how intensely I feel towards them. This applies to everyone: friends, family, cast members, significant others. I'm not sure where this comes from. I do know that one of my biggest fears is being alone, really truly alone. Somehow in my mind I feel like if I appear to eager or forward about my affections towards a person that they will get scared and pull away. 

But this quote... this quote reminded me how important it is to tell people how you feel, because you never know when they wont be there anymore. Almost three years ago the world lost a beautiful shining example of this when my lovely friend Shira passed away. The day before she left our world I sent a message to one of our mutual friends and asked her to let Shira know that I love her and that I am always thinking of her. I had no idea that she'd be gone the next day, but I am forever grateful that I had the inspiration to make sure she knew that she was important to me. It made coping with her passing just a tiny bit easier. One thing that Shira always did was tell everyone around her how she felt about them. She was the most honest and true human being I've ever known. And it always seems that this time of year I get presented with a reminder of her and her sweet spirit. 

So 

I'm making a 'Shira-resolution' (since my New Years resolution has already been achieved): I'm resolving to be more open and honest and true in all of my relationships. I'm going to tell people how I feel. I'm going to stop censoring my emotions. I'm going to love as openly and freely as possible. I'm going to ensure that the most important people in my world know that they are important, that they are vital, that they are loved. I will send 'reckless' text messages. I will kiss a little too fiercely. I will hug a little too tightly. I will fight through my insecurities and fear and be as true as possible.