The Power of Three.

I have lots of incredible friends.
I mean, lots.
I'm very lucky in that way.

But there's this connection between myself and these two that is something else.

You know how you have those friends who you just never get tired of being around.

Ever?

Shelb and Tan are those friends.

It's just easy to be friends with them.

Its one of those things where you don't have to pretend to be anything other than yourself

and you just have a grand ol' time hanging out together. No matter what.

Also, I have no idea why we always end up in that order for pictures... 

But apparently that's our thing. 

So so grateful for Shelby and Tanner in my life.

Just so you know

Ovarian Cysts are the Pits.

Yesterday I went through the absolute worst pain of my life.

Woke up at 5am with the worst stomach cramps ever.

I thought it was just a really bad gas bubble, or food poisoning or something.

But after 4 hours of unrelenting pain I couldn't take it anymore.

My brother drove up and took me to the clinic on campus,

where they did a brief physical exam and decided to send me to the ER.

The nurse at Weber suspected it was my gallbladder.

Made it to the hospital, trying to take deep cleansing breaths through the pain

but by the time I made it to my room and got into my hospital gown the pain was worse

I remember answering questions for the doctor and nurse,

I remember them putting in the IV

but mostly I remember my whole body shaking because i hurt so bad.

And the nurse telling me to not hyperventilate, I wasn't breathing because I hurt so badly.

Once the pain-meds and anti-nausea meds hit my system I was able to focus a bit more.

I made small-talk with the nurse who took me to my ultra-sound.

The ultrasound showed no signs of gallbladder distress, but didn't give any indication as to what was causing my pain.

So they sent me down for a CT-Scan.

I was able to joke with those nurses and survived the weird way the dye they put in my blood made me feel.

after my CT my pain increased a bit, but that was because they had to take out my IV to put in the contrast dye for my CT.

Finally, after my meds were back in my system,

and watching two episodes of CASTLE with my brother and dozing in and out

(my meds made me sleepy)

The doctor came in to tell me it was an ovarian cyst that had burst

and that I could go home.

...

and that was it. 

They prescribed me some Hydrocodone & Extra Strength IBuprofin.

And sent me on my way. 

I got to stay at my moms last night & today to recover.

Doctor's note excused me from working today.

My tummy is still a bit tender, but I feel just fine now

Even though I feel like sleeping constantly still, which i think is just my body repairing itself.

I'll be back in class tomorrow, good as new.

And praying that I never ever ever have to feel that way again.

Here goes: a woman's semi-political rant.

I hate politics. 

Hate them. 

I have my opinions.

I know what I feel is right, and who I think should be leading our country

and I generally leave it at that.

I keep my opinions to myself and let everyone else have their opinions.

That's what our country was based on

the idea that everyone is free to choose what to believe,

free from the oppression of a domineering system.

BUT

today, when i learned that someone very dear to me is voting for 'the other guy'

i became very upset.

i usually am not upset by things like this

my parents and i have different political beliefs and it bothers me very little.

but today...

...

this is what i have to say:

Just over a year ago I found myself in a very tricky situation.

I had to take a step back and examine some incredibly difficult options and make a choice.

NONE of the choices would have been easy to make,

all of the possible outcomes were negative, in my eyes,

and I had to pick the one that would, in the long run, be the least painful and most beneficial to myself.

The choice I made was one that a vast majority of people would not have picked,

but for me

it was the right choice.

My choice.

Running for President are two candidates.

I took the time today to verify some facts about each candidate's positions specifically regarding Me and My Choices.

and this is what i found:

Candidate 1: Aiming to continue legislation that requires health insurance to cover women's preventative care (such as cancer screening) and birth-control. He supports a woman's right to make her own decisions and encourages counsel between women and their doctor when important matters are concerned. He believes that no matter your personal values (religious or otherwise) no one person should limit the choices of others whose values may be different from their own.

Candidate 2: Aiming to repeal existing legislation that would allow health providers and employers to limit women's access to care and birth-control. He also believes in eliminated non-profit organizations such as Planned Parenthood, and repealing Roe v. Wade, limiting a woman's personal right to make a choice on her own. He believes that personal values should affect a person's choices (which I don't disagree with), but he also believes that employers and health care providers should be allowed to prevent those whose values are different from making choices.

I pulled information from each candidate's webpage for this comparison, trying not to put a bias on either one, and trying to focus strictly on their platforms concerning Women and their rights.

I'm sure, though, it's clear which candidate I support.

My bias un-avoidably crept into my analysis.

But the main idea I wanted to highlight was: 

one candidate believes in continuing to allow women to make their own choices.

and 

one candidate believes that women's choices should be limited by the government.

(and ps- i know the 'values' that candidate 2 has. i was raised with the same religious background.

a religious background that believes in free-will, and in loving everyone, and that it is not our place to judge those whose lives are alternative to our own.

His religion, at it's core, believes that those who do not follow it's teachings will be judged by The Creator when their time comes and that it is not our place to 'cast the first stone' or condemn those whose 'sins' are different from ours.

His platform regarding women seems a bit counter-intuitive to me, when looked at under this religious lens.)

When I had to make that difficult choice a year ago I was supported by a handful of my very close friends.

One of whom I mentioned earlier.

This friend literally held my hand the whole time.

And ensured me that she didn't think I made a bad choice,

whether or not it would've been what she chose.

I respect your right (and hers) to support whichever candidate you like

but when one candidate believes that I shouldn't have been allowed to even consider my choice,

believes that i should be ashamed of my choice

and regret the decision i made....

I do not respect that.

Nor do I respect the thought that, if elected, this candidate will take away more of my options-

my ability to chose anything. 

This is a country based on the ideas of freedom.
Everyone free to choose to pursue Life, Liberty, and Happiness.
If I hadn't had the ability to make all of the choices I've made in my life
I would not be headed on the bright and beautiful path towards happiness.
And while my choice was hard, and I still wish I'd never had to make it
I do not regret anything I've ever done with my life.

So it boils down to this.

I am a woman. I am smart, I am kind, I am a good human.
I believe in love, and in being good to people.

And I believe in preserving the rights I am entitled to as a human.

The right to health-care, and the right to choose for myself how to live my life.

I want my sister to be able to grow up in a country where she'll be able to learn and grow and have the ability to choose her own path, whatever that may be.

I'll stop. This is long. And a bit... emotionally charged.

I'm not looking for support or arguments.

I just needed to get some feelings off my chest.

If you stuck around this long, Thanks for your attention.

Here are links to the pages I referenced for my analysis on each candidate:
http://www.barackobama.com/womens-issues?source=primary-nav

http://www.mittromney.com/issues/values

"Tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef, that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't ****** scared of him."

Here is the deal.

If we are friends

that is-

if I make a point to say hello to you in the halls at school

if i give you a hug, or a smile,

or i even happen to *like* your status on FB or photo on INSTAGRAM.

if we are friends to any degree

this is not a mistake.

I don't keep people in my life who are not people i enjoy.

but here's the thing.

i can't be friends with everyone all at the same time.

no one can.

there are groups of these 5 people

and these 10 people

and these 3 people

and each group, big or small, is important to me

but not all the same people fall into all the same categories.

so sometimes i hang out with group A, and sometimes group B, and sometimes just a handfull of random people from both groups A & B.

If you are feeling like I exclude you from my life

TALK TO ME
I can't fix something if I don't know its a problem.

If you have had your feelings hurt by something I have done, lemme know.

We are adults. I don't spend my time with people who arent.

So be an adult and let me know you're upset

and I'll do what I can to fix it.

If you want to party with me

LEMME KNOW

shoot me a text, a phone call... something.

and If i don't reply,

don't take it personally.

i'm sure we can find another time to party.

I'm a grownup

Looking to be surrounded by other grownups

Who are secure enough in themselves to not be offended if they arent invited to something.

Because we can't all be invited to everything.

I'm not the kindof person to exclude people on purpose.

But I am the kindof person who only spends time around the people who will make me the happiest.

And if we've ever spent any time together in any capacity, you're probably one of those people.

So just take a breather.

I'm not anyone's enemy

I'm not out to hurt feelings.

I'm just looking to be a happy, positive, open-hearted human.

And that's all I'm going to keep working towards.

Emotions

Sometimes I have moments of overwhelming "WHAAAAAHHH???!!!??" Less and less often lately, but they still happen. The melancholy and the watery eyes and the defeatism creep in. This morning was one of those times. I decided to take a dose of my own advice and talk to someone, so I sent my incredible roommate a text and talked it out a bit. It took our text chat this morning, and chatting with another friend at work, and then more roomie talk tonight, for me to realize that what I was feeling about certain situations weren't big problems.

I have been happy lately. So much more consistently happy than I've been maybe ever. I am surrounded by INCREDIBLE humans who love me and who bring out the absolute best in me. I was so very privileged to be a part of a play that was magical, inspiring, and challenging to work on. It was an amazing way to end my performance career at WSU, and while the thought of not performing at Weber anymore is strange, I'm glad I had the experiences I did, and I'm ready to move forward. I live in a pretty decent house, with great house-mates, the most adorable dog. My family is supportive, loving, silly, and amazing. I am healthy. I am getting a college degree in two months. I am lucky. Very, Very Lucky. and Very Very Blessed.

So when I have a day such as this one, where I feel defeated and overwhelmed with negativity, and I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and cry, I have to take a step back and examine the situation. It takes a different perspective on what has been happening in my life, and when I realized that certain events, while not making me sad, didn't exactly make me happy, that's when I knew.

Life is too fun and bright and beautiful to settle. Choosing someone or something just because you're feeling like there aren't other options isn't the way to do it. I'm getting ready to embark on an exciting new path. I'm getting my degree and making plans to get the heck out of dodge and do something new. I'm hitting my stride, and I don't need "potentials" and "maybes" and "i guess so's" getting in my way. I can do this on my own, and eventually there will be someone else who's stride matches mine and we'll just move forward together. It will happen. I just have to focus on me so that it can.

Diagnosis: Senioritis

Perscription: ....?

There are officially 65 days till graduation.

That's TWO MONTHS.

Which is not very long at all.

I have been signed off by my adviser. 

I have applied for graduation and payed my fees.

Now all I have to do is pass all my classes.

Which wouldn't be hard,

except....

I just don't want to do ANYTHING school related.

Not write papers, not draw sketches, not journal about yoga.

nothing.

nothing.

nothing.

Laying in my bed and watching netflix and sleeping and eating.
Drinking beer/wine, spending time with the coolest people I know.

Those are things I want to do.

Somehow I will be stronger than this Senioritis.

I need a shot of motivation, right in the arm, something to kickstart me back to getting-shit-done land.

Tips?

Tricks?

Suggestions?

HELP!!!

This is what it's about.

I work very hard at what I do. I have this ache, this passion, to be a performer. I want to sing, act, and attempt to dance my way to a blissful life. I base 90% of my decisions on this need. I buy clothing that I can either wear to a dance class/rehearsal or audition. I try and eat/drink responsibly in order to keep my instrument working properly. I even got a job with a company who can transfer me to more lucrative theatre cities when the time comes, and who can be flexible with rehearsal/tech schedules. I chose to get tattoos, but I chose tattoos that would very rarely be a problem for theatrical productions/auditions/jobs. I've adjusted my attitude on life to be one that puts the world in a positive light, making it easier to connect to people onstage and off. I take what I do seriously, it's an uphill climb every day, but its one that I love and appreciate.

Therefore, it is hard for me, when I'm working so hard to be a positive, responsible, focused actor to have even one person seem to take what we do lightly. And when I'm running on very little sleep (due to theatre related homework), and wearing a corset and an incredibly tight wig, it's likely that any ounce of pretentiousness, conceitedness, ignorance, apathy, etc., will thoroughly frustrate me.

It is in these moments that I am grateful for other responsible, focused, passionate, gracious, aware, caring theatre people who surround me. I am grateful to know that I've built a close circle of brilliant actors, technicians, friends, who are always there to remind me that tomorrow is another day, and that my frustrations are not without merit.

Tonight those people included Shawnee, Karrie, Ashley, Maddie, Kelsie, Trevor, Trent, Shelby. They are just a few of the professional, loving humans that I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow things will look alright. Tomorrow I will still be kind, important, and driven. Tomorrow will be great.