Tattoo: in memoriam. Also, other stuff.

Shira and I at the national Jr. College forensics tournament in 2009.
We were roommates on that trip to Portland, and we were awesome. :)

Some of you know, some don't, about my dear friend Shira who passed away this year. I knew her from Tallahassee where we performed in shows and competed together on the forensics team. Shira had an auto-immune disease called Scleroderma which causes the tissue in your body to harden from the outside in. The disease eventually began attacking her lungs, and while she was on the transplant list, she was unfortunately unable to recieve a transplant before things got too desperate. She passed on March 19th, and even though I hadn't seen her in over a year at that point, I still miss her every day. Shira was one of the strongest people I knew, and she fought till the very end to maintain a positive outlook on life. She was a standup comic, an incredible actress, and one of the most genuinely nice people I've ever known.

The day that Shira passed away I decided I wanted to get a tattoo in her honor. Her name means Song-Bird, and i've toyed with several different images, even had a tattoo artist sketch something for me, but nothing struck me as perfect until just a few days ago.

I found this image while trolling my tumblr dashboard. I followed the credit links to a Flickr page and then to the artist's blogspot page (Lovely Sweet William is the blog it was originally posted on). I've commented on the original blog post asking the artist's permission to modify the piece slightly for my Shira tattoo, because THIS bird is perfect. I want to simplify the "song" the bird is singing, and instead of there being a color wheel behind the bird, I'd like to put color into the "song". Its lovely, and, if the artist doesnt mind, I'll be taking it to my friend who does tattoos and asking him to help me perfect it for my skin.

I'm all emotionally lately. And all I want to do is get tattooed. Seriously. It's been almost two years since my last one and I'm all itchy for ink.

We're moving TOMORROW, to our cute little new house which is just about 10 minutes north of campus.

I'm really looking forward to not living in the house we've been in. I hate this house, and our new house is so pretty and clean and full of no memories yet. It needs to be a clean slate, and I'm hoping it'll help me process some emotions I havent fully dealt with yet. Its been a long year so far, and We're only just halfway through. 

I need:

• new friends:
  i have amazing friends, talented, funny, entertaining, intelligent friends. but the ones i know i can trust and count on and who wont behave like 14yr old children when it comes to life and maturity can fit in maybe one or two hands. My Shelby, Katrina, Landon, Tia, Randall, Mikell, Lydia, Cheyvonne, Sara, Collette.... that's 10, and 5 of them don't live anywhere near me. I need to widen my circle of people worth knowing. People who will have my back and know what's appropriate and will behave like the adults we are supposed to be.... 
• a new car:
  scariest moment of my life tonight. Driving down Harrison towards 89 on my way to work at Corbin's i realize i'm driving a bit fast so i lift my foot of the gas pedal, and the car continues to accelerate. Pressing the gas was difficult because the engine just continued to rev and resist the pressure of the brakes on my tires. I was panicking, and just at that moment my mother called, i'm sure with something completely unrelated to discuss, and was able to coach me into pulling off the side of the road and getting the car stopped. When in neutral and park the engine just revs uncontrollably, and when in gear it just motors the car forward. It was too late to get the car to my mechanic, but I have the whole day off tomorrow so I can get up and get it to the shop asap. the frustrating part is that this will be the third time in 4-5 months that it'll be back in the shop.... i'm exhausted by this damn car.
• motivation to pack my room:
  as excited as i am to move, i cannot find the mojo to get off my ass and pack. i'm hoping that once we have a place locked down to move into that i'll feel justified in packing and i can just speed through it.
• florida:
  its been since 2009 since i've set foot in The Sunshine State, and i need its healing powers DESPERATELY in my life. being broke is lame, because all i want to do is hop a jet to Orlando for a few days, even if its just to see the people I love and lay by a pool somewheres. A photo-shoot with Col wouldn't hurt either.
• money:
  waiting till financial aid hits is going to suck. too many bills/fines/citations to pay between now and september. blahhh.
• optimism:
  'nough said.

i could use a little help
i could use a little hope
i could use a little

miracle

Little things that Make me Smile:

-serenity quotes
-my dog being in better spirits today
-caramel toffee nut iced lattes
-people dressed up like cows for free chik-fil-a
-remembering there's another paycheck between now and when i move
-having most of saturday and all of sunday off
-seeing people i love in productions of shows i've never seen *
-the true blood theme song
-my bed 

things like these are the only way i'll survive the next 3 weeks till we move. I'm tired of this house in every way/shape/form possible. 8 people, 4 dogs (one of which is a puppy who's owner is never home), 2 hermit crabs, 1 bird. I did not sign up for this... :P 

*Last night we went and saw Shelby in GYPSY up at the Egyptian in Park City. I of course knew the music and the basic story but had never seen a production of the show ever, not even the Bette Midler film. It was alot of fun, not my favorite show ever, but a great production with a very solid cast. My Shelby was adorable as Agnes/Amanda/HollywoodBlonde, and I absolutely adored the actor who played Herbie, he was fantastic. It was a good evening, and seeing Shelby made me super happy. I miss that lady.

4th o' Independence July Day

Wasatch First Amendment Lager. Appropriate.

Worked a double. Made shitty tips. Skipped out on major Fireworks. Kicking back with a Beer and Big Band on Pandora. Happy 4th o' Independence Day.

ALSO:

http://youtu.be/HBf8rGtD1nY

just go there. watch that. love it. 

on living

life is just weird. things go day by day and its suddenly July and your summer is almost over, and you're supposed to be moving in a month, and everything is all a blur.

I've been 95% vegetarian for over a week now. Its been good. I like it. Today was hard, I was craving chicken something hardcore. But i'm over it, I now want some killer Mac & Cheese, and I'm gonna get some no matter what I have to do. Its tricky, but I'm enjoying it. Who knows what the scale has to say, I've been hitting the gym at least 3-4 days a week so far, and we'll see how it goes.

Its July. Me and Katrina and Shelby are supposed to be finding a place to move into by the end of the month, first of August.... gah. Stress. Its hard finding something affordable and pet-friendly and close to school. Katrina and I have been spending our days off on the House Hunt, but so far nothing's really turned up. I've got a bunch of calls to make this week, hopefully set up more appointments and go find something fantastic asap. I need to know that we're gonna be set, because its stressing me out a ton. This house I'm in now makes me insane, I can't focus when I'm here and Its driving me nuts, and the fact that we're struggling to find somewhere new is making it worse. We'll find something, I know, but still... buhh.

Also Relevant to the topic of July is that for the last two July's in a row I have ended relationships. Two years ago it was Mike- the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.The distance and his lack of faith in our potential, or my willingness to support him, made it impossible for us to work anymore. Last year it was James- the alcoholic drug addict who lied to me through our whole relationship, made me open my still healing heart to him and then pushed me away.
This July, I'm single, and lonely, and trying desperately to not be desperate. Sassy.Sexy.Single, right??

Lastly, I've never thought my life was something worth people talking about. I tend to live a pretty low-key, uneventful, drama free existance. But it was brought to my attention today that, for whatever reason, one of my physical liasons from months ago is the subject of conversation for a girl I barely know. Odd. Its the weirdest sensation to realize that people you've met maybe twice know details of your personal life, things she's have no reason to know if it werent for some people and their big mouths. And it made me think.... how much am I one of those people that shares information behind someone's back? Do I do it frequently? I try not to, I hope I don't, but maybe I should be more aware of it. Luckily, this time around the stories being told weren't lies, and they weren't damaging to anyone's reputation or feelings (I hope), but still, I'm going to try and put a check on my own big mouth from now one.

living. breathing. working. existing. surviving. I'm kindof desperate for school to start so I can start feeling something again.