A Guardian Angel

This day always sneaks up on me. 

And then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I spend the next few hours just trying to comprehend how it's been two whole years since this beautiful girl left us. 

It feels like just a few weeks ago that she here and bringing laughter and joy into everyone's life.

And after I take those few hours to be sad, 

and to wish I could hug her

and drink hunch-punch

and talk about boys

and go to Bagel Bagel

and take the most ridiculous pictures

and laugh for hours and hours and hours. 

And I think about all those memories and I realize

that even though I can't do all those things with her anymore,

I was lucky enough to have had her to do all those things with. 

And that every time I 'get some'

or I drink just a bit too much

or I laugh at inappropriate jokes

or I take silly pictures

she's cheering me on from where ever she is.

This girl lived every second of her life.

And

She made sure everyone around her did the same.

I was blessed with a fiercely beautiful, talented, joyful, and loyal friend in this life.

And now I have a fiercely, talented, joyful, and loyal Guardian Angel watching over me.

SIB 3-19-11

Missing You

Loving You

Here's To You.

<3

"Friendship is like a garden...

You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. Or you lose it. And I miss it. And I want it back."

-Charlie, Merrily We Roll Along, by Stephen Sondheim

Leave it to Steve to know exactly what to say. There's a reason I worship at the church of Sondheim.

I've fought with myself about posting this here. I didnt want to cause any drama or hurt feelings or whatever.

But then I realized, this is MY blog. I can post what I want, and if it affects people a certain way that doesnt mean that my feelings are invalid or wrong. So full disclosure, if you are negatively affected by this post, I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry that I feel the way I do.

---

When I graduated I knew things would be different in some of my friendships. Not seeing your friends every day in class, or in rehearsal, or in the halls. is bound to change things. So when my social life started feeling a bit abbreviated I tried to take things in stride. Especially when school started back up and all my closest friends were busy with rehearsals and performances and such. Theatre School is stressful, I did it for 6 years, I understand.

But I kept hearing about how there were groups of people who I had always considered my friends who were spending time together, excluding other people who they had previously been close to. I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, telling myself, and others, that it was nothing, that we were all still just as close and just as much friends as we'd always been.

Then I realized. When I saw the people I had been missing most, they didnt seem to be nearly as excited to see me as I was to see them. I still wasnt getting invites to hang out or have movie nights or even just getting reply text messages. I again tried to let it go, not think about it, say we were just on different pages since I wasnt in school anymore. 

The difference was that there WERE people who seemed excited to see me. People who made an effort to make me feel included, to reciprocate when I put forth the effort to maintain our friendship. When I asked if they wanted to get Margaritas and dinner, or if I could join in on a movie night, or simply maintained a conversation that consisted of more than two word text messages.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that the friendships that are working for me right now dont feel like work. I've realized that I shouldnt have to try so hard to be friends with people who formerly included me in their closest circles. I shouldnt have to feel like I'm not important enough for you to respond to my texts. I shouldnt have to come up with some excuse for us to get together other than just getting together. I shouldnt have to feel like I'm imposing if I ask to spend time with you.

My feelings have been hurt. I feel like I've done absolutely nothing wrong, and I feel like I've been excluded from the lives of people who I considered my best friends. And I feel like some of those people arent the same people I was close to before. I'm not sure exactly what it was that made things change, because not going to school together anymore isnt an excuse. I'm not going to keep putting forth an effort when I dont see an effort being made in return. And I'm not going to keep pretending its good to see you or that things are okay when obviously things are so very different.

I'm grateful for my friendships, old and new, strong and faded. And I'm not saying things can't go back to being as good as they were. I love all my friends, even those who have drifted away for what seems like no reason. And if I've hurt anyone in any way please let me know so I can try to make amends. But I'm just done letting myself feel badly about something I have absolutely no more control over. I'm letting go, and whatever comes back and sticks, that's what I know I can count on.

Salesman

I am incredibly honored to be part of this production of 

Death of a Salesman

For the last month or so there have been some amazingly talented humans working so hard on bringing this story to life. There is real honesty and emotion happening on stage at The Grand Theatre, and I can't believe I get to be part of it.

Also, I've been so grateful for the opportunity to work with our director, Mark Fossen. We had never worked together, or even met, when I auditioned. He took a chance on this recent college graduate and I am so lucky to have had this experience. 

I play a very small role in this show. A brief appearance as a secretary, and another brief appearance as a "strudel" in the restaurant. Also, you get to hear my voice as the operator for a moment. Its a small contribution to this massive undertaking.

Arthur Miller created such a painfully beautiful play, and I have been lucky enough to watch some wonderful actors bring the story to life around me. Every night I watch and listen and absorb as much as I can, because even though I don't do much acting, I am lucky enough to have a master-class in communication and honesty by watching this cast work.  I have learned SO much, and I can't wait for us to open and share what we've created.

Mark said this the other night in notes:

"Love more, want more, fight harder, feel deeper"

and while he meant it specifically for this show, and these scenes, it struck me.

All we can do is our best. We can only Love and Want and Feel and Fight as hard as possible.
In the end, even if we don't see it, our contributions to this life will pay off. All our hard work will set us free in the long run.

And that's what I'm aiming for.
Love, Want, Fight, Feel.

and do it with a passion.

Do yourself a favor and come down to The Grand Theatre to see this show.

It is classic American drama done so incredibly well, and I am proud to be even the tiniest bit involved. 

Where I am.

I've been riding this unreal wave of life right now. Jumping around from work to one rehearsal or another, learning lines, feeling things, listening to good music, enjoying the company of people who make me feel better than I have in years....

So here's a brief synopsis:

THEATRE
Death of a Salesman
Charm
and a ten minute scene from Independence for Trent.

I'm in kindof an acting whirlwind and it's incredible. Im so grateful to have so much theatre happening in my life post-graduation.

I am constantly amazed at how much I continue to learn about myself as an actor now that I'm done in school.
Being around a whole new group of actors and a new director is inspiring, the energy is fantastic. I'm learning alot about being open and honest, finding real motivations and making even my small moments mean something.

Revisiting a play like CHARM has been interesting as well. It's a lesson in focus and discipline and honesty. Trying to re-live that play so many months later, and then taking a break between our re-mount and the run in LA.... its slightly terrifying. Its a struggle to remember to keep the moments fresh and real and to react in the moment- not just re-play what we've done before. But its exciting. I'm looking forward to sharing our magic with LA and KCACTF next week. I'm also loving working on Trent's scene. I've been hitting some pretty real emotions with the work on this piece, and its tough, but damn, if it isn't rewarding to feel like you've done something right. 

PEOPLE

FOREVER grateful for the people in my life. I am sincerely blessed to be surrounded with good, honest, caring people.

My roommates, my closest friends, this one guy who I spend lots of time with...

:)

I'm just blessed. 

People who worry about me make me smile.
Sometimes I worry that they make me smile too much. But. 

I can't help it. This particular worrier is pretty cool.

My girl Katrina did this wonderful thing and had a baby. Ingrid is PERFECT.

She's so beautiful and I'm so happy for Katrina and Erik and their beautiful family.
I'm grateful I get to at least share a small part of their life. 

UTAH

Someone has to like the snow, and of course it would be my dog. 

We've had THE MOST UNREAL snow this winter. Its ridiculous.

and i'm over it.

Shelby has decided to move to LA, and I'm toying with the idea of tagging along.
I had been thinking of Orlando as my next big move, but LA might have better options career-wise.

Having never been there, I'm looking forward for next week so I can get a feel for the area. 

GROBAN

New album. It's perfection.
I got my pre-ordered copy three days early, which was wonderful.
I've been listening to it non-stop since it arrived.
There was a live All That Echoes broadcast in movie theaters the day before the official release and it was so fun. He's hilarious. And watching him perform is always incredible. 

I'm obsessed. But what else is new?

I keep hearing the word "UNREAL" in my head about the incredible things happening in my life.

I'm not sure how I got so lucky to be in such a wonderful place right now.

But I'm gonna take it and run with it and make the most of every moment. 

because if it really is "UNREAL", 

I want to at least know I took advantage of the illusion and didn't waste it.

100 questions for my 100th post.

Because I'm bored and because I can. 

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
   "And we just stared at each other, must've been around four minutes at least." - from Marachino by Neil Labute, featured in a book of his short stories called Seconds of Pleasure
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch?
   My window
3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing?
   Being bored on the interwebs
4. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
   30 Rock, had to watch two episodes to catch up to where my man-friend and I are in our viewing of the show from beginning to end.
5. Without looking, guess what time it is
   5:40
6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
   5:50
7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
   The analog clock ticking on my wall
8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
   When I got home from work, to check the mail.
9. Did you dream last night?
   Not that I recall. I had a really restless night for some reason.
10. Do you remember your dreams?
    Very VERY rarely
11. When did you last laugh?
    Dunno
12. Do you remember why / at what?
    It was probably at a text message from my man-friend
13. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
    Postcards, photos, memories, records, memorabilia from my life.
14. Seen anything weird lately?
    Just the epic amounts of snow that have been falling this winter.
15. What do you think of this quiz?
    Its a quiz. I feel like I'm back in high school on LiveJournal.
16. What is the last film you saw?
    HOOK, watched it last night with the man-friend.
17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
    I want a loft in NYC, a beach house in Panama City, FL, and a condo in Park City for funsies.
18. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
    I'd pay off my school loans, and then buy a loft in NYC.
19. Tell me something about you that most people don't know.
    I've never broken a bone, only suffered minor/major sprains and one cut bad enough for stitches
20. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
    Intolerance
21. Do you like to dance?
    30 second dance parties get me through the day at work.
22. Would you ever consider living abroad?
    Absolutely. France or Britain would be my first choice.
23. Does your name make any interesting anagrams?
    When I went by Meg my first email adress was GEM2512. Now IDK what Maggie could anagram to...
24. Who made the last incoming call on your phone?
    Man-Friend
25. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
    A copy of my headshot
26. Last time you swam in a pool?
    This summer, with David and Stephanie
27. Type of music you like most?
    Showtunes, mostly. And Indie-ish things. And Josh Groban.
28. Type of music you dislike most?
    Anything that screams at me.
29. Are you listening to music right now?
    None. Which is strange.
30. What color is your bedroom carpet?
    I have a brown rug on the hardwood floor.
31. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?
    Better insulation, and a central air system with heat and AC
32. What was the last thing you bought?
    A latte
33. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike?
    Not nearly enough, but yes
34. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
    No No No. Never, Ever, No.
35. Do you have a garden?
    Nope
36. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
    I think it's offensive when people don't. I can also sing the harmonies.
37. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
    Am I late? Coffee? How long can I lay here before the dog realizes I'm awake?
38. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?
    Josh Groban.
39. Who sent the last text message you received?
    My Tanner.
40. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
    Victoria's Secret
41. What time is bed time?
    I try not to stay up past Midnight much anymore.
42. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
43. How many tattoos do you have?
    Four.
44. If you don't have any, have you ever thought of getting one?
    Since I have four, i'll tell you what they are. A Fleur De Lis on my back, a symbol meaning Independence on my hip, the word SIDE on my ribs, and the word SHINY on my foot.
45. What did you do for your last birthday?
    Went to see Les Miserables with my family and then ate delicious eclair cake.
46. Do you carry a donor card?
    Nope
47. Who was the last person you ate dinner with?
    Pizza last night.
48. Is the glass half empty or half full?
    Technically the space where there isn't water is occupied by air, so it's all full.
49. What's the farthest-away place you've been?
    When I lived in Tallahassee, FL i traveled to Portland, OR. That was probably the farthest i'd been from where I was living.
50. When's the last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
    Too long ago. This summer sometime maybe.
51. Have you ever won a trophy?
    Competing for the TCC Forensics team, I won several.
52. Are you a good cook?
    I can be. 
53. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
    F'Real?
54. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be?
    Audrey Hepburn
55. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school?
    Junior High. It was aweful.
56. Do you touch-type?
    I don't know what that means.
57. What's under your bed?
    My violin, a box of programs and cards, a box of personal things.
58. Do you believe in love at first sight?
    Not exactly....
59. Think fast, what do you like right now?
    Coffee. Him.
60. Where were you on Valentine's day?
    Last year I had class and then went to dinner with Tanner and got drunk with him and several other humans in my basement while watching Clue and Yes, Man.
61. What time do you get up?
    When I'm at home in my own bed I get up around 9am.
62. What was the name of your first pet?
    Murphy, an english cocker spaniel.
63. Who is the second to last person to call you?
    Some lady from AnytimeFitness
64. Is there anything going on this weekend?
    Trying to get my work shift covered. Possibly a get together at His house with the roomies and or some friends.
65. How are you feeling right now?
    Hungry, cold, kindof anxious. BORED.
66. What do you think about the most?
    The Future.
67. What time do you get up in the morning?
    I just answered this question. So I'm going to tell you that my favorite color is Orange instead.
68. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people?
    until after I got the first payment and began paying off my school loans.
69. Who would you tell first?
    Mom.
70. What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema?
    Les Miserables
71. Do you sing in the shower?
    Who Doesnt?
72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
    REPEAT AGAIN. If i had to pick another store I would chose Cotton On
73. What do you do most when you are bored?
    Interwebs
74. What do you do for a living?
    Wait tables and work in the theatre.
75. Do you love your job?
    I love Theatre, I enjoy waiting tables on occasion.
76. What did you want to be when you grew up?
    I used to want to be a teacher.
77. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be?
    Acting/Singing is the only thing I can imagine doing.
78. Which came first the chicken or the egg?
    Chicken.
79. How many keys on your key ring?
    Two. I downsized ALOT
80. Where would you retire to?
    Orlando, FL
81. What kind of car do you drive?
    2000 Ford Focus- The Grey Lady.
82. What are your best physical features?
    My hair and Eyes.
83. What are your best characteristics?
    Understanding, a good listener, a devoted friend.
84. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?
    Orlando/Tallahassee or NYC
85. What kind of books do you like to read?
    All of them. I like dramas and romances and fantasy
86. Where would you want to retire to?
    REPEAT. Instead I will tell you that my least favorite food is Fish.
87. What is your favorite time of the day?
    Early afternoon, but only when I don't have to be at work.
88. Where did you grow up?
    Mostly in Clearfield UT, but i did the most "growing up" of my life in Orlando.
89. How far away from your birthplace do you live now?
    Pocatello, ID is about 4 hours away I think.
90. What are you reading now?
    Death of a Salesman, Independence, and Seconds of Pleasure
91. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
    NIGHTS
92. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
    Nope. 
93. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows?
    Yep.
94. Do you have pets?
    Buster Brown is my babydog. He's the best.
95. How many rings before you answer the phone?
    I try not to let the Harry Potter theme end.
96. What is your best childhood memory?
    Playing dress-up with my cousins 
97. What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life?
    Night Janitor for a bank, Babysitter, To-Go Specialist at Applebees (twice), Subway Sandwich Artist, Server
98. Any new and exciting things that you would like to share?
    I'm starting to feel like life might actually be making sense.
99. What is most important in life?
    Love. Friendly love, Family love, Romantic Love. It's the thing that makes everything worth it.
100. What Inspires You?
     Passion, Heart, Devotion.

Silly. But Now you've got random facts about me. 

I've officially blogged 100 times in this venue. 

Here's to 100 more.