"Friendship is like a garden...

You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. Or you lose it. And I miss it. And I want it back."

-Charlie, Merrily We Roll Along, by Stephen Sondheim

Leave it to Steve to know exactly what to say. There's a reason I worship at the church of Sondheim.

I've fought with myself about posting this here. I didnt want to cause any drama or hurt feelings or whatever.

But then I realized, this is MY blog. I can post what I want, and if it affects people a certain way that doesnt mean that my feelings are invalid or wrong. So full disclosure, if you are negatively affected by this post, I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry that I feel the way I do.

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When I graduated I knew things would be different in some of my friendships. Not seeing your friends every day in class, or in rehearsal, or in the halls. is bound to change things. So when my social life started feeling a bit abbreviated I tried to take things in stride. Especially when school started back up and all my closest friends were busy with rehearsals and performances and such. Theatre School is stressful, I did it for 6 years, I understand.

But I kept hearing about how there were groups of people who I had always considered my friends who were spending time together, excluding other people who they had previously been close to. I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, telling myself, and others, that it was nothing, that we were all still just as close and just as much friends as we'd always been.

Then I realized. When I saw the people I had been missing most, they didnt seem to be nearly as excited to see me as I was to see them. I still wasnt getting invites to hang out or have movie nights or even just getting reply text messages. I again tried to let it go, not think about it, say we were just on different pages since I wasnt in school anymore. 

The difference was that there WERE people who seemed excited to see me. People who made an effort to make me feel included, to reciprocate when I put forth the effort to maintain our friendship. When I asked if they wanted to get Margaritas and dinner, or if I could join in on a movie night, or simply maintained a conversation that consisted of more than two word text messages.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that the friendships that are working for me right now dont feel like work. I've realized that I shouldnt have to try so hard to be friends with people who formerly included me in their closest circles. I shouldnt have to feel like I'm not important enough for you to respond to my texts. I shouldnt have to come up with some excuse for us to get together other than just getting together. I shouldnt have to feel like I'm imposing if I ask to spend time with you.

My feelings have been hurt. I feel like I've done absolutely nothing wrong, and I feel like I've been excluded from the lives of people who I considered my best friends. And I feel like some of those people arent the same people I was close to before. I'm not sure exactly what it was that made things change, because not going to school together anymore isnt an excuse. I'm not going to keep putting forth an effort when I dont see an effort being made in return. And I'm not going to keep pretending its good to see you or that things are okay when obviously things are so very different.

I'm grateful for my friendships, old and new, strong and faded. And I'm not saying things can't go back to being as good as they were. I love all my friends, even those who have drifted away for what seems like no reason. And if I've hurt anyone in any way please let me know so I can try to make amends. But I'm just done letting myself feel badly about something I have absolutely no more control over. I'm letting go, and whatever comes back and sticks, that's what I know I can count on.