We are capable of finding, saying, feeling so much more.

cause really what's the point if we're just coasting on the surface?

This summer has been... strange.

I finally got my Lexus, named him "Leo" (because he is a classic, he has expensive tastes, and has never won any awards). Less than two months into our relationship Leo decided to develop some health issues and needed about $2600 in repairs. He was in the shop for about two weeks. I had two rental cars, one that I ended up crashing into a deer, and one that i managed to keep in one piece. Lesson being, I'm not allowed to have nice things. :P

Been living at Phil Lowe's house all summer, taking care of his cats and keeping the house secure. It's a sweaty existence, no AC in either my house or my car. This house is old. And stinky, the cats struggle with their bathroom manners. But it's a place to live. And he's kind enough to let me live rent free for the time being since I'm house-sitting while he's gone for the summer. I'm very ready to move to Salt Lake, however. Ogden is... exhausting. I have only a handful of friends up here anymore, and the people I'm closest to all live in SLC. I feel a little suspended in time (*cue xana-music*) up here. Like I'm just treading water and not getting anywhere. So I'm working lots, and trying to re-build my bank-accounts, and hopefully this fall I'll be a resident of the SLC and starting to feel some progress.

In the mean-time, I'm using this month as my re-focusing month. I've been journaling (you know, in a paper and pen kindof journal), and trying to get organized. I'm taking a look at some choices I've been making in my personal life and trying to stop selling myself short. Its not an easy process. Somewhere along the way I stopped believing that I deserved something fulfilling and real, and I've been putting on a smile and coasting casually through some things that are less than I deserve. I'm struggling to find a way to separate myself from those things and find the things inside myself that are healthier, more satisfying. It'll happen. Every day is a step forward and I'm adjusting little things. I want to lose some weight, I want to throw out some junk, I want to set a budget and stick to it, I want to tell people how I feel about them and be honest.  I want to stop playing silly high-school games and putting up with bullshit I don't deserve. I'm tired of coasting.

So I'm trying to put myself in gear.

we are capable of finding, saying, feeling

so much more.