Update:

• Closed my show. Who knew I would miss doing one of the saddest pieces of theatre I've ever been involved in? But I do. I miss my Salesman peeps mucho. So So So grateful for that opportunity.
  
• Moving in a month or so. I'm pretty sure I'll be moving in with Alicia Washington and Jessie McCowin, which will be the most fun. Their place is just a few streets away so once we've settled things I think I will probably just slowly start transporting things over there a little bit at a time. The one sad part is that my Buster won't be able to move in with me, so he'll get to have a summer vacation at my mom's house until we move out of state.
  
• I've been counting calories. Sounds like zero fun, but I'm not being a nazi about it. I'm just making myself aware of how much it really is that I eat, and trying to be as active as possible at the same time. I'm using an app called MyFitnessPal and it is super helpful. I just know that I've been unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin for a while, and even though I'm not "fat", I'm definitely not at my ideal weight, so it's time to stop complaining and start paying attention.
  
• I'm diving back into the world of Shakespeare and prepping myself for an audition in a few months. Layton City is doing a production of As You Like It and I am DYING to be part of it, ideally as Rosalind or Phoebe. I'm re-reading the play itself, and brushing up on Twelfth Night as well, looking for a monologue to audition with. It's good for me, I haven't done a lot of work with The Bard in quite some time, and its good to remember that good actors are always working on something.
  
  
  -and finally-
• The Supreme Court is hearing cases regarding Prop-8 and DOMA this week. It's a hugely historic event, in and of itself. On top of that, thousands of people have changed their facebook avatars to red equality logos to show their support for Marriage Equality, myself included. Some people are calling it "slack-tivism" to just change a picture and not do anything else, but the resounding echoes of "thank you" from my LGBTQ friends and neighbors who appreciate the support and love proves to me that hope is enough. I am proud of my youngest two siblings who changed their FB-pics to equality symbols. I am proud of my friends Tia and Lauren who were married in NYC this week and I hope that as the hearings at the Supreme Court come to a close they will be able to know that their marriage is recognized all over the country. And, I am proud to know that whatever happens, I am on the right side of history. I am a supporter of equality, and a supporter of love, and a supporter of hope. How can that be wrong?

A Guardian Angel

This day always sneaks up on me. 

And then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I spend the next few hours just trying to comprehend how it's been two whole years since this beautiful girl left us. 

It feels like just a few weeks ago that she here and bringing laughter and joy into everyone's life.

And after I take those few hours to be sad, 

and to wish I could hug her

and drink hunch-punch

and talk about boys

and go to Bagel Bagel

and take the most ridiculous pictures

and laugh for hours and hours and hours. 

And I think about all those memories and I realize

that even though I can't do all those things with her anymore,

I was lucky enough to have had her to do all those things with. 

And that every time I 'get some'

or I drink just a bit too much

or I laugh at inappropriate jokes

or I take silly pictures

she's cheering me on from where ever she is.

This girl lived every second of her life.

And

She made sure everyone around her did the same.

I was blessed with a fiercely beautiful, talented, joyful, and loyal friend in this life.

And now I have a fiercely, talented, joyful, and loyal Guardian Angel watching over me.

SIB 3-19-11

Missing You

Loving You

Here's To You.

<3

"Friendship is like a garden...

You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. Or you lose it. And I miss it. And I want it back."

-Charlie, Merrily We Roll Along, by Stephen Sondheim

Leave it to Steve to know exactly what to say. There's a reason I worship at the church of Sondheim.

I've fought with myself about posting this here. I didnt want to cause any drama or hurt feelings or whatever.

But then I realized, this is MY blog. I can post what I want, and if it affects people a certain way that doesnt mean that my feelings are invalid or wrong. So full disclosure, if you are negatively affected by this post, I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry that I feel the way I do.

---

When I graduated I knew things would be different in some of my friendships. Not seeing your friends every day in class, or in rehearsal, or in the halls. is bound to change things. So when my social life started feeling a bit abbreviated I tried to take things in stride. Especially when school started back up and all my closest friends were busy with rehearsals and performances and such. Theatre School is stressful, I did it for 6 years, I understand.

But I kept hearing about how there were groups of people who I had always considered my friends who were spending time together, excluding other people who they had previously been close to. I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, telling myself, and others, that it was nothing, that we were all still just as close and just as much friends as we'd always been.

Then I realized. When I saw the people I had been missing most, they didnt seem to be nearly as excited to see me as I was to see them. I still wasnt getting invites to hang out or have movie nights or even just getting reply text messages. I again tried to let it go, not think about it, say we were just on different pages since I wasnt in school anymore. 

The difference was that there WERE people who seemed excited to see me. People who made an effort to make me feel included, to reciprocate when I put forth the effort to maintain our friendship. When I asked if they wanted to get Margaritas and dinner, or if I could join in on a movie night, or simply maintained a conversation that consisted of more than two word text messages.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that the friendships that are working for me right now dont feel like work. I've realized that I shouldnt have to try so hard to be friends with people who formerly included me in their closest circles. I shouldnt have to feel like I'm not important enough for you to respond to my texts. I shouldnt have to come up with some excuse for us to get together other than just getting together. I shouldnt have to feel like I'm imposing if I ask to spend time with you.

My feelings have been hurt. I feel like I've done absolutely nothing wrong, and I feel like I've been excluded from the lives of people who I considered my best friends. And I feel like some of those people arent the same people I was close to before. I'm not sure exactly what it was that made things change, because not going to school together anymore isnt an excuse. I'm not going to keep putting forth an effort when I dont see an effort being made in return. And I'm not going to keep pretending its good to see you or that things are okay when obviously things are so very different.

I'm grateful for my friendships, old and new, strong and faded. And I'm not saying things can't go back to being as good as they were. I love all my friends, even those who have drifted away for what seems like no reason. And if I've hurt anyone in any way please let me know so I can try to make amends. But I'm just done letting myself feel badly about something I have absolutely no more control over. I'm letting go, and whatever comes back and sticks, that's what I know I can count on.

Salesman

I am incredibly honored to be part of this production of 

Death of a Salesman

For the last month or so there have been some amazingly talented humans working so hard on bringing this story to life. There is real honesty and emotion happening on stage at The Grand Theatre, and I can't believe I get to be part of it.

Also, I've been so grateful for the opportunity to work with our director, Mark Fossen. We had never worked together, or even met, when I auditioned. He took a chance on this recent college graduate and I am so lucky to have had this experience. 

I play a very small role in this show. A brief appearance as a secretary, and another brief appearance as a "strudel" in the restaurant. Also, you get to hear my voice as the operator for a moment. Its a small contribution to this massive undertaking.

Arthur Miller created such a painfully beautiful play, and I have been lucky enough to watch some wonderful actors bring the story to life around me. Every night I watch and listen and absorb as much as I can, because even though I don't do much acting, I am lucky enough to have a master-class in communication and honesty by watching this cast work.  I have learned SO much, and I can't wait for us to open and share what we've created.

Mark said this the other night in notes:

"Love more, want more, fight harder, feel deeper"

and while he meant it specifically for this show, and these scenes, it struck me.

All we can do is our best. We can only Love and Want and Feel and Fight as hard as possible.
In the end, even if we don't see it, our contributions to this life will pay off. All our hard work will set us free in the long run.

And that's what I'm aiming for.
Love, Want, Fight, Feel.

and do it with a passion.

Do yourself a favor and come down to The Grand Theatre to see this show.

It is classic American drama done so incredibly well, and I am proud to be even the tiniest bit involved.