I'm realizing

I am a good friend. I'm the friend people come talk to, they vent, they spill, they unload all their worries to and I try to hep them piece things together. I like helping people, especially people I love and care about.

But by being this friend, this person who is always caring for other people, I'm forgetting about myself. I spend so much time making sure this person is okay, and this person doesnt feel lonely, and this person likes where we're eating, and these people won't have to talk at the party.... And I rarely think- "I'm not okay. I feel lonely. I dont want to eat there. I don't care if they don't like that person, I want to go to the party."

I need to start being more selfish, for my own sake, I think. I don't want to stop being someone that people can talk to or ask for advice, but I'm tired of letting other people's problems and concerns outweigh my own.

All i wanted to do tonight was go to sushi with my friend who is visiting from out of town. A guy whose company I quite enjoy and who I havent seen in over a year. But because I was so concerned about pleasing another friend, I missed out on sushi, and ended up eating Olive Garden, then sitting in my room watching RuPaul's Drag Race with this other friend and my gay boys*. (*See also: reasons i'm single) Now I work all day tomorrow, and he leaves the state again on Friday, and I'm upset that I lost the chance to hang out and flirt and have a good time because I was too concerned about what other people wanted to do. And I ended up watching probably 2 more episodes than I wanted to because I didn't want to seem bitchy.

I'm going to start being bitchy. I'm going to stop catering to what I think other people want. I'm still going to be a friend to people; I'm not going to stop hanging out or listening to or caring about the people I love. But I'm not going to let my friendships control every little aspect of my life. I'm going to flirt with boys at work who I like. I'm going to say no if I don't want to be the only single person at an event. I'm going to stop letting myself get dragged into ridiculous bullshit that I'm not remotely involved in. 

Its time to focus on Maggie. I'm finishing school, I'm looking towards being independent, moving somewhere new, striking out on my own. And I need to learn how to be a good friend without giving up all of myself. That's going to be one of my goals this semester, I think. Its definitely time for something to give, and I think this is it.