struggle

Just perpetually fighting with myself, Don't worry.

It's one of those situations where you know the behavior/action/step you're taking isnt the best idea, but you do it anyway because your curiosity is eating away at you.

So I caved. Sent texts to the boy who probably hurt me in the most painful way I've ever been hurt. We're conversing. General conversation mostly, but also about each of us misses the other.

And I feel.... anxious.

and nervous

and angry with myself

and strangely optimistic

and stupid

and relieved

and paranoid

and too expectant

and stuff.

I keep telling myself that it's a bad idea. 

That, even if things could be somehow better/different/whatever, I'm too damn busy to even consider being with ANYONE

much less him.

But a part of me, a bigger part than I've admitted to anyone, really, is dying to know...

so... I'm fighting myself. 

hard.

and smoking more cigarettes than i should

and drinking more beer than i should.

and just... fighting.

Grateful

For my Roommates who Understand everything

For the opportunity to be in a regional premiere of a ridiculously amazing (and hilarious) show (Xanadu).

For the opportunity to be part of a Theatre Program where I belong

For my Buster Brown

For my Mom

For not injuring my ankle too severely

For financial aid

For Coffee

For Jim Christian

For cigarettes and beer

For Katherine Zublin

For being alive

yeah.

Show Show Show Show Show Show Show!!!

Don't worry. In a show. 

Just get to be a muse and stuff. 

:D

Love it.

Suddenly

we're a week into school
i'm stressing about work
i'm behind in at least one class
i've injured myself (yet again)
and i'm exhausted.

Welcome to My Life.

It's going to be one of those semesters. I'm taking:

• History & Lit of Theatre
• Modern Dance II
• Acting for Musical Theatre
• Stage Costume
• Junior Seminar
• Directing I
• Voice Lessons
• Flamenco Dance
• and I have to do at least one Practicum- 45hrs of service to the department

So yeah. This week was Auditions week. Both shows for the semester held auditions, and even though I was only auditioning for one, It stressed my shit out. And then, at Callbacks, I managed to roll my ankle and sprain it pretty severely. Way to screw yourself out of a show, Meg. I've also managed to get behind in my reading for History & Lit already. Directing TERRIFIES me. Like.... legitly makes me want to cry. But everything else I'm super stoked for.

Living with Katrina and Shelby is fantastic. We're all way too perfect for each other. This week, I was talking about using some white duct tape to cover some cardboard we have in our window, and Shelby (who was the only other person home) said:

"Or we could paint it..... purple."

And like two hours later when i was telling Katrina my duct tape plan she said:

"Or we could paint it.... purple."

BRILLIANT.

So yeah. Suddenly we're already back into the swing of things,

 and life is crazy,

and I don't know when I'm going to ever be able to work if I somehow manage to get cast in Xanadu

and I'm super lonely, which is counterproductive to being productive in school.

But whatevs. I've got awesome friends.
and I finally feel like I'm actually a part of the department, not just visiting.

Its a good feeling.

So i'll survive. I'm sure.

A mother's greatest fear.

Okay, I flaunt my baby all the time. Buster is my heart and soul and light and life. It's silly, but I tell people all the time

"I don't need children, I've got a dog."

He's my child, and my everything.

SO, last night when Katrina and I got home from the Twilight Concert Series (lame this week, by the way) right around midnight, and went inside. I was expecting my baby dog to come rushing the door and bursting out into the yard like he always does, but no Buster. First thought, he's sleeping, it was so hot in that house, and we were home late... but he wasn't in his bed, or down in the basement or under any beds or anywhere. Enter- PANIC MODE.  Search our big ass yard in the dark, calling for Buster the whole time. Called my brother to see if anyone had called the house phone (which is the number on his tags), and no one had. Nick drove up, Ally and Tia came over, we drove all over the neighborhood searching for an hour or more. No luck. I'm basically numb and petrified, obviously thinking the worst, remembering that he hadn't eaten yet that day, thinking about how unfamiliar he is with the area since we just moved....

Showering helped, mostly because I sat on the floor and just soaked, let myself cry more. Cried myself to sleep in my empty room. No bueno. Worst empty feeling in the pit of my stomach EVER. Just like all the warm fuzzies that had once existed now no longer existed and everything was dark and cold....
you think i'm exaggerating, not so much. I was a wreck. Woke up from restless dreams about Buster being on the doorstep when I woke up. Checked- no such luck. Had to work at the mall and managed to make it through the shift without crying, mostly. Filed missing dog reports with both animal shelters in the proximity. And waited impatiently for my phone to ring. Also made a flier to post all over town, drove up to the weber county shelter to check in person if he was there.... it was terrible. I then started walking. All over the neighborhood asking anyone who was out in their yards if they had seen my baby. One very nice woman said when she was out running errands she would keep her eye open. Not ten minutes later she found me walking home and said she thought she'd seen Buster and told me to hop in the truck with her and her kids, we'd slowly drive past where she thought she saw him. Incredible. SOOO kind. Unfortunately, no dog in the area she thought, BUT while we were looking my phone rang with an unknown number and an INCREDIBLY kind woman asking if I was the owner of one Buster. :D

This second woman and her daughter had seen buster that morning avoiding traffic on Harrison Boulevard. They tried to get ahold of him but couldn't. Then this afternoon when they spotted him again they pulled over and chased him through yards, because they were afraid he would try to go out on the road again. SO amazing. I cried when she called. Gave her a hug when I picked up my man.... ugh. Such an incredible relief.

I'm pretty sure I saw where the lady and her daughter live, they pulled into a driveway just down from where I met them to pick Buster up. And I remember the house of the wonderful woman who drove me around in her truck on a maybe sighting of my dog. I want to bake them cookies, or take them a gift of some sort. I can't even begin to describe the level of gratitude I feel towards these women. SO GRATEFUL. Ridiculous amounts of gratitude.

Right after we got home, He was so sleepy and hot he got straight in his bed.

I put the fan in my room and pointed it straight at his bed so he could cool off.

He's smelly, and dirty, and gassy- which is unpleasant, but I'm so happy to have him back, smells and all. 

School

I freaking LOVE school supplies.

always have, always will.
i want to go buy pencils and erasers and notebooks and such asap

and I think i'll probably buy a legit backpack this year, or just find a cute shoulder bag like always.

School starts in 19 days, and I'm half ecstatic, half dreading it.

This I know- 

I'm looking forward to seeing good people every day that I rarely see anymore.

I'm looking forward to something breaking up the monotony of my life.

I'm looking forward to Theatre filling my days again.

I'm looking forward to not working double shifts anymore.

I'm looking forward to auditions (even though I have no Idea what I'm singing)

I'm not looking forward to waking up for classes
I'm not looking forward to the drama that Inevitably happens

I'm not looking forward to homework

I'm not looking forward to parking

I'm not looking forward to callback lists

I'm not looking forward to not having time to work.

Its a 50/50 feeling. But either way, it'll be something different.

This has been the longest, weirdest, most emotionally strange summer ever.

And it's time to be over.

Watched this movie last night and it REALLY got me excited that we're putting on the play this year at school.

I'm kindof seriously more excited about this show than anything else at this point,

mostly because I'd never heard anything from the actual production before, and the film gives you a really good idea of the songs and story of the play.

I'm super interested in how Trent is going to direct this, 

if the actors will be starting in the audience as they did in the original production...

guh. 

also. I didn't know alot of the context, really, of what happened surrounding the original production, and this gave some really good insight into the era and the politics. 

Plus it has an incredible cast. I mean, seriously.

Even if you're not going to Weber, you should watch this movie

It's wonderful.

Blogging at Work

Perks of working at a coffee shop in the mall?
Free wi-fi stolen from a hot-spot phone in the sprint store, and since it's monday and we're slow I've been online all damn day.

Moving in is coming along nicely. We've got a dining room/front room, a pretty awesome basement setup (with killer surround, compliments of Jaime Frank), our kitchen will be super cute when we finish unpacking everything, the bathroom finally has a working shower, and my bedroom will start looking complete in about 2 weeks once I can afford blinds and frames and shelving, and maybe a rug. Its been nice to have someplace clean and quiet and not icky to come home to. And we've had a few people over and I'm not embarassed to have them in our house. Brilliant.

Went out with Landon and Mikey and Katrina the other night, just went to hang out at "Stonehenge", the house occupied by those who used to live at "Pokerface" (which reminds me, we need to name our new place...). It was alot of fun, saw so many people who we go to school with that I havent seen all summer long. I forget that people like me sometimes.... Its an esteem issue that I've always had. But everyone seemed really happy to see me, and I got to know some people that I already adore just that much better. Stephanie Jameson and I discovered we share some pretty personal things in common, and as weird as it was that the topic even came up, I'm really looking forward to sitting down with her and kindof getting to know her that much better now, and also having someone to be able to relate to on a level that very few people will ever comprehend.

Something about July is always depressing, and I'm hoping now that it's August I can start being a bit more optimistic. My moods swing so quickly though- I left my mother's house last night in a pretty up-beat mood, and by the time I got home I felt like I needed a glass of wine and a sappy romantic comedy.... dunno. Life's weird.

Been listening to some new music. I went to the Twilight Concert Series with Katrina and my "brothers" from Florida, Cameron and Braedon. We saw Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, and they were awesome. Created a Pandora station for them and now I'm getting way into all this indie rock stuff that I used to avoid. Loving it muchly. Its fitting to my mellow state of mind that i'm feeling 85% of the time nowadays.

I want to go to the movies. I have sunday off. Someone say they'll come see either Crazy Stupid Love or Cowboys and Aliens or Whinny the Pooh or Harry Potter 7.2 with me? Please?!?