My Whole30 Wrap Up

I haven't written on this blog since Black Friday last year. Almost a whole year. Whoops!

I've since done 2 different productions (First Date and Rock of Ages), and I'm about to open a 3rd (Addams Family).

I've been to Mexico, Disneyland, LA, San Diego, the and Utah Shakespeare Festival.

I've transitioned to working from home.

I started dating a man who is every day making me the happiest.

And, as of today, I've completed my first Whole30.

photo cred: whole 30 creator, Melissa Hartwig
(see her IG handle above- she's kind of the fiercest)

I kind of decided on a whim to look into Whole 30. I've been trying all year to work on eating better and dropping some weight, and I did okay at the start of the summer- my part in Rock of Ages was motivating, I wanted to look good in the jumpsuits they were putting me in. But once the show opened just got a little crazy and busy and I lost focus (like always.) Then Addams Family happened. I'm playing Morticia, who wears a "dress cut down to Venezuela." (actual quote from the show.) I felt like I needed to get back on the horse to really feel comfortable in what my costume would be; I wanted to be able to focus on my performance, not my body.
That's where the Whole30 came in. My friends Karmon and Jared recommended it when I saw them about 6 weeks ago. We were talking about Morticia, and wanting to eat better and they told me about how it had worked for them. And, after some research I thought "Yeah, I can do that."

Essentially you spend Thirty days without consuming any of the following:

Grains (including rice & corn)

Dairy

Beans or Legumes (soy)

Sugar (no honey or natural sweeteners either)

Alcohol

I know, Miss Jay, I know. I love all those things too.

Just Thirty days eating only whole, complete proteins, veggies, fruits, and fats. The idea is that it's a hard reset on your body, eliminating the types of food that could potentially be contributing to fatigue, headaches, bloating, bad skin, overweight, etc. You follow those essential guidelines, while also avoiding the scale, and paying attention to those foods that are still a crutch for you.
Once you've succeeded, you add each item back into your diet slowly, to see what affects you and how. 

Today is my day 31. 

Over the last month I've been excited, annoyed, energized, frustrated, hangry, inspired, motivated, and a thousand other emotions. I've learned how to cook so many meals that are full of flavor and void of filler. I've started reading labels and discovered just how much crap is added to our food. I've learned to love coffee without sugar (though I'm dying for a Pumpkin Latte VERY soon.) I've eaten more fruit this month than I have all year. I've learned I can handle stress and anxiety without alcohol or food. I've learned I can say NO when something full of empty calories is in front of me. My skin has been clearer, I sleep better, I generally have much more sustainable energy, and my clothes fit much better.  I have survived gatherings with friends and outings to bars and birthday parties without having a drink or eating the sweets. I've learned I need to eat something every 3-4 hours or so; otherwise, I get really grumpy. I've learned how helpful it is to meal-plan, and how much time it can save in the long-run.

I've been supported by awesome people. 

My amazing boyfriend has helped me shop, cook, meal prep, read labels, and even discovered the best way to make Whole30 compliant mayo so that I could have ranch dip for my veggies.
(Did you know regular mayo has sugar in it? WHAT?)

My Addams Family cast-members have cheered me on and avoided offering me sweets so that I didn't have to say no (and even baked me treats I could save and eat now that I'm done.) 

All my friends on FB and IG and at Work were extra supportive, commenting and encouraging me to stay the course and not give up anytime my cravings started getting a little too loud.

My Mom sent me recipes I could moderate to fit the rules.

Seriously so grateful. This would have been impossible without you guys.

It's been an incredible month. I'm going to start slow with the reintroduction phase- tonight will be a sugar-free cocktail or two. This weekend I'll pick something else to add back in (probably a PSL with almond milk- hello sugar! Or just all the cheese!). And then I'll just work my way down the line. For the most part- I think i'm going to keep meal-prepping fairly close to Whole30 standards. Maybe mixing in some Paleo solutions for things like tortillas and such, and hopefully my body still likes cheese. But, having meals ready to go in the fridge has been really liberating (and saved me money since I'm not driving through places.) And I'm loving how I feel eating this way. 

Long story short (too late), I feel like even though Whole30 is over, this is kind of the start of taking better care of myself as a complete human. I'm pretty psyched to keep feeling great and finding new ways to be the best me.

Attitude of Grattitude

• Friends who have supported me all year long, keeping me going through all the crap.
• A year of struggle and challenges that have only made me better.
• Buster and how sweet and silly he always is.
• A muggle job that doesn't destroy my soul, and continues to help me support my Theatre Addiction, financially and logistically.
• Being cast in Midvale Main Street's production of "First Date." I cannot WAIT to break out my "character acting" chops and be silly and ridiculous along with a really fun cast. (INCLUDING my love, Dustin Bolt, who i have yet to do a show with. it's about damn time.)
• Getting to go to CABO in 1 month, and 19 days (not that I'm counting).
• My immediate family, for being strong and smart and caring and loving at all times. And my extended family, both sides, for proving that love is the center of everything and that we're all always there for each other.
• The opportunity I had this year to push my boundaries in a lot of ways. I ventured into some fun and weird and wild worlds, and took some fun people along for the ride, and it was so liberating and wonderful. I'm so grateful for that chance.
• Student Loan consolidation.
• Health Insurance
• Voice Lessons
• Co-Workers who make me laugh and work hard, and a manager who lets me be myself and do my job and function like a real person and not a cog in a machine. 
• "WIT". Working on that show this year was the best best best thing of all. I met the most amazing people, watched one of my favorite actors be brilliant and brave, and learned so much about humility and honesty and camaraderie. Priceless.
• Karaoke and it's power to free my soul
• An Adventurous Roommate 
• Kitchens and Refrigerators and Stoves and the ability I have to cook, however mediocre my food may be. (i mean, i like it.)
• Zaxby's and Moe's and Popeye's coming to Utah. 
• Chocolate & Pumpkin Spice everything
• Cars that get me from point A to point B. 
• Puppies
• Text Messaging and it's ability to bridge the gap between SLC and NYC and San Diego and North Carolina and Florida.
• Tattoos
• Feeling secure and safe in my neighborhood and city. 
• My ability to express my thoughts and opinions openly and without risk. 
• My education in academia and music and theater and speech. 

... to name just a few things.

I hope I'm practicing gratitude year-round, I definitely try to accentuate the positive in my life and express my thanks whenever I can. But at this time of year, when it's on every one's minds, I like taking an opportunity to once again express my thanks for the all the things I hold dear, no matter how big or small. I love seeing the things people find to be grateful for each day during this month- I'd like to hope that that attitude of gratitude can continue all year, whether outwardly and publicly, or quietly in our hearts. 

Searching for Fire

I want excitement

I want energy

I want motivation

I want light

I want sparks

I want drive

I want follow-through

I want starry nights

I want sunny days

I want adventure

I want magic

I want passion

I want fire.

I need something to ignite me. I'm currently without a project or focus or drive. Work is fine and all, but I really really need something more to really turn me on and give me purpose. We've been decorating the office for Halloween, and that's been a nice distraction, as has coming up with costume ideas and such. But I'm struggling a bit. This is the first year in several that I haven't had a fall/winter project. I'm sure the cosmos have a reason for that, but it's still really difficult for me to adjust to. And I really feel like what I'm lacking is a fire, a drive, a purpose to wake up. Every single day this week has been a struggle to get out of bed before 7:30. I think I maybe achieved it once. But nothing outside of obligation is motivating that. And it makes me sad. And I want more.

The Company You Keep...

It's been an interesting few months. I've been a mess. Anxieties off the charts and disappointments abounding. But I've also been a part of a magically special production of WIT, widened my circle of friends, got a new tattoo, planned a dream vacation, and started taking steps towards gaining some sort of control over the business/monetary matters in my life.


The one thing that's really been plaguing me recently is the emotional matters in my life. The anxiety and stress and dark parts of myself have been winning out more often than not, and coping is sometimes not my strongest suit. I've realized I'm REALLY good at making terrible decisions when it comes to coping.

One thing I've pin-pointed is the fact that I crave the attention and company of people who aren't necessarily available to help me when I feel this way. While I do have VERY helpful, loving friends, it's not always prime friend time when I'm having an emotional breakdown. And in those moments, it's not always those closest to me who my brain defaults to for seeking comfort. Which is shitty. Because it's usually people who were formerly close to me, but we have since drifted apart.

And I realize drifting is a natural part of friendships. Every relationship goes through phases, and life makes it hard to see people as often as we'd like at times, while other times are more accomodating. However, there are times when you have to accept the other party is not as invested in maintaining your connection. And that's fine. Difficult. but Fine. I'm trying to learn how to only crave the company of people who also crave my company. When you're the only person who attempts to communicate, or arrange spending time together, then it's not worth it anymore.

In Merrily We Roll Along, Charlie says "Friendship is like a garden. You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. And you know what? I miss it. And I want it back."

But the thing is... if I'm the only one watering and tending and caring, I don't want it back.

Anxiety Central

Just all the time.

Work makes me anxious because I have to perform well enough to keep my job, but find the balance between following up with people and respecting their lives. You also have to be polite and professional and friendly to everyone. And keep your thoughts to yourself. And follow up with EVERY student. And should I be looking to move into a new position? Am I making enough money with what I'm doing? Should I look for something else? But, If i do look for something else does that make me a bad employee for not sticking it out longer? Exhausting.

And then, because work is exhausting, I have little desire to do anything after work. But there's laundry, or dishes. Do you spend the energy to make dinner, or go out to eat? Which causes anxiety because cooking is just more work, but you really shouldn't spend the money to eat out... So you stay in and make something that's not really as satisfying as you'd like it to be, but it's food. But because you're tired you dont want to do the dishes, and then your awesome roomie does them for you and you worry about that.

There's also the constant desire to maintain friendships, which takes reaching out to people and scheduling time to get together and do something. But I'm constantly anxious about not wanting to impose on people, and negotiating schedules can get stressful. And sometimes you do make plans but really just would rather be at home but canceling would be rude. And the times you had offers on the table but you turn them down because leaving the house is just too much, but then sit at home wishing you weren't by yourself...

And when I do go out to socialize I'm always worried about Buster being left alone. Granted, he does have his Andy buddy to be with most of the time, but I still feel badly because I'm not as present and involved of a pet owner as I could be. Do I take him out on enough walks? Is he eating enough? too much? (This is why I know I could never be a human parent, being a pet parent stresses me out enough)

And then there's the dating thing. Don't even get me started on that. A whole big ball of issues and neuroses and anxiety on that front. Even still.

Pretty much the only time I'm not anxious about one thing or another is when I'm sleeping... which can't be a good thing. It's exhausting. I'm tired all the time. It's something that one should probably talk to a professional about. But, of course, the idea of that gives me even more anxiety.

Mind you, I recognize that other people deal with this on a MUCH larger level. That my low-grade anxiety is nothing compared to the crippling anxiety a lot of people deal with. But it's still something that I feel like can't be healthy. It can't be normal to feel this much stress about everything all the time. But I haven't figured out how to fight past it enough to do anything about it.

So I pretend I'm fine and try to quell that tight, nagging feeling that creeps in behind my sternum more often than I'd like. And Nap.