I've Realized:

• I'm way more of a 'hipster' than I'd like to admit: I don't really know what being a 'hipster' entails. I'm sure there is some urban dictionary definition out there that I could find, but why bother. I'm mostly referring to my sense of style lately. I've been rocking my glasses more often than not, and because my hair is forever long right now I have to wear it up at work- so its usually in a messy bun or a fishtail braid or a topknot WAY up high on my head. I'm favoring the cat-eye eyeliner alot. When I go out I've been working so hard to appear effortless... it's silly. I'm ridiculous. But it's fine. Lol.
  
  
  
  
• My baggage is still weighing me down: I've been tipsy-texting a certain Ex. Nothing much more than cordial exchanges, but its happened a few times now. This tends to happen this time of year, March and April were REALLY rough two years ago, when he and I broke up, and things tend to resurface. Things weren't quite so hard this year; and I'm sure next year they'll be even easier, especially if I get out of the state. I know a lot of this is psychological, and it will always be part of who I am, and I'm trying not to be upset about it. But it's frustrating to realize how much the things that happened years ago still affect me. I saw the name of a different Ex on my facebook wall yesterday and it shook me way more than I every wanted it to. I found some journal entries about the man I thought I was going to marry tonight and they made me ever so sentimental. I'm not sinking because of these things, and on a day-to-day basis they're not effecting me much at all. But its rough to realize how heavy things can still feel.
• The reason I've been so frustrated living in this house: While I've been living with people who I love and adore, I've often felt like I was the only one who cared about how things were taken care of or handled. Granted, I volunteered to manage utilities and I was the one in contact with the Landlord. Those things never bothered me. It was the day-to-day appreciation and care of the house that I felt alone in my investment. My mom said something today that put all of that into perspective:
  
  "It's your home, and for them it's just college housing because they still have 'home' at Mom & Dad's."
  And it made everything so clear. The reason I was more invested than anyone else is because I LIVE here, while my roommates have just been STAYING here. Even if they arent moving back home, they weren't making a life in this house. And that is completely understandable. That's how I felt about the first house I lived in here in Ogden. But when I moved into this house it became my home. There isn't somewhere at my parent's house to move back to. Which is why today, while I've been sorting and cleaning and packing, I've been incredibly emotional. Moving always sucks, but I've lived here for two years, it wasn't just a stopping place, it was my home. And its hard to know that I'm leaving this home for a temporary place again. Temporary is terrifying, but I'll figure it out.
• I'm good at what I do: both in my Muggle Job, and in my Real Job. At work, at the OG, I was given more responsibilites and granted a 'blue card'. This basically means I'm allowed a bit more power within the computer system (i can comp/void items off checks, set up large parties for myself and others, blah blah blah... boring). It doesnt involve a monetary raise or anything other than knowing that my managers feel i am responsible and competant enough to wield some power, assist other servers in their jobs, and still carry out my job efficiently and well. It feels good to be appreciated, and though its not what I want to do forever, I'm glad that I'm good at what I do there.
  In the world of Acting, I was just called-back for the role of Eva Peron in EVITA at the Egyptian Theatre. I was dumbfounded when they handed me her music for callbacks. I never in a million years thought I would be considered for that role. But getting that music in my hand was a revelation. I knew I'd killed it in my audition, and knowing that they wanted to see how I would handle the Elegance and Poise and Power of Eva... it was a huge ego boost. Callbacks were incredible. I stood in a room with six other women who were all talented and competent and different. There were six Eva's in that room, and it was insane for me to realize I was one of them. I've never been in that situation before. Ever. I worked my ass off, did everything as best I could, and I can't imagine walking out of that building having done anything differently. So now, it's just a matter of which direction they want to go. But, whatever happens, I know I'm good at my job and I can be successful at what I've devoted my life to. It's an incredible feeling. I know things wont always feel this good, but at least I know that I didn't make a mistake with my degree/career/life.
• I don't like change: I've been panicked about moving. I've been sad about what feels like the loss of a friend who I thought I was close to. I've been seeing less and less of the people who used to be my central group of friends. I felt like I was developing feelings for someone that I've had to reduce to nothing more than friendship. I went from being constantly involved with some sort of theatrical event to nothing once 'Salesman' closed. I've been hesitant about moving anywhere that I'm not sure will have some sort of safety net built in... I. Dont. Like. Change. It makes me anxious. I had a full-on anxiety attack last weekend, curled up in a ball on my bed crying for hours, for what seemed like no reason, avoiding a social event that I had previously been excited about attending. It was frightening, and frustrating. And when I starting analyzing why it happened I realized that I've been dealing with SO many changes in my life over the last few months, and I've just let them wash over me and haven't fully processed alot of them. I'm in the middle of a huge shift in my life, I'm at a turning point and I can't quite see where I'm going next and it is hard to cope with. I just have to remember that whatever comes, there is always a way through it. Things will be fine, even if they are different. Different isn't bad.
• I'm picky. And that's okay: I've been wondering why it always seems like the only guys interested in me aren't the kindof guys who I want to be with. Am I just unrealistic in my expectations/wants/desires? NO. NO. NO. It's okay to be picky. When I start to look at the guys who I find less than interesting I realize that there really would be zero future in pursuing anything with them. Even if they are nice guys. Nice isn't all that I want or need. Nice is important, but it isnt everything, and I deserve more than just the bare minimum. When it gets tough is when I start crushing on someone who IS more than the bare minimum and I know that it's an impossibility. It's moments like that when I have to remind myself that there is something bigger and better waiting for me on the other side of these state-lines. I'm allowed to be picky, because nothing less than outstanding is going to keep me from moving forward. 

I'm better friends with the moon and the stars than I think I'll ever be with the sun.

I'm better friends with the moon and the stars than I think I'll ever be with the sun.

night time has always been my favorite time.
when i was younger i would stay up till all hours reading and listening to music

creating fantasies in my head.

theatre exists in the night

rehearsing and performing and celebrating late.

something about the darkness feels solid

looking into the sky at the stars is humbling

and the moon.

the moon is awe inspiring

and romantic

and both warm and cold.

I'm a night-owl. through and through.

one day i'll break the habit.

but for now I like keeping the stars and the moon company.

listing. again.

• sunshine
• ANTM all-stars.
• hugs from my baby brother 
• buster snuggles
• wine and chocolate cake with my roomie last night
• organizing my music book
• reading Shakespeare
• music memories
• wearing contacts and getting compliments
• wearing glasses and getting compliments
• invites to Karaoke
• texts from the boy you met at the party last week

i'm in this social anxiety, self-defeatist, lonesome, jasdfanmahguehwjbqwyeh kindof mood. so i'm trying to accentuate the positive. guhhhhhhhh.

Little Things:

I've been in a funk lately. nothing too heavy or sad, just... meh about a lot of things. I'm sure it is partly my "post-show-slump" that I generally fall into once a show closes. It's also springtime, which brings a lot of newness and sunshine, but also a lot of bittersweet and cloudy memories for me.

SO.

I'm taking a page from my dear friend Bailee's book, and writing a list of little things that make me feel better.

• Remembering that I loved some tv shows from this season and catching up on all of them. Go On, and The New Normal are just so good! Also finding ANTM and Sabrina the Teenage Witch on Hulu.
• Washing all my sheets AND my pillows. Clean bedding is the best.
• The Sondheim Birthday Concert on DVD.
• Easter Candy. Peeps and Reese's Eggs are my weakness.
• Watching Peter Cottontail on youtube and feeling like a kid again. (Thanks Welchkins!)
• Blossoms on the Peach Tree over our driveway... and knowing that I'll be moved out before the peaches start dropping.
• Jello Shots
• Reading my favorite Shakespeare comedy, As You Like It, as part of my prep-work for to audition for it.
• A Facebook message with an invite for a coffee date from someone I met at a party. 
• A sea of red equality photos on Facebook.
• Playing tug of war with my pup, and taking him on walks.
• A rainy April 1st.
• Tables at work who leave $20 tips on $60 and $40 checks. Days like today remind me why I don't REALLY hate my job all that much.
• Phone calls from Ally Berry to discuss mischievous plans.
• Treating myself to a movie date in my basement with chinese takeout and "Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day."
• Cheers to You, free pool, After-hours sushi, and a stolen carnation with "The Boys" for Aaron's birthday.
• Painting my nails springy colors, even if my fingers chip after one day at work, at least my toes are still pretty!
• Conversations with Tanner.
• Getting to sing with Luke for his senior recital in three weeks. (yikes! I should practice!)
• Seeing old friends and growing closer to new friends.

I just have to remember that the little things matter just as much as the big things. That even if life seems up in the air and aimless and confusing right now, things will work out, and what ever happens will make me stronger and smarter and ready for anything. I may not know where I'm headed, or what's next, or if everything will be all right, but I know that every day there is beauty and fun and laughter and that's enough for now.